Monday, August 31, 2015

Strokémon: The Porn Parody (2015)

The porn parody is a well it seems like I will have to keep coming back to. Partially because they are about the only porno films that even attempt to have a plot anymore...but mostly because you, my wonderful readers, want me to write about vaguely familiar characters fucking one another on film. Thankfully though, Chyna isn't in this one. It's not like she couldn't have been either, as she easily could've played a Machoke. A very horrifying Machoke that fucks its trainer into a coma.

Don't act like that isn't a feasible plot for a Pokémon porn when we got this scene in the show.

Yes, as with all popular things, it was only a matter of time before Pokémon got the "shaft", as it were. People in this world cannot look at anything without imagining what it'd be like to see someone fucking that thing before them. But drawn porn wasn't enough, no. The folks over at WoodRocket just had to bring this action to the realm of reality. And they decided to do it in much the same manner as the makers of the German E.T. porno film. How did that turn out? Well...

I'll wait for you to stop vomiting.
There have been some truly nightmarish things to come out of porn, but some of the greatest examples seem to come out of the porn parody. This is likely because some of these filmmakers decided to try and make their actors into things that should not be seen having sex on film. This has resulted in the above abomination and the thing that we are about to see in this movie. Seriously, the porno version of Pikachu is hard to look at.

It looks like someone painted a potato yellow then added blush and eyeshadow to it. Then they fucked it.
 The movie opens up on an actually quite amusing porn version of the Pokémon, but I immediately suspected that the song itself may actually be the best part of this. The plot of the film unfolds not unlike an episode of the show, with the narrator informing us of the characters' situation.Gash, Cock, Fisty, and Dikachu (yes, those are their actual names) are looking for some new Strokémon to catch. Do these other Strokémon look like Dikachu here? Are they simply people with horrifying makeup applications? Nope, they're sex toys with eyes. I'll admit, that is a bit funny. Seeing a cocksleeve with gnarly teeth and beady little black eyes is honestly more desirable than seeing more Dikachu level horrors.

Looking at this part I could swear Cock is really imagining fucking that thing.
Anywho, this thing is a Suckudry (HA HA HA) and our heroes seem to not want to go anywhere near it, as it looks like the sort of thing that might create more eunuchs rather than turn anyone on. But hey, considering Fisty is the only somewhat attractive person here, I don't foresee any boners occurring. Especially since I am certain that Dikachu is going to have a dick inside of her at some point and I am not looking forward to that.

I'm not blurring out the truly offensive parts, because that would mean having to blur the whole thing.
So, the characters make some pop culture reference jokes about Breaking Bad and Gash then decides to pull out a ball containing another Strokémon, named Squirthole. It's a dildo. It's literally just a dildo. It doesn't even get googly eyes or a pair of shades. Come on, guys! Squirtle wore shades in the show! You missed a golden chance to make a reference to that here and it would've been easy. There are tiny sunglasses available at craft stores and on dolls. Hell, you could've drawn a pair on with a paint marker. It would've looked better than Dikachu's fucking grungy bodypaint. Oh, I know, it's supposed to be shading. But it doesn't look like shading. It looks like Dikachu hasn't bathed...ever. But yeah, back to the epic struggle of the Strokémon battle!

I haven't been this excited since that time I watched flies fuck.
Squirthole CGI splooges at Suckudry...there's a sentence that no one could've ever predicted me saying...and Gash throws his blue ball (HA HA HA HA) at it, catching the creature that scared them all so badly. Even though I still think Cock wanted to put his dick in it. Probably more than he'd want to put his dick into Dikachu. And, as if to confirm my suspicions, Cock bails on the others to go check out a local gym alone. As he put it, he needs "some Cock time".

"We all know that if I stay I'm just gonna have to bang that dirty yellow monster and I'm not having it!"
Cock then wanders over to the gym...which has Nurse Joy in it? Wait, what? She's a nurse who works at a medical center normally, so why is she at a gym? Can't this parody have some consistency?! But she implies she's going to give Cock what even Brock was never allowed to have and...we don't get to see it. No, instead we go back to the others, because I guess seeing Gash fuck Dikachu is more desirable? Ughhh. But before that can happen, Team Cocket (sigh...) shows up with the only other human actor portraying a Strokémon, who actually isn't a horrifying thing that makes my penis want to curl up inside of my abdomen.

But I guess the whole catgirl thing is pretty easy not to fuck up. Unlike the humans behind her.
Dikachu uses her "electric cum power" on Team Cocket, which basically is Dikachu jerking off onto them. So I guess Dikachu grows a penis when engaging in battle? Because she doesn't appear to have one when Gash fucks her afterwards, but maybe that's just because they didn't want to glue a fake penis on her. Team Cocket runs away covered in jism and Fisty tells them it's time to fuck, which results in what may be the least attractive girl on girl scene in porn history.

But that's only because i don't recall this thing fucking another woman. It just liked to watch.
And that's the majority of the film here. It's one long threesome between Fisty, Gash, and the potato-headed thing named Dikachu. It's not a funny scene...or a sexy scene...it's mostly just kind of long and hard to watch. I'm sure the actress under the Dikachu makeup is attractive, but you can't really make any of that out. This means that the guy playing Gash had to maintain an erection while staring at this the entire time.

It looks like a lemon fucked an rutabaga on the corpse of a jaundiced cannibal.
Gash cums on the....women...and the credits roll with an instrumental of the theme song. We don't see Cock and Joy fuck, Team Cocket, or even Meowth. We get one long sex scene that wasn't even approaching sexy. Its kinda disappointing, as I would've liked more variety. Cock was the most amusing thing in the movie too, so I really wanted to see him get some. As a parody, it does its job alright, poking fun at some of the things that are staples of the show. Like Gash not doing any work and getting congratulated for simply watching his pet monster do all the work. that actually made me laugh.

Or maybe I was just trying so hard to find something funny that I gave it a pity laugh. I don't know anymore.
But the big problem, outside of the bad makeup on one of the main cum receptacles, is the fact that the movie doesn't focus on parodying the source material and throws in a bunch references to things that will only be timely for a few years, meaning this film will show its age quite a bit. It's one of the things that a lot of big budget parody films have done in the last few decades and it's not funny. It's actually mostly painful, because making jokes about something unrelated to the thing you're doing a parody of isn't funny. In the end though, I can't be too hard on this movie as it was blissfully short. It has a runtime of 28 minutes and 15 seconds, so it definitely isn't the worst waste of time.

Believe me, there are much worse wastes of time.
If you want to see Pokémon characters in a porno film, give it a watch. Because I doubt we'll get many spoofs of Pokémon in live action porno form, so it definitely has a novelty to it. Just don't expect to be turned on, because while Fisty isn't hard to look at...Dikachu truly is. So, until I get attacked by Dikachu for my jokes at her expense, I'll be here trying to unfurl my penis from the cocoon is has hidden inside of. Later days, bleeders.

"We didn't get paid enough for this..."

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