Friday, April 1, 2016

Justice League of Pornstar Heroes (2011)

I had a lot of choices to pick from when it came to what I'd talk about during Superhero Week. Not gonna lie, most of them choices were bad. As I saving a particularly despised film for our climactic entry, I found myself having to pick between either doing a porn parody or a movie with Megan Fox in it. I think you can tell which movie I went with, as I don't fancy pulling splinters out of my eyes and ears today. And hey, they is a pretty appropriate film choice. We do have a big movie in theaters that is all about setting up the Justice League feature film. Why am I not talking about that movie, you say? Probably because I don't want to be yet another of the many critics talking about it who will automatically get ignored because "critics are bad".

If all you want is a superhero circlejerk, then I may as well give it to you.

And, before anyone invariably asks, yes, I saw Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. If you want a very short review of it, here you go: it was fine. It wasn't mind-blowing, it wasn't genre redefining, it wasn't the worst superhero film ever made, it was just fine. Okay, I didn't dislike the movie, I really didn't. But I dislike the title and how extremely misleading it actually is. I also dislike that the movie really plays out like a "let's all shit on Superman no matter what he does" fest. The heroes of the film did very well in their roles...barring a bit too much Frank Miller influence on Batman at times, the costumes were well done, and the clear hype for the Justice League has been built. My main complaint is that the xenophobia felt a too heavy-handed and really made Batman come off as an obsessed prick. Consider that my BvS review, because I honestly have no intention or desire to enter into the massive fuckfest discussion regarding it has become. It's MOS all over again, which is why I didn't review that film until this year.

I guess maybe I'll come back in three years and give it a proper review. Until then, I'M OUT!
I'm out of that whole thing anyway. I'm still sticking around to talk about this movie. So, have you ever wanted to see a porno spoof of Superfriends? No? Well, too fucking bad, because that's what you're getting. That's not even a joke either, as this movie literally opens on animated scenes of the heroes doing their thing...in their porn attire. That means that nearly every single logo has XXX in it and they're here to "save porno kind". After the brief opening, we get tossed straight to a meeting of the JLPH as they discuss the looming threat to....Petropolis? Really? You couldn't call it Porntropolis? What, would that be too silly? For this movie?

"Sorry, Superman. I'm out. Go hire Jason Momoa instead because I'm through being the butt of your jokes."
The low down is this: there's bombs in all the major cities they protect and they've got to fuck their way through any threat that gets in their way. All far as plots go, I suppose I've seen worst. Superheroes stopping badguys from blowing up their cities. I guess this can't be that bad, right? Well, I would say that if it wasn't for the Flash's fucking giant wobbly bolt ears. Jesus, look at those derpy things! I'm not even on the Justice League of Pornstar Heroes and I want to quit out of shame for being associated with him. And Batman...isn't looking his best.

I shouldn't feel like one of the heroes is staring at me with aspirations towards eating my liver with fava beans.
It doesn't help that Robin looks like he's pushing 40. Aquaman tries to bail, because that wasn't just a joke before, but Batman gives him a shit for wanting to go protect his city and his wife. Even in a damn porn parody they have to give Aquaman shit, don't they? The guy who is about as strong as Superman and literally has almost all the things in the ocean at his beck and call. Let me remind you, the Earth is mostly water. And that's not all...because Aquaman's abilities mean he can call in the ultimate back-up.

Shut up and let me dream.
The movie also does this thing where it uses animated interludes to show the characters travel, which I kind of like. If you're going to go with the Superfriends thing, own it. Probably should've named it Pornofriends in that case though. Anyway, first up we get Batman and Robin going after Catwoman. She's wearing the Halle Berry costume which, I guess makes more sense here than it does for an actual superhero movie. She agrees to help them if she gets something in return, so cue the threesome. Yeah, totally didn't see that coming.

It's more shocking that there's no joke about Robin trying to blow Batman.
They fuck, they cum on her face, and she blows knockout dust in their faces while still covered in thick coat of semen. I like to think Robin passed out in whatever fluids managed to fall onto the ground. From the lovely scene, where do we go from here? To the best scene in the movie, of course! The return of the true star of Batgirl XXX, Ron Jeremy as the Penguin!

"I'm here to offer an actual entertaining performance to break up all of the monotony. Enjoy!"
He pops in to thank everyone for treating him like human being and to announce his candidacy for mayor which, fun fact, he actually was for a time. Nice. From there we get to Superman as he takes on...Zatanna? What the actual living fuck? Zatanna is, for people who don't know, a superhero. She's always been a superhero and has, many times over the years, been a card carrying member of the Justice League. Did you really need to pretend she's a villain just so you'd have an excuse for Superman fuck some justice into her? Really, filmmakers? Would it have been so hard to just have them work together to stop a badguy, then have them fuck in celebration? Because it would make about as much damn sense as turning into a supervillain. Ugh. She acts out of character, some blow-up dolls clap, they fuck, she poofs out of there. Moving on. What's next?

