Friday, January 9, 2015

Top 10 Worst Films of 2014

Hey there, bleeders! Another year is behind us and that means it's time to shift our attention away from the old and onto new things. Well, at least that's what most of you should do. Me? I generally spend most of my time sifting through the past for your entertainment, so I don't think I'm going to stop any time soon. But yes, most people who do this whole critic thing tend to gather up a list of their favourite films at the close of the year, thus showcasing what they think you should be giving attention to. That is not what this is. If you want that list, then you need to head over to Cinema Crazed and read it there.

You should stick around & read more too, as Felix is a great writer. His mascot also might just kill you if you don't.
No, this list is the shit from the past year. The stuff that you absolutely should avoid watching. These are the worst movies that 2014 coughed up into our collective laps that I happened to watch. Were there worse movies than these? Maybe. But I only counted the films I actually watched, so yeah, if something especially bad is missing, chalk it up to that. My life can be a bit hectic, so I don't always get to attend all the films out there. Also my funds tend to be rather low. That being said, let's get this show on the road.


Remember this movie? Yeah, I barely did too.

#10, Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return

The main problem with this fucking movie right here is rather simple: it doesn't serve any sort of valid purpose. It's badly animated, doesn't serve as any sort of loving tribute to either the original film or the books, and ultimately seems to only have materialized into existence simply because Sam Raimi and Disney made a new Oz related film and someone thought it would be a big enough hit to ride the coattails of. Only that movie wasn't that great and this one is even worse. The only other reason I can think of for this movie existing is as some sort of vehicle for young actress Lea Michelle to break into film, but she really backed the wrong pony here. It came and went to almost no notice and not a single bit of fanfare, ultimately proving to be forgotten more quickly than a drunken sexual encounter.

Just in case you thought I'd forgotten about Michael Bay's desire to set fire to everyone's childhood.
#9, Transformers: Age of Extinction

Ah, yes, the movie so obviously bad that some people skip putting it on their worst lists simply because it felt too obvious. Not me though. This movie, like its director, still manages to piss me off enough that it is required material for just such a list. Michael Bay hates fans. No, really, I mean that. He seriously hates fans, just not his own. No, he loves his fans yet hates the fans of other things. Things that somehow don't have stupid written all over them. Thus, he seems to pride himself of taking things that aren't his brand of stupid and remaking them to conform to his awful vision. And because the other Transformers films weren't bad enough with their idiotic humour, constant racism, sexism, and general crassness he decided it was time to shit all over the Dinobots. You remember them, right? The Transformers who were brutal warriors, fierce and proud that Optimus Prime earned the loyalty of and their leader who once said that he merely talked the way he did to make his enemies underestimate his intelligence. I knew, when it was announced that they'd be in this film, I was going to be disappointed with what happened. But that was still not enough to prepare me for him treating them as literal dumb animals who have no personality and only really are there so there can be an image of Optimus Prime riding a robot fucking tyrannosaurus rex on the poster. Fuck this movie and fuck Michael Bay.

"What do you mean you don't like Hercules: The Legendary Journeys? I can break you in half, you know."

#8, God's Not Dead

This is the sort of movie that exists because there are some Christians who genuinely believe that people watch this drivel and believe it. It's propaganda that centers on the idea that atheism is bad and should made to look as inaccurate as possible, because somehow that makes their own religion look better. Now, I'm not a Christian and I'm not an atheist, but I am a rational human being. As such, I can look at a film's message and manage to dig through the obvious bullshit to root out the sad truth. What is that sad truth? That there is an incredibly vocal (and rather annoying) segment of Christianity that loves to make exploitative trash like this. The most shocking things about the movie is that Kirk Cameron didn't worm his way into the cast, but I suppose he was simply too busy Saving Christmas to be bothered with yelling at Hercules for not believing in the Christian version of God. I never understood taking a noun (god) and turning it into a pronoun for a singular deity either, since other much older religions had used it long before them. Ah well, who really cares? The point is, this movie is more religious propaganda and should be ignored for much better films that cover similar themes, like Saved which actually touches on real issues in the Christian community like dealing with homosexuality or teenage pregnancy while being a Christian. If you want a Christian movie to go laugh at, Saving Christmas is much better for that.

