Friday, October 28, 2016

Top Ten Gayest Horror Films

Yeah, there's a title that grabs you. I'm not going to beat around the bush here either, this list is exactly what it sounds like. The horror genre has always had a lot of homoerotic subtext in it. Sometimes it's a bit more blatant and other times it seems to get largely overlooked, but it's there.

I'm sure they're just really good friends.

Why? Well, that's likely because horror and homosexuality have always been very controversial to the mainstream, so it's not really hard to see how the two end up crossing paths. They're simply old friends hanging out in the same bar. Today I'm going to take a look at ten films I feel stand out among the crowd...for better or for much much worse. And no, Gayracula isn't on the list. I f I counted gay porn spoofs, there would be no room for anything else.

Probably not what he expected when he said he wanted to get drilled.
#10, Hostel (2005)

In the world of horror, there is one name that often stands out in infamy. Whether you enjoy his gory death scenes or loathe his writing and interchangeably moronic characters, it's a damn good bet you know who Eli Roth is. And what's one of his favourite words to toss about? Gay. Yes, he's one of those writers who writes his character calling things gay all the time as an insult, which makes it pretty funny when you consider that one of his more famous films is so blatantly gay. From "bros" acting overly masculine to hide any potential homosexual urges, to suggestive scenes like the one above, it's hard to ignore. Perhaps Eli himself needs to ask himself if he's hiding something? If he is...well, he's doing an awful job. I think if maybe he was honest about it, maybe we'd finally get a good movie out of him. Then again, maybe not. Terrible film-making isn't something influenced by one's sexuality, after all.

I'm fairly certain his personal space is being violated.
#9, Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003)

Speaking of directors needing to work through things regarding their sexuality, there's the case of Victor Salva. He was convicted and sent to jail for having sex with an underage boy and taking part in the production of child pornography. So, you can imagine what a massive shock it is to learn that his famous Jeepers Creepers series features a creature that...tends to go after underage boys. It reaches a particular fever pitch in the second film though, as he chases various bohunks through a field. I don't remember him really going after any women in these films, honestly. Just lots of very very young men. I'd say more but I think I'll save it for the actual review of both films, which is on my list.

It's all about that mood lighting. So romantic.
#8, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Remember how I'm a huge Jason Voorhees fan? Yeah, well, this movie is the ire of my existence as a fan of him. Containing very little actual Jason Voorhees in it and making literally no sense in context to any of the other films, this movie is undeniably the black sheep of the series. I can feel the JGTH fans already sending me messages objecting, bandying Jason Takes Manhattan or Jason X as far worse films, but no. You don't get to pretend that the film that made Jason into a demon fetus thing is somehow better than two movies that carried on the humourous tone set forth in Jason Lives. But the oddest thing about this movie? A singular scene in which the demon fetus thing possessed coroner strips a man naked, straps him to a table, and meticulously shaves him. The director claims it was to counter-balance all the female nudity but it mostly just feels weird and fetishy.

Wait, didn't I say I wasn't going to include any porno spoofs?
#7, Scream (1996)

Oh lord, this movie is so oddly gay in the best way. Let me explain. Okay, so you have you two villains, guys who come up with this great big plan to kill people and get away with it by making themselves look like victims too. They get stopped, of course, and the heroine gets to live on into the numerous sequels. But look at it a different way. Look at as Billy and Stu falling in love and cutting out all the people in their lives they feel are in the way of their love. Girlfriends, judgemental peers, gossip hounds, and authority figures who aren't willing to understand. Sure, they're both psychos, but even they can find love. And as I often remind friends, blood works as lubricant too.

One way or another, something is getting sucked on and swallowed.
#6, Interview with the Vampire (1994)

Generally, as a rule, most vampires tend to be rather fluid with their sexuality. This film is really no exception either, as we follow the stories of a few vampires living like a very strange family unit. I say strange because, well, clearly they're all fucking one another. It's a bit of an uncomfortable thought for some, being that one vampire has the body of a little girl, but is quite a bit older when it's implied she's in a relationship with our lead. But the real action is with the men, whether it be Louis and Lestat or Armand trying to pick up the lonely Louis who is probably kind of uncomfortable having a girlfriend with the body of an 8 year old. In all honestly, despite not having any real sex on screen, I'd probably say this is a gayer vampire film than Gayracula. That's because the men romancing one another tends to be much more compelling than the men sucking one another dry.

