Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Top Ten Worst Movies of 2016

Man, this year has been a bit sluggish. Sure, I've hit some speed bumps here and there but the truth is I've felt pretty wiped out and that makes it hard to really dedicate myself to digging into a movie. Even worse, I got sick and have been basically trying desperately to get myself out of this cloud of echhh I've been in for the last month. This means that, sadly, I missed Shitmas altogether and that's a massive bummer. It basically came down to me choosing my own health over this, so I'm sorry for the massive lull. But moving on, since we already went over plenty of good things about last year...let's now take a look back at some things that weren't.

Oh no, let's not look back at that! Cut!! CUUUUUUTTTTTT!!!!

As expected out of a rough overall year, we did have some real shitshows come to theaters for public consumption. Some far worse than others. I still maintain that we had a great year for movies, but even among treasure there invariably comes the putrid mess. Today we're going to take a look at the films I felt were the champions of the chum bucket. I don't care if you liked these movies, if what I say about them angers you, or if you want to join the hate parade over in one of my three different inboxes. This is my list, not yours, and it will reflect my opinions. That being said, let's grab a shovel and dig in.

Remember when he was a critically acclaimed actor with a budding future? Yeah.
#10, Fifty Shades of Black

Marlon Wayans, why? You are a competent actor with actual skill and range. Yet here you are, back in the cesspool you waded in for so many laughless years. You were one of the best parts of Requiem for a Dream and everyone was certain you'd continue to pursue that path, finally breaking free of the stupidity that long plagued your career. Then you dove back in, cranking out more crappy parody films. Your last parody film was on my 2014 list and now your new one is here. Still an unfunny and miserable experience. As for the plot...it's just a really lame parody of a movie that was already unintentionally funny due to shitty writing. When your parody film is less funny than what it is parodying and what you're parodying isn't supposed to be a comedy...yeah, I'm just done. This movie isn't worth getting angry about because it's just pathetic, which is why it hangs at the bottom. The dangling turd waiting to break off and fall into the cold water beneath.

"Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me."
#9, Independence Day: Resurgence

I've heard a lot of people talk about unnecessary sequels, but the movie that really fit that bill more than any other was easily this one. I mean, did anyone really want to see more Independence Day? It's not like it left anything unfinished or unanswered, it was all pretty done with. The heroes won, the aliens died, and Earth set about rebuilding into a hopefully better place after having united to battle a common enemy. This movie is nothing more than a retread of the first movie that only exists so Roland Emmerich can try and remind people he still exists. It unsurprisingly flopped hard (and without a bunch of chuds needing to be pissy about it all over social media and YouTube) because it simply wasn't a very good movie. Will Smith bowed out of this one because he didn't think it needed to be made, and he was damn right.

"I'm totally Egyptian! Seriously!! Stop laughing!"
#8, Gods of Egypt

Some might say I'm batting at low-hanging fruit here, others might accuse me of simply bandwagon jumping, but this is neither of those things. I saw this shitstorm on full display. I exchanged money to sit in a large dark room with strangers to see this spectacle, and I left the theater quite aware that it was going to be here. It earned it's spot with every single frame. From the CGI that looked like it came from a video game, to the brown makeup on Gerard Butler, to the just having blatantly white people pretending to be Egyptians without any makeup, to the terrible writing...it's a terrible movie. I did a full review of it because of how truly bad it was. It's not even a good bad like Pan, just a bland kind that leaves you feeling like you've seen this before on the Syfy channel. The most damning thing of all though is that it was made by a man with genuine talent, Alex Proyas, which still leaves me very sad. Skip this and go watch Dark City instead.

The doctor is in...and will probably eat you.
#7, Cabin Fever

2016 was the year that a large group of people online came together to belligerently attack a movie remake that they largely felt was completely unnecessary that might ruin what they liked about the original film. And they picked the wrong movie to do that to, because holy shit, did we get one of the worst piece of shit remakes last year. I have never hidden the fact that I am not a fan of Eli Roth. He might be an alright guy, but his films do not paint a good picture of him. But the one thing I can say is that the original Cabin Fever had some moments that made a lot of people laugh because they were bizarrely silly. So, do you know to ruin that? Remake the movie and remove the humourous bits that people tend to love it for. Great idea. But hey, at least it's not Cabin Fever 4...mostly because I don't think Roth knows where to go from the last one. So yeah, last year did give us a terrible remake but sadly no one really bitched about it but me. Go fucking figure.

If I said these movies were my cross to bear, would that be too on the nose?
#6, Ben-Hur

Speaking of remakes that largely went ignored, last year we got this one of the beloved classic film from 1959. Why did it get ignored despite being a high profile remake of a film that is actually one of the most famous films ever made? Probably because it wasn't made in the 1980s and didn't feature Bill Murray one-liners. Yeah, I'm never gonna stop poking that proverbial bear. but yeah, this movie is pretty ehhhh. Honestly, there was a point where it came in at the bottom of the list but I moved it up for a simple reason: it's a remake of Ben-Hur that does nothing to really improve upon the original or introduce any new ideas. It largely comes off as heavy-handed in some parts while feeling underwhelming overall, despite looking like it was extremely expensive. Oh, and it was pretty boring...to me, at least. I actually almost nodded off during it. This movie just brought back memories of Exodus: Gods and Kings for me, as it tries to be epic and ends up feeling like a general waste of time.