Someone must have heard Kevin Sorbo was here and got jealous.

#7, The Legend of Hercules

Speaking of movies that are easily forgotten and seem to only exist to ride the coattails of other bigger budget films, here's Renny Harlin to cash in on the Hercules film that starred Dwayne Johnson (a man who could conceivably pass for a super strong demigod) that hadn't yet hit theaters yet. So, this resulted in a short bit of confusion where some people thought this was that movie. They soon realized it wasn't and found themselves watching what heavily resembled a movie SyFy might make with their good friends over at The Asylum. This film doesn't give us a unique or interesting tale about the titular character, instead choosing to come off as a low budget 300 rip-off with terrible acting, a boring story that ends less believably with its hackneyed happy ending than even Disney's Hercules, and featured actions scenes that left me yawning. Seriously. St. Vincent had more entertaining action scenes and it was about the relationship between a boy and his antisocial neighbor/babysitter. I don't know if Brett Ratner's film was good, but it definitely than this piece of shit. I'd sooner recommend Lou Ferrigno's version before I would ever say to watch this.

An accurate portrayal of what Hollywood has done to the film parody sub-genre.

#6, A Haunted House 2

What do you want me to say here? You want a detailed analysis about how this movie is yet another cookie cutter shitty parody film that feels so much like all the other shitty parody films out there that I forgot whether the title was Scary Movie V or A Haunted House 2 while I watched it? Maybe you want me to talk about how parody films used to be great, offering laughs that still reverberate and allow them to be treated as classics among movie fans to this day? No, all I am going to say is what did you expect? You thought this might be good? Well, it wasn't. None of them are. The art of parody may not be dead, but it's definitely not being used. The jokes are cliche, obvious, and frankly...not funny. And when a comedy isn't funny, it has failed in the one area that matters. The first movie was boring and predictable and this one is more of the same, following the formula the Wayans Brothers used when they brought the Scary Movie series to life. Now it just feels like they're ripping off one pile of shit with another. Do you know what you get when you have two piles of shit? I don't know, but whatever it is, it sure isn't laughter.

Because the world didn't have enough reasons to hate white people, we whitewashed ancient Egypt. Again.

#5, Exodus: Gods and Kings

Look, I will admit that the effects of display here are amazingly epic and truly fitting for such a story. I will even admit that some moments were somewhat emotionally compelling, but there is just far too many things wrong with this film. First, the obvious gripe is the casting. Sure, it can be argued that the best actors for the role should be cast, but honestly? You couldn't hire some black actors? Maybe some actors who have actual dark skintones? I don't wanna nitpick, but it's really difficult to take a movie seriously when all the actors look like they're covered in bronzer. It may be a bit more forgivable in the time period The Ten Commandments was made in, but today we have a lot of people who can act their asses off who aren't white. Getting past that though, the actors we did get were honestly wasted. They come and go so fast in some scenes that I was left wondering if I hallucinated seeing them at all. But the biggest failing of the film lies in how genuinely boring it is. It drags on and on, never keeping up any solid sense of drama or excitement, leaving me feeling less emotional and more worried about how I'm going to get the feeling back in my ass when I finally get up. In short, I personally feel that Prince of Egypt did it far better and without pissing off so many people in the process.

She's watching you touch yourself.

