|I played alone a lot, so dreaming of Freddy hanging out with me was cooler than cool.|
Monster in the Closet is one of three films that scared me immensely as a child. One of those films I will not be talking about here as it related directly to a severe phobia of mine in its title. The other movie though, I actually have talked about before and may go over again when I buy it on Blu-Ray. Now, for Horrorfest this year I wanted to step back into the past and confront this childhood fear. We all remember being spooked by things when we were kids, most of which were similar ideas. The boogeyman, the toe-devouring monster under the bed, and the monster hiding out in the place where my family kept a ton of VHS tapes. Yeah, we all remember the idea of the monster in the closet. I'm not sure why we did though, as closets tend to be awesome hiding places. Just ask Laurie Strode. But me, I can peg this movie for making me afraid of them...at least for a little while. I hear Laurie also got turned off of the idea of closets.
|She now spends her days eating yogurt & avoiding people who look like William Shatner.|
|Whoa, movie! I was only kidding!|
|"I really hope I never have to make a movie with Pauly Shore."|
|Man, the 1980s really were rough on Rick James.|
|Don't look now, but I think there's a rubber poop monster sneaking around back there.|
So yeah, they race to get there, the monster grabs the kid, and they make it just in time for Richard to save Professor. The military then shows up but Pennyworth has began approaching the thing to try and communicate with it, which honestly seems to be working rather well...until it kills him. Oh well, better shoot it. But it turns that its immune to bullets, RPGs, grenades, and cannon shells. Well, shit. Now everyone is panicking like crazy and the entire area begins to be evacuated. Diane believes that Pennyworth was able to give her a clue to how to kill the creature with his last words so she and Dick stay behind to do just that. They build a trap to suck its energy out, killing it, but when it shows up the trap doesn't work and they discover that Professor stayed behind too so he could finish creating his deus ex machina. Surely it will stop the creature, right?
|Nope. He just sticks his tongue out and flips a table.|
Diane knocks Richard's glasses off and the creature then falls in love with him, carrying him off as it heads toward San Francisco. Professor tells her that he thinks the doctor was actually saying that the only way to kill it was to destroy closets, as it seems to use those for most things. She goes on the news, telling people all over the world to destroy their closets.
|Which they take to doing with remarkable gusto.|
Now closetless, the creature seems to be on its last legs as it goes into a building that has the world's last existing closet but the creature cannot fit into it while carrying Richard, so it chooses to leave the building, dying in the street outside soon afterward. Diane runs out to tell him she loves him, becoming once more entranced by Dick, and the world breathes a sigh of relief as it is said we can now all rebuild our closets. Thus ends the story of how Dick Clark saved the world from the menace lurking in our closets. Wait...things hiding in the closet that scare society...it couldn't be that this movie is actually a thinly veiled commentary on homosexuality?
|If by "thinly veiled" you mean "incredibly obvious", then yes.|
|Looks about right to me.|
|Of course, it pokes fun at certain other famous horror films too. Or, rather, sticks its tongue out at them.|
Credit must go to Bob Dahlin, the director and writer of this film, as he handled the entire project perfectly. It could've easily just been another forgettable 80s film piled up with all the others, but it honestly stands out as a movie that should be talked about a lot more for how clever it is. Overall, I think this a fine film that honestly feels like one of Troma's best and I do see why it scared me a s child. I think the fact that here was a creature that was seen actually going after kids and never once talking or being snarky, it really pounded home that I should fear it. If you love old monster movies and clever humour, check this movie out. So, until Lloyd Kaufman asks me to star in a Monster in the Closet remake, I'll be here making sure not to g jamming my head into any. Later days, bleeders.
|"I knocked, but nobody answered."|