Monday, August 14, 2017

Top Ten Instances of Nazis Dying in Film

After the recent tragedy in which an actual Nazi killed an innocent woman, I felt so angry that I could barely function. It honestly was hard not to just go off somewhere and break things because this is where we're now at in America. Nazis are roaming the streets, feeling safe to spout their hatred, hurting people, here in the country that fought against this type of fascism in a damn war that involved most of the world. So, I sat here attempting to write a review but I couldn't. I needed something to help me work through some of this anger. Wait...Nazis get killed a lot in movies...now there's something that'd be therapeutic to talk about. Thus, here we are, counting down ten of my favourite instances of Nazis getting exactly what they deserve. Because Nazis all deserve to die.

If that offends you, you can fuck right off.

On a final note before diving in here, I want to specify that I am using Nazis as a blanket term for all related racist hate groups. That means when I say Nazis, I mean the Nazi party, Neo-Nazis, white supremacists, the KKK, the AltRight movement, and generally any bigoted piece of dogshit that thinks hurting people who aren't pure white people is okay. So, if you see me reference a death here that doesn't happen to expressly be a member of the Nazi party, now you understand why. They're all fucking Nazis, calling them something different means pretending they're all somehow different when they really aren't. Also, expect some spoilers, because duh. Got it? Alright, let's get this going.

"Hello, sir. We're here to kill you with some hardcore irony."
Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

Now, while this one doesn't technically give us a death scene I have decided to include it at my father's behest, because it does do something very interesting: it features a racist meeting his ultimate end at the hands of those he agrees with. In the segment "Time Out", William Connor is treated to a trip through time where he gets to live out attacks from other groups of bigots like Nazis and the KKK. In the end, he ends up being shipped off to a death camp to meet a horrific fate alongside the people he himself talked shit on. It's terrible but it's also very karmic in a way. The only thing that initially made me hesitant is the real life tragedy behind the scenes as the actor and two child actors died during filming in a helicopter accident. Connor may have deserved what he got, but they definitely did not.

Always reuse your old gifs of Nazi dwarfs eating themselves.
Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

This movie...has always left me with conflicting emotions. It's a campy 80s movie that features some really wonderful over-the-top performances, but it also features some uncomfortable things like a romance between an underage girl and the lead singer/hero. But it also feature Nazis. Not just Nazis, but it literally features Adolf Hitler, Eva Braun, and their family living in the middle of nowhere essentially acting like they're the damn Sawyer family. But the great thing about this? Well, after our heroes die and come back as the titular zombies, they murder the shit out of the Nazi family. My favourite part in particular is the two member who were killed by Eva both go to kill her themselves. Oh, and she's a werewolf. Heavy metal zombies killing a Nazi werewolf old lady. Beautiful.

Hey, did you guys know Magneto is Jewish and was in a concentration camp as a child?
X-Men: First Class (2011)

If you don't know by now, I've always been a big fan of the X-Men. That makes it especially troubling for me as a movie fan because so many of the films were extremely lackluster. The major exception though was Matthew Vaughn's First Class, which gave us an origin story for the team and featured a pretty amazing cast. Then Fox decided to kill off everything great about it gradually over the next few films in favour of Bryan Singer's same stilted vision. Ugh. But the best part? Magneto hunting Nazis. Yes, as you can see above, he tracks down some and summarily tortures and kills them. It's such a satisfying scene, especially knowing what he went through as a child.

And that's why chainsaws should always been turned off when not in use.
Smokin' Aces (2006)

Look, this movie is...not great. It has an interesting premise, interesting characters, and a good visual style. What it doesn't have is good dialogue or a cohesive narrative. It's a shame too, because this movie could've been great. But what it has in spades is violence. Lots and lots of violence. For my money though, the best of it is when Sir Ivy painfully ends the life of one of the Neo-Nazi skinhead Tremor Brothers by shooting him and causing him to fall on his own chainsaw. It's brutal, bloody, and memorable as hell. The movie is worth watching for this scene alone, because that gif I whipped up doesn't do it the justice it deserves. Who doesn't love seeing a Nazi get a chainsaw to his bits?

Featuring a special appearance from the dancing corpse of Hitler!
Inglourious Basterds (2009)

Yes, welcome to the most predictable entry on the list, because of course I had to talk about this movie. It features so much beautiful violence against fascists that it's practically avant garde. Now, while you might assume the blowing away of Hitler, seen above, is my favourite scene of Nazi killing...you'd be wrong. No, my favourite scene actually happens to be Hugo Stiglitz killing Gestapo officers because he's not really keen on the whole standing by and obeying Nazis as they kill innocent people. It's very visceral as he kills them and some of the more realistic looking violence on display in the film. And hey, this won't be the only time we talk about dying Gestapo on here.

