Friday, February 10, 2017

Assventure Time: The XXX Parody (2016)

Ah, here we go, the month of love. A time where young couples get romantic and old couples bang until their hearts try to give out. It's probably also because that body heat helps stave off the cold. So, what should I review to kick off this month properly? Why, a terrible porn parody, of course! Okay, I should specify that I am not doing this by choice. I am covering it because I was commissioned to do it. What great filmmakers are responsible for today's selection?

Oh, fuck my donkey...

For those of you unacquainted with Wood Rocket, these are the people who have become known for their short porn parodies of popular things that prior experience has taught me to be fucking horrified by. This time we're not talking about a spoof of a popular gaming franchise though because instead we're taking a look at another popular franchise they took a shot at: Adventure Time. You know, that show that takes place in a post-apocalyptic Earth where candy is sentient and Ron Perlman is everything evil.

Just imagine that this is what is actually narrating the Fallout games.
It's not that it surprises me to see Adventure Time porn, as nothing is sacred anymore and porn shall exist of all things that become popular. I can't take two steps on Tumblr without running into Adventure Time porn, but that also might speak more of the people I follow. You know who you are. But, after Strokemon, I cannot say that my hopes are terribly high as to this turning out to be good. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but in my restless sleep I can still hear the unnerving sounds of Gash fucking Dikachu.

Sometimes I scream when I see the colour yellow and no one knows why. But I know. I will always know.
It starts off alright, with a short porny twist on the Adventure Time theme song. No real animation, which is ironic considering the film stars April O'Neil. Yes, there's a real woman named that and she does porn. Also, yes, she starred in another fairly obvious Wood Rocket production. Maybe we'll talk about that another time. For now, we get into things as the Ice King proclaims that something is outrageous.

I agree, this is outrageous. Part of his beard is painted on.
Oh, did I call him Ice King? No, no, no, he's the Ice Peen. Once more the character whose name actually refers to a penis will not be having sex. Shocking, I know. He's complaining about Sinn and Jerk...give me a second, I need to go scream into the void...okay. Anyway, he's complaining because they posted rude comments about him on Icetagram.

Because nothing makes you care about heroes more than setting them up as cyberbullies.
He gives us a few ice puns, which do make me snicker, and then we move on to our heroes who appropriately like in a dickhouse. Because they're dickheads. Also, I think I might've seen Jerk before. Actually, I know I have because that's Fisty from Strokemon. Well, I guess it's her turn to be a yellow abomination, eh? Everyone gets a turn, it seems. After Jerk checks out what I assume is the dog version of Tinder, we're informed that it's Sinn's 18th birthday. This apparently means Sinn can start enjoying manly things...oh my testicles, please don't let this lead into them fucking.

I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.
Thankfully, no, this doesn't end in a bulldog jowl blowie. Just a joke about how men make more money than women. You see that? Even bad porn spoofs know that shit sucks and that gender equality needs some work. Nobody tell Jontron, we wouldn't want him to get "triggered". Maybe this isn't so bad. I mean, it's not like they're just giving us living sex toys again like last time. Oops, look at that, they're a blue talking dildo named Creamo.

I like to imagine it uses the testes as feet to walk around on.
Creamo is here to hammer home even more that (A) we're in a porno and (B) Sinn will soon be having sex. Creamo then exits for a hot date with a fleshlight, because of course that's a thing that would happen in this reality. So, who will be rattling Sinn's balls if not the magical yellow cocksucker here? Well, cue the entrance of Princess Bubblecum and Whoreceline, both of which have better body makeup than poor Rizzo Ford did as Dikachu. And look, they have a gift for Sinn!

Since Finn likes swords, I'm kind of hoping it's the cocksword from Gonad: The Barbarian.
After a very timely Se7en joke and a obligatory joke about the implied romantic relationship between them, we learn it's a cake. Jerk offers to help with it and immediately stretches them yellow...dog....arms out, grabbing instead the Princess' tits. I can't even be mad because they actually have a joke here that made me laugh, which I am grateful for. They then inform Sinn the cake isn't his real present, while Whoreceline licks her teeth. Lip licking is hard to manage when you're wearing those fake teeth, trust me. They're interrupted though by the arrival of a flamboyant old man in a dress.

He's probably here to tell us about how his beard is eating his face.
What he's actually here for is never really said because it ends up kind of detracting into a pretty good riff on the Ice King feeling left out and lonely. He gets embarrassed and Jerk goes to watch out so he doesn't come back, which I'm sure isn't leading into anything in particular. Sinn then approaches the ladies about his present they mentioned before the Ice Peen arrived and the obvious happens.

I'm just sitting here happy that I managed to take a screenshot that didn't need to be censored.
In true Wood Rocket fashion, this is the majority of the runtime. Just one long sex scene of the three of them together. The most noteworthy thing is that Whoreceline's lipstick smears is such a way that she appears to have blood all over her mouth, which is pretty metal. Oh, and they call his dick a sword. There's also Whoreceline's axe dildo, because of course it's a dildo. You all know me and sex scenes, they're not something I generally find especially interesting. Sex usually only interests me when I'm involved. Cue that cumshot already.

Hey, I don't think she's a real vampire!
Thus ends our tale, as they happily remark about how there's still cake and the credits roll. Overall, not the worst thing I've sat through. It's not as...memorable...as Strokemon, or really even as creative. But it does have some better makeup and thankfully doesn't make us see any magical yellow animal creatures having their holes plugged.

I'm still shocked that didn't happen though. Especially with all the yellow body paint they made her wear under that thing.
It's not as well made as the porn I see trail into my Tumblr dashboard, but it's likely good enough for someone who wants to jerk off to these characters without feeling weird about flogging the weasel to an actual cartoon. On a porn level, it's still not the best but it works. Maybe I was too hard on you, Wood Rocket. Perhaps you're not that bad a making these. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Later days, bleeders.

T H E R E  I S  N O  E S C A P E

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