Oh, for fuck's sake...look at these two. You know what? No. NO!
Yeah, we're skipping this scene. These two look awful and their acting is physically hurting me. NEXT! We get Derpy Flash and Superman so we can learn that Batman and Robin are still missing and that Flash is going to go do something. So he goes to confront the badguys, who are a scretary and some generic masked goons? Oh wait, sorry, she's a courier. Wow, exciting. I wonder if they're going to have a nonsensical sex scene now while we pretend he doesn't look like Howard from the Big Bang Theory?

What would Bernadette think? Probably that his costume sucks.
So, the courier works for a general. General Sam Lane? General Wade Eiling? Nope, just The General. What, did you expect an actual villain from the comics? From the people who think Zatanna is a villain? Prepare for disappointment. Short meeting with the heroes again, then it's off into her invisible jet fro Wonder Woman to go fight and fuck the classic Justice League enemy, The General. Before it kinda makes sense, because the male heroes were in control but...he literally takes her from behind and shit. I don't think she's really vanquished him all that well if he's in the dominant position sexually at any point during this. But who cares? It's just another scene of two people fucking, why impose logic? It's not like this is meant to represent characters who should behave a certain way that would give at least some of the audience an expectation as to some sort of sense being made, right?

That's it, Wonder Woman! You...let that guy fuck you...until you win?
Whatever, let's go to the next sex scene scenario. Green Lantern, alright! So, is he gonna go up against his on-again, off-again love interest and sometimes archenemy, Carol Ferris aka Star Sapphire? Naaaaaaahhhh. He gets Harley Quinn, because she's popular and they had the fetish costume handy. Now, the actress that plays Harley is Amber Rayne, who also played her in Batgirl XXX. I don't remember if I said in that review (and don't feel like checking right now because I'm tired) but she's actually not a terrible Harley actress. She actually tries harder than most of the others actors and it shows. Not bad. After a very one-sided fight, Green Lantern fucks her and gives her the hardest to see facial ever. Seriously, semen on white makeup it hard to make out.

I'm sure it's there. Somewhere.
After this, all of the heroes end up together with the bomb. I'm not sure how, honestly, because I tuned out quite a bit so it made what little plot there was rather difficult to follow. They destroy the bomb, they the all fuck Wonder Woman's mouth, because she's there and is less stubbly than Robin. I am an orally fixated person and this entire scene feels like it grinds on literally forever. It's just long sloppy blowjobs for everyone and it goes on for so long that it becomes tedious and bit stomach turning to seeing all the drool everywhere. It's like Hooch is blowing Turner. Eugh. Lex Luthor's hologram then shows up to greet them and Wonder Woman is magically semen free. He informs them that the bomb they destroyed was a decoy and the real one is surrounded by kryptonite and about to go off. What do our heroes do? They die. No, really, they literally just give up and accept defeat as the screen goes black.

Oh, and Wonder Woman cries. Because she's a woman and not some powerful warrior who could also fly down and get the bomb or anything.
This movie was really dumb. Even for a porn parody this was really bad. It acts like Superfriends parody, but then doesn't really include any of the villains from that (Giganta, Cheetah, Insecta, Vampiress, etc.), and they stuck characters from the comics almost making it seem like they did some research...then got them completely wrong. Fuck me, I would've loved to have seen Wonder Woman take on Solomon Grundy, complete with cheesy southern accent. Overall, this movie feels like a massive waste. Even with all the problems that Batgirl XXX had, it was still a better parody than this with far more entertainment value to be had from both the characters and the sex scenes.

But hey, at least we got to see Harley Quinn have sex with a character she has no history with at all.
I say take a pass on this one, as it's mostly just a bad cosplay porno more than anything. You can find better cosplay porn for free, trust me. Hell, as painful as it is to admit, the Avengers porn parody was better than this. Yeah, the one where Thor tongue-fucked Chyna. Don't act like you need a link to my review of it, it's literally my second most viewed article currently, so you've probably seen it. So, until tomorrow when I crank out a review for a movie I actually hate more than this one, I'll be here wondering if they'll ever do a Harley Quinn XXX solo film. Because that would make a lot of money, guaranteed. Later days, bleeders.

Don't make her get the mallet.

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