Saturday, July 23, 2016

Giant Heroine Next Lady (2015)

As a man who enjoys giant monsters, it should come as no surprise that I also enjoy size changing heroes that battle giant monsters too. We already covered the beautifully bizarre love letter to them when I reviewed Big Man Japan, but that guy really didn't look anything like Ultraman, did he? So, today we're going to take a look at something that is quite clearly meant to be a twist on Ultraman: a porn parody. And the twist here is that it's not a man battling giant monsters but an attractive Japanese lady.

Who is probably going to get fucked while wearing a an awkward helmet.

But here's the thing, this isn't a new thing. And no, I'm not referencing things like the softcore giant lady films from Corman and company, but rather I mean that this is an entire subgenre unto itself. Giant female superheroes getting buggered for your viewing pleasure. As such, it's also worth pointing out that this isn't even the first film in the Next Lady series and I'm not covering these movies in proper order, which is not something I usually take to doing. The reason? Because this is the only one I have access to currently, so it's what you're getting. That's not all either because here's another fun thing to note: there aren't any subtitles!

I wonder if I'll be able to make any sense of the complex plot?
Luckily, thanks to translated plot blurbs and a lot of me making shit up as it goes along, I'm fairly certain I can make it through this. Now sit back, kick your feet up, and join me as I delve into my very first kaiju porno. it's sure to be a memorable experience for all of us. Apologies in advance if I inadvertently offend any fans of...well, whatever this is.

"Do not worry, all will become clear. Now...did you bring lubricant?"
Now, from what I've read, Next Lady was sent here from space to protect Earth from criminals...giant criminals. I'm not really sure why it called giant monsters criminals, but I guess size doesn't matter when you're breaking the law. I wonder if Godzilla ever got a subpoena? Is there a court room made large enough to accommodate a jury of kaiju peers? Is there a giant bailiff? Man, who would've thought that a porn film about a female Ultraman would create so many questions about the legal system in regards to kaiju? But yeah, if you've seen Ultraman, then expect more of the same basic premise. She works with group to fight giant monsters, hiding her true identity as Next Lady, and then goes and "fights" said monsters. And by fight, I mean she gets violently molested.

On the plus side though, the Japanese are nice enough to censor this so I don't have to.
So, our heroine is Tsukasa Kuon, the titular protagonist with them there powers to grow giant and the like. Our film opens on the Earth Defense Force flying in and her running to the roof of a building to stare at the monster currently destroying the city. It's nice to see she enjoying the small things, like gazing out upon the scenic cityscape...as it's destroyed. Actually, Tsukasa, you should probably go do something about that.

Or you could just keep staring...no rush or anything.
Rather than go fight the monster, we see her instead watch her teammates (I guess) fly towards it in their ship, shooting lasers at the big hairy thing while wearing helmets that look like there were created by Professor Charles Xavier to find errant mutants to save. The lasers do a whole lot of nothing, they talk to our currently useless heroine via their comms, and the monster smashes a building that was probably full of orphans because staring at a giant monster surprisingly doesn't stop it.

Insert sounds of crunchy orphans getting eaten and their pitiful screams for help here.
They keep shooting uselessly as it keep destroying things and, eventually, Next Lady shows up to smack the creature from behind. It barely phases it and the fight then begins...the long fight that mostly consists of her getting tossed around. But hey, there is one really notable thing that happens, as this guy shows up to immediately haunt your nightmares.

"I  W I L L  S E E  Y O U  T O N I G H T..."
I'm not entirely sure what the fuck is going on with this guy, but if I had to guess, he might be somewhat related to the giant monster. Or maybe he's this movie's idea of a kid? Hell, maybe he's just a pervert who wandered in to fap to this and they decided to work him into it all. Regardless of what he may be, he's definitely going to haunt me for a long time because his "face" is scarier that the new Godzilla design from Toho. His teeth are about as messed up too.

"Every breath I take is a pain unimaginable to mortal reckoning."
And, as if to prove that theory, the giant monster on display here also has some pretty fucked up teeth. Anyway, we return to seeing them fight until the monster seemingly begs for mercy. She holds her hand out to it, undoubtedly hoping to make friends and maybe have a giant monster bro to back her up in the future. Don't we all hope for that? But it turns out to be a fake-out and the bastard sucker punches her. She gets thrown to the ground while he pounds his chest, clearly feeling dominant, but she ain't having it. She rises again, taking the beast down where it once more writhes and seems pitiful.

He's probably hoping she's not about to punch his dick off.
Again, she lets herself feel some pity for the thing, result in it grabbing an electric pole and sticking it straight into her vagina, sending what I must imagine are some fairly painful electrical shocks throughout her entire body. And again, yes, he just jammed an electric pole into her cooter. Well, there's the beginning of the clear porn parts of the film, I suppose. It's not what I'd call erotic, but I wasn't really expecting to be turned on by giant monster porn. But that's just me, as a quick search has shown quite a bit of interest in giant monsters banging. And who am I to judge?