She's carving up that pig like Thanksgiving is coming.
Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)

I've been asked repeatedly to talk about the Ilsa films and it's no big surprise as to why. For the uninitiated, the Ilsa films are sexploitation films that generally all star Dyanne Thorne as the titular antagonist doing horrible things to people and having her tits prominently featured. The first film in the series wasn't just sexploitation though, as it was also Nazisploitation meaning you got to see a fair bit of violent acts perpetrated both by and to Nazis. The major draw, beyond the tits, though is Ilsa meeting her own end. It happens every time and it's always very satisfying, because you really do have no pity for her after seeing her doing awful things to prisoners while wearing that SS uniform. I don't want to get into too much detail, because I will talk about these in detail later, but trust me, she gets what she deserves.

That's when he realized that maybe being a Nazi wasn't the best idea.
The Keep (1983)

Have you ever thought to yourself, "man, I'd really love to see an ancient demon kill a castle full of Nazis", then I have a serious recommendation for you. Yes, that's exactly what you get in this often overlooked classic film that explores some interesting things, such as a German soldier who isn't a Nazi trying to make peace with still serving under the Nazi regime. But the big draw for us currently is all them dead Nazis and there are many to behold. Molasar, the aforementioned demon, goes kill crazy on the German soldiers and it ends up leaving the commanding officer alone, surrounded by the dead in a very haunting scene of their burnt out corpses laying around him. It's a legitimately good film worth checking out though and I wish it would get a Blu-Ray release.

Bond. Nazi Bond. Burning alive in a Disney movie.
The Rocketeer (1991)

I could've included Captain America: The First Avenger on here, because it has a lot of delightful Nazi killing in it. Again, Hydra are Nazis and if you want to argue that fact then you can just fuck right off, because you are wrong. They have always been Nazis, no matter what Nick Spencer wants you to believe. But, rather than talk about that film, I instead want to talk about the one from the same director that also features so great Nazi death. It's also still made by Disney too! Yay! Now, there are some truly great moments here. And while I kind of wanted to talk about a certain Nazi strongman blowing up on a zeppelin, I decided the truly shining death was our main villain burning alive while flying through the sky. I mean, look at it. It's beautiful. If only we could send all Nazis burning through the sky like shooting stars. I bet that would definitely help make the dicks scared to come out of hiding again.

A dramatic re-enactment of the AltRight following The Daily Stormer being taken down.
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Okay, so maybe Inglourious Basterds wasn't the only obvious addition to this list, because how can I talk Nazi killing without mentioning Indiana Jones, yes? Now, to be fair, the best Nazi death scene in the film would've actually happened regardless of Indiana Jones even being there. His presence in the story is actually entirely incidental to what ultimately stops the major threat of the Nazis searching for ultimate power. It's a great movie, no doubt, but the Ark itself did all the killing there at the end. And oh what lovely killing it was too. Painful, gory, and messy are the words that properly describe the end of the Nazis our hero battled throughout the film. It's one of those great death scenes that people can't help but reference. But it's not my top pick because I have a special death in mind for that.

Nazis and living puppets sold separately.
Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge (1991)

When it comes to being Antifa, few franchises handle it as well as the Puppet Master series. The entire series is built upon a deep rooted hatred for Nazis and fascists, featuring puppets who all contain the souls of people who all died at the hands of Nazis. Before they died, ever one of them worked against the Nazis and they continued to fight the good fight after the fact. The third film is the big standout film for most people though, because not only does it give the origin story for the series (until they made another one later on) but it also takes place during WWII in Nazi Germany, showcasing the direct threat when it was at its most dangerous. The crowning scene is the main antagonist, Major Kraus, getting turned into a meat puppet and strung up before being dropped on an axe while the Nazi flag burns. That's some good Antifa entertainment right there.

Apparently, Ilsa fights the puppets in the newest one too? Huh. Weird.
Well, while I'm still angry and want all Nazis to meet a horrible end, I will say that this has been cathartic for me. I hope it helped some of you too, even if only a little bit. At the very least you all know some movies to go watch to help work through your own anger. By all means though, punch some Nazis too. They're extremely punchable. Me, I'm going to go try and get a new review going and prepare myself to talk about a terrible comic event I recently finished reading. I'm sure that will  be great fun for us all. Later days, bleeders!

Remember what Blade says, kids: the only good Nazi is a horribly mutilated one.

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