Her eyes say love, his eyes say he's going to kill himself.
#5, Me Before You

That up there? Not a joke. He kills himself. Did I spoil it for you? Good. Don't waste your time on this movie. This is a movie that tries to convince you it's a love story while repeatedly reminding us that it's about a guy who wants to kill himself. And rather than being a story where he finds motivation to live and copes with being suicidal, growing as person and being happy with his new love, it's none of those things. No, instead it's a story where a suicidally depressed disabled man falls in love and ultimately guilts the woman he loves into watching him kill himself. It also has an overtone where it seems to insinuate that disabled people should kill their selves. Yeah. Fuck this movie, fuck the people who wrote it, fuck the people who defend it, and fuck me for having to watch it. Fuck.

Fascist Dickhead v Cleancut Cry-baby: Dawn of Jerking Frank Miller Off
#4, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

I was fairly lenient when I originally wrote about this film because, honestly, I did enjoy watching it. At least, I enjoyed it the first time. But the problem is that this is a movie that gets worse the more you watch it or reflect on it. You find more things wrong, more terrible lines of dialogue, and can't help but find yourself focusing on the overall mean-spirited atmosphere. BvS is probably the worst Batman related film I have watched. Yeah, I said it. And do you know? Because we don't get Batman in the movie except for maybe a very slim bit towards the end. The resat of the movie doesn't feature Batman, it features Frank Miller's idea of Batman. Let me be very clear on this: Frank Miller is a fucking asshole. He's a mean old bigoted sexist who tends to only espouse hate and a general cloud of xenophobic bollocks from his being at all times. And that is largely reflected in this entire film, which feels like Zack Snyder wanted to give Mr. Miller one long drawn-out handjob...with CGI. I recall saying I wasn't going to give this one a full review but now I find myself rethinking whether I should tear into it. I guess we'll see as the year rolls onward. For now, it still has a home here among the other shit.

They don't want you to see it because life is fairly short, so it's better to not waste it on lies.
#3, Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe

Yeah, I know a lot of people were probably wondering why some of the previous films weren't higher up the list and that that's going to become fairly easy to see moving forward. Last year we got a large influx of blatant lies, misinformation, and propaganda dumped on us. And, looking at the current political climate...we're likely going to get a lot more. Among that we got this movie that was all about how vaccinations can supposedly cause things like birth defects and autism. They can't, by the way. Spending less than half an hour on Google can give you tons on information that completely disproves the anti-vaxxer shit as the paranoid nonsense it truly is. It's not really hard to find at all. As a matter of fact, there have been many cases of children getting ill and dying as a result of idiotic people not vaccinating their kids. We're facing the returns of dead diseases because of it. Think about that: not vaccinating is bringing dead diseases back. For a more thorough commentary on this pile, go check out Brad Jones' review. And get ready, because we're going deeper.

2016, the year that I saw the KKK on the big screen. In a documentary that isn't about the KKK.
#2, Hillary's America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party

Look, I don't care if you're a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, or Pescatarian...there is reality and there is this shit. Dinesh D'Souza is the sort of person who only seems to exist to try and spread misinformation to forward a blatantly political agenda. Case in point, he also made a movie called 2016: Obama's America. Yeah. He tries to use history to push his message (which is DEMOCRATS BAD) instead of even attempting to have any sort of serious discussion about the failings of politicians in both parties. There are serious problems in both major parties but nonsense like this is not any attempt to change things. No, this is just Dinesh stirring the pot and cackling gleefully because he knows that a lot of idiots will eat it up. And yeah, I am saying that if you believe or support this guys work then you are an idiot. Thankfully, I didn't have to pay to see this and likely wouldn't have seen it if I would have. Asshats like D'Souza should be ignored just as much as the guy on the street who screams about the world coming to an end next Tuesday.

"The best way to stop abortion? Butt sex. So, spread those cheeks for the lord, son. I'm coming in hot."
#1, Voiceless

Here we are, the top spot, and it's gone to a very worthy choice. Ever wanted to watch a religious film about a man opposed to abortion who seems like he's going to end up going on a shooting rampage? Then this is the film for you, you terribly disturbed person, you. This one took the top spot partially because of the heavy push against Planned Parenthood, an organization that exists to offer many health services to women. Why the big push against them? Because one of those services is, of course, abortions. It's the only thing that so-called "Pro-Lifers" focus on, making it rather ironic because by shutting down Planned Parenthood they will likely rob many women of their lives. But, much like our main character here, they care more about the unborn fetuses than they do the actual living people. This movie is biased, tone-deaf, and really could easily be seen as more of a Pro-Choice film because it paints the "hero" as a pretty clearly unhinged man whose actions hurt people. It's just a reminder that bitter hateful people love to hide behind causes to pretend they're not as awful when they ignore the homeless people they pass by on their way to church.

Start using the term Pro-Birth, because if any of them were pro-life then abortion clinics probably wouldn't get blown up.
So, there you have it. My worst movies of 2016, summarized up for your enjoyment. I'm fairly certain I'll get some hate-filled messages too, but what else is new? Once you've been called a "cuck" a few times (despite having been single for years) for defending a movie that had some women in it, you tend to shrug it all off fairly easily. Well, that and the people threatening to hunt my down and turn my "frilly faggot ass" into a hat before raping my sister and non-existent girlfriend. The internet is such a fun place. Later days, bleeders.

I guess I'm gonna go work on finding love so at least then it'll make more sense to be called a cuckold.

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