If you want to titfuck King Caesar, more power to you. I will not shit on your dreams.
He beats her with the pole after she moans loudly from getting shocked in the most tender of areas, but she finally recovers and after smacking him around a bit, he falls and begs for mercy again. She wises up, finally using her apparent powers to blow him the fuck up. All this while the creepy wheelchair guy watches and shouts what may be orders? I have no idea what is going on with this guy. Next scene features her and a guy in surgical mask talking to him and we get a nice close view of him. Let me warn you, seeing him up close is much creepier than seeing him as before.

WHY DOES THIS EXIST? NOT THE MOVIE, BUT THIS!
She talks to him for what feels like forever, making me increasingly more uncomfortable as I stare at his visage in abject horror. Is this the image that H.P. Lovecraft saw in the darkness, staring at him, whispering things? I think it is. I just can't get over how he looks. Just fuck, that is hard to look at. After that really long talking scene, of which I understood nothing so I am going to assume it was just them talking about waffles, we see the big hairy monster she blew up again, seemingly alive and ready to wreck shit. Did they seriously just stop fighting to have conversation while waiting for that thing to wake up or something?

"Stop looking at me and go punch it in the scrotum!"
Her teammates show up to talk some more, they do a lot of staring at the monster, and the guy with the face keeps talking. Let's say he's talking about...I dunno...brownies. They pull out a big gun, meaning they're finally going to do something. It's quite large, needing two of them to hold it. It basically looks like the sort of thing you'd see sentai heroes pull out to finish off a monster on their show while they pose dramatically. They shoot the monster and...he turns into a giant naked guy with a monster head. Alright, sure, the actor simply took off the suit, but the context of the reality our story exists in is that he's now just a giant furless kaiju. How does that stop him? Well, I guess they're really counting on him caring about being naked in public. Apparently fur made all the difference in instilling confidence.

Or maybe he's just worried about his dick being small when compared to an electric pole.
They shoot him again, he dies...again, and they celebrate their victory by them all looking like something profound or dramatic has happened. The second act then begins as yet another monster shows up, clearly being Baragon rip-off. The helmet brigade goes after it, proving about as useful as before, and the city burns once more because our heroes aren't so good at the saving people thing. Next Lady shows up much quicker this time, but it's going to be a much rougher experience. Seriously, she gets manhandled by this beastie big time. Yeah, this fight is going to get really awkward really quickly.

I guess this may give us all a rough idea how Manila came to exist though.
From that screenshot you'd assume she's about to get mounted but nope. He just kinda gropes her a bit, breathing loudly over her until she can get out. No, the real action comes when the helmet brigade shoots her with that laser and is causes her clothes to literally become her skin. but hey, on the plus side, the body paint her is much better done than the paint seen in the She-Hulk porno appearances, so that's good. So, is he gonna fuck her now? Well, yes, but not how you might expect him to.

Horny just got a new definition. Also, ow.
Yep, the Baragon rip-off headbutts heads right in the vagina and she gets to learn what being fucked by a horn feels like. I'd guess painful, very very painful, but then she's a strong-ish superhero type, so maybe it's less hurty. If you ever wanted to see a female Ultraman get fucked by a horn, I'm sure you'd love this. But it's not over when he pulls out. Oh no, there's still an entire third act and we're only half through the second as he rams that same horn back in while she moans loudly. I don't even have a vagina and this is making mine hurt.

FUCKING OW.
He head-horn fucks her for a while and when he pulls out again...HOLY SHIT, HIS FUCKING HORN IS RED! I know it's just the body paint rubbing off because of the juices and whatnot, but oh my god, it looks like he fucking ripped her womb open there. Jesus fucking pogo-hopping shit-kicking ass-spanking Christ, that is horrifying. I would like to apologize to all my readers who have a vagina, because I cannot imagine this is the sort of image you want...but I have to show it off. It must be done.

That's not how you treat a snack bar, sir.
But we're still not done, because Next Lady is the kind of heroine who doesn't take horrible vaginal pain and decide to walk away in search of medical aid. Oh no, she instead put herself in an even worse position where she's now stuck on one of the larger horns on his fucking back and is now getting fucked by it. She gets fucked by a horn, again, and then the film comes to a close as she finally gets off of the horn, clutching her most assuredly sore undercarraige and laying o nthe ground helplessly and the monster crawls away to probably eat some people. The end. Wow. Just...I need a moment here...no, I'm fine...really....I'm just FINE!

*sounds of things breaking*
I don't want to just say this was bad, because I get what they were doing and I actually applaud the effort to make a parody of this type of thing. But the problem is that it gives us a heroine who gets fucked and then doesn't stop the enemy. I'd be more willing to forgive it if she actually killed the monsters, but the first one died when they shot it from the building and the second one didn't die at all. It's not very compelling when you give us a protagonist who honestly feels more than a little useless, outside of distracting monsters by letting them fuck her.

Truly, this is the most dignified method to fend off threats.
In the end the movie was mildly entertaining because of how strange it was, but I'm not sure I'd want to watch it again. Lucky for me, there are three other films in the Next Lady series I can watch instead. Oh joy. But our journey down this bizarre rabbit hole isn't done yet, because next time I want you to come back as we look at another giant female protector from Japan and see if she has better luck. I'm going to wager not. Later days, bleeders.

And take off those damn helmets!

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