Metal Rear Solid: The Phantom Peen (2017)

Surprisingly, not a film about Snake's stupidly thicc ass.

Life is a trainwreck sometimes. You look at the many angry weebs coming at you, all the various members of whatever nerd-based hate group is popular at the moment trying to desperately get you deleted from Twitter, and the fact that Donald Trump is still president...and sure, you can find yourself screaming silently into your hands for a bit.

I've done it a few times.

When things get like that, I find it's best to go back to the place that always serves as a prime distraction from the toxicity of life: porn. Thus, I tossed up a poll over on Twitter and let my fans decide what particular pond of questionable liquid I would dip my toes into. It was a hell of a race to the end, but the ultimate winner was a film that I'm honestly shocked didn't happen sooner. It's not like Metal Gear Solid is some unknown property. It's a famous franchise full of women that are not hard on the eyes, so why did it take this long to make a proper porno of it? Who knows, but today we're going to examine it's plot, how accurate it is, and mostly just make bad jokes because that's what I am known for.

Caution: There may be butt stuff involved.

Our film opens up as Snake's helicopter goes down in a flaming spiral in the middle of a desert. What hit them? What happened? Snake? SNAKE?! SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!! Anyway, from there we're thrown into the opening credits before the fade back in to the desert where we see Snake is apparently a dick in this movie. No, really, look at this.

His codename is Trowser Snake. Someone is really on their pun game here.

We then see out hero and he's...wearing an Iron Man toy gauntlet, I think? Like, it doesn't even cover his hand. The rest of the outfit looks great but, come on, Venom Snake's bionic arm is iconic. You guys could've at least put a painted sleeve on under it or something so he clearly flesh hand isn't visible. How am I supposed to maintain an erection if I can't be fully absorbed into the fantasy that this is Snake?

It's bad enough that we're being robbed of that Snake booty with these loose pants.

Trowser Snake here wanders through the desert for a while, because that's the part of the game we wanted to be recreated, and he climbs a small hill to pose on dramatically. I'd say I'm getting flashbacks to Wood Rocket productions, but they actually had more plot in them by this. Oh lord, I just said something good about Wood Rocket. Quick, movie, do something to save me from this!

No, not more dramatic posing!

But seriously, something finally happens when his radio gets a call from what I assume is Miller telling him to stay sharp because there's an enemy sniper in the area, so we all know where this is headed: clearly he's gonna go fuck Psycho Mantis. Wait, no, no, wrong game and time period. In reality it means that Quiet is about, which isn't too shocking because she's on the banner for the damn film. Besides, she's the easiest female character in the franchise to adapt to porn because she essentially looks like she wandered in from a Burning Angels or Suicide Girls shoot.

Sure, I dig the whole "bikini punk sniper" aesthetic going on here, but let's not kid ourselves about the motives for said design.

Snake says he can handle anything, because he's Snake, and we get to hear Quiet's porn name, which is amazingly bad: Hushy. Her codename is Hushy. Give me a second, I need to gasp for air after laughing over that one. Even Snake himself seems to jeer at the name, because it's fucking Hushy, but let's move on. Miller then spends a minute explaining that she has a really great ass that may possibly have powers. Alright, I've gotta admit, that's a new one.

Something tells me her ass powers are going to be less practical than her outfit.

Miller also makes a comment about having enough animals back at the base and pleads for Snake to stop sending back sheep, which honestly really did make me chuckle. Clearly, the people who made this did know the source material well enough to make some jokes that actually landed. But now, we finally get to see Hushy show up as she stares at him through her scope and fires a shot that he barely manages to dodge.

"She totally can't see me. I'm just a rock with a big gun."

The two then have a sniper duel after we get a dramatic shot of her ass and left nipple, for some reason. Hushy is jsut too good, so he opts for a stealthy approach, going for a large loose piece of cardboard that just happens to be laying nearby. Seriously, he just picks it up and walks around behind it like he's hiding his body-heat from the Screamers in Tremors 2.

She's the best, so long as you don't hide behind scraps from your kid's arts and crafts project.

Having the drop on her, he immediately bursts out from behind his cardboard to scream at her for no real reason. Unsurprisingly, she responds by putting a knife to his throat, which would logically be the end of this were Snake not basically built out of plot armour that can protect him from all rational tactics. He laughs and drops a smoke grenade so he can return to stealth...which he wouldn't have had to do had he kept the cardboard that apparently made him invisible, but whatever. This is not the film to nitpick for being unrealistic. They then proceed to fight hand-to-hand.

Which looks less rapey than this still would have you think.

I'll give the actors credit, it's not a bad fight scene. Hushy's actress, Casey Calvert, is clearly athletic and her wailing on Snake looks good. But, of course, we know she ain't winning the fight as he eventually chokes her out with a sleeper hold, something he does a lot in the game to his enemies right before attaching balloons to them to "recruit" them.

I'm sure they're all fine and suffered no broken necks or severe trauma from being forcefully yanked into the air.

So, hey, isn't this a porno? When's that sex scene gonna show up anyw...oh, there it is. Yeah, after he has her on the ropes he asks what's it gonna take for her to join up with his team, to which she literally replies, "Your dick, my ass", which is undoubtedly gonna lead to us finally learning her special ass power, I guess. But first she shows Snake what a good "snake eater" she is. Hey, don't look at me, the movie made the pun.

I'm mostly distracted because I keep thinking the guy playing Snake is Joe Manganiello.

From here we get what you expect. She sucks his dick, he plays with her tits, and then the main event begins: ass fucking. I do find it funny to note that they do this on his tactical cardboard from earlier, probably because it's easier on the knees. They alternate between oral and ass fucking for pretty much the rest of the film, which is to be expected. Most people they're marketing this for just came to see two recognizable characters bang, after all. Which they get to see at great length here, so I guess that's mission accomplished.

Frankly, I'm just impressed he managed to keep that goofy gauntlet hand on the whole time.

We get the typical facial and a wrap-up full of fan-service puns and a "game over" screen before they finally walk off together into the sunset. Cue the credits and some slow-motion replays of some sex scenes to pad it out. Final thoughts? Well, among the multitude of porn parody films out there, this one manages to both be more faithful to its source material and also lovingly poke fun at it better than most larger budgeted parodies do.

Yeah, they even give us a Codec conversation in the classic style of MGS1.

I have to say, I actually enjoyed this one. It was interesting enough leading up to the sex scenes that I didn't feel bored. Not to mention that it avoided to Wood Rocket problem of barely any set-up to a single long usually uncomfortable sex scene. I don't really care about the sex personally, but it was well shot, so kudos to the people behind the camera. Overall, if you want a fun little porn parody to check out, I'd recommend this one. Maybe I'll check out some of the other Brazzers porn parody films based on games. For now though, I'm calling it a day. Have a good week, bleeders. Later days.

This is the first kiss in a porn I've seen in a while that didn't make me wretch.