Brokebat Mountain, anyone?
#5, Fright Night (1985)

Besides being one of my favourite vampire films ever, Fright Night has always stood out to me as showing a really nice depiction of two men caring deeply for one another. Sure, one man is a bit flirty and keeps chatting up the neighbor boy, but it's still very nice overall. At least, so long as you forget the whole murdering various women thing. In truth, there really is a lot of subtext here, even in how Jerry handles the hero, Charlie, seemingly trying to charm the boy but never really wanting to harm him. He actually seems to want to bring Charlie into the fold towards the end, taking his friends under his wing and seemingly trying to force Charlie himself to give into him. But hey, maybe I'm just being batty.

Sleepovers are always way more awkward when the other person doesn't know about them.
#4, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)

That's right, I didn't put this in the top spot. Feel free to gasp in shock, but while this movie is very think in homoerotic subtext, it gets knocked down a few spots for ultimately ending in a way that implies that Jessie's gayness is somehow cured by the power of heterosexual love. Don't get me wrong, I love the hell out of this movie, but that always bugged me. Sure, we got the ending that implied Freddy killed them anyway, but it just felt kind of hollow. Jessie never really accepted himself or grew, but rather just retreated back into himself. Maybe that's why Freddy came back in the end? After all, I've heard being in the closet can be quite a nightmare.

Come on Tumblr, where's the appreciation for this legendary ship?
#3, Monster in the Closet (1986)

I already went over this one in depth a while back, but let's just say that the title is clearly trying to spell things out for you. So often gay people are often treated like monsters, so it's really quite interesting that we literally go a film where the monster itself was gay. A very tongue-in-cheek film from beginning to end, this movie really did give some really good commentary about how gay people are treated with fear and hatred. If you haven't seen this one, please set some time aside and watch it, because it is easily one of Troma's best and proof that even creature features can have a message worth observing.

Unrequited homicidal love is the most painful of all loves.
#2, The Hitcher (1986)

You ever see one of the situations where someone becomes clearly infatuated with another person but they lack the social graces to properly pursue them in a healthy way? This is sort of like that, only with a lot more killing and stalking. Basically you could make a clear case for this movie being about an older man who will go to any means to be with a younger man he's set his sights on. Even if it means ripping his girlfriend in half. It actually reminds me that my buddy, Felix, was made into a character in a ripoff film based on the remake of this where his character was written as being gay so as to insult him for daring to not like the filmmaker's previous work. Fun times. Great movie but definitely a bad romance.

Fighting or aggressively making out? You be the judge.
#1, The Lost Boys (1987)

Wow, the 80s sure were gay, weren't they? I mean, hell, half the movies on this list are from the 1980s. But I always knew that this one would be in the top spot, no mater what, because I've never been able to not see this movie for what it really is: a gay vampire falling in love with a biker boy. Seriously, I dare you to watch this movie and tell me that you don't see the sexual tension between David and Michael in every single scene they share. And the way David reacts to Michael rejecting him reeks of him lashing out to hurt him back. But the real part that cements it for me is the end where even after everything, David still wants Michael. He seems to plead with him, hoping to change his mind, to bring him into his world. To David, Michael is clearly the most important thing. Then Michael goes and breaks his heart...with antlers.

Love really does suck sometimes.
There you have it, my personal picks for gayest horror films. And yes, I know, you probably don't agree with all of my choices or my order or even my opinion regarding them. But remember, this is my list, not yours. You came here for my perspective and that's what you're walking away with. And once more, just because it bears repeating, Eli Roth's movies suuuuuuuck. Which basically guarantees i will end up reviewing them all at some point. Yay. Later days, bleeders.

If he ever reads my reviews, he'll probably just call me gay.

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