#4, Annabelle

The Conjuring was a good horror film, taking a story that feels incredibly similar to other spook films and giving the audience a solid movie with genuinely entertaining scares and strong performances from the talented cast. Because Hollywood loves taking successful films and running them into the ground, we got a spin-off about the creepy doll that was only a minor plot point in the original film. And it was bad. Really bad. Like, it was so stupid that I honestly nearly requested a refund bad. The movie is exactly what you expect it to be...or rather, it was for me. I expected a dull attempt to cash-in on a better movie and I got exactly that. The plot, what there is of it, jumps back and forth telling the story of the haunted doll and leaving the audience no longer all that of the damn thing. See, this is the same issue that plagued the Rob Zombie Halloween remakes. When you take away the mystique by giving some sort of reasoning for the evil force, it stops being scary and instead becomes dull. Annabelle isn't scary or fun, it's just a boring attempt to make lightning strike twice.

I can't tell if the wall is falling apart or an art project of some sort.

#3, I, Frankenstein

Dammit, Aaron Eckhart, you're a talented actor! Why do you keep taking shitty roles like this? So yeah, this movie. When I first heard that Eckhart would be playing the Frankenstein monster in a film, I honestly got excited. I mean, he really is a very talented actor who I usually enjoy the work of. But then I found out it was going to Frankenstein ala the Underworld franchise and I felt all the strength leave my body as I collapsed into an anger coma. If you've seen those movies, then you know this movie. It's just replacing vampires and werewolves with demons and gargoyles and Seline with the monster, thus not having anything resembling an original concept. So, rather than getting a nice well-acted tale of a tortured man coming to grips with the fact that he was created from the corpses of other men, we got a generic action movie. Great. Who needs pathos when you can instead emulate the Michael Bay style of filmmaking by treating beloved concepts like shit because you think they don't have enough explosions or CGI bullshit. Movies like this are boring attempts at being exciting and I wish they'd go away.

Run away! Run away!!
#2, Leprechaun: Origins

Here? This movie right here? This is my biggest let down of the year. I know, I should've known better, but I honestly wanted to see something good come out of this reboot. The series hit a massive brick wall when it decided to switch its tone from dark comedy about a leprechaun who kills people to movies about the same leprechaun killing people while also rapping. So, who better to salvage the concept than the WWE? Yeah, I was being pretty naive, but See No Evil wasn't bad and it had their name on it, so I hoped for the best. What I got was a movie so incredibly terrible that I found myself wanting to drink more than the entire country of Ireland. Is that offensive? Well, I don't care, because this movie is movie offensive to the Irish than all the drinking jokes in the world. Fuck this movie and fuck rapping leprechauns. Eughhh, I need a drink.

*incoherent hissing sounds*

#1, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I hate this movie. I can go on and on about why, but I already did in my review of it, so let's just stick to the basics. This is a movie that, while not being directed by the loathsome Michael Bay, still manages to be a Michael Bay movie. It's vapid, offensive, focuses too heavily on the human characters (especially Megan Fox), has hideous character designs, a story that is worse written that any single episode of the original television series (or the second series or the current series), and commits the same crimes that G-Force did by wasting Will Arnett. But the worst thing about this screaming barrel of vomit encrusted awful is that it was marketed towards kids while containing so much inappropriate material. And this is coming form the guy who grew up on horror movies and porn, folks, so when I find it offensive it really should say something. Because of this movie I now have a hard time not thinking of Michelangelo as the hugest of creepers. This was Nickelodeon's highest grossing movie and by letting that happen, I am ashamed of everyone. If you liked this waste of film, then I weep for your children.

I also might kill you if you blink.

So, thus ends my rambling about some really crappy movies from the last year. Do you disagree? Fine, disagree, no hair off my back. No really, I wish it took hair off my back. Back hair sucks immensely. You don't have to agree with my opinions on movies, because we're all different. Feel free to share your own or to go write about them yourself. Just remember that there really should be a lot more to a movie that explosions and dick jokes. Until next year's list of the worst of 2015, I'll be here working to entertain you as I struggle against a wave of bad movies (and hopefully a few good ones). Later days, bleeders.

And yes, I will be getting to this at a later date. Don't worry.


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