Monday, March 7, 2016

The Devil in Miss Jones 4: The Final Outrage (1986)

Last time on Dragon Ball Z! Goku battled Freiza for ten or so episodes, Krillin died again, Bulma flirted with a homicidal alien who tried to kill everyone, and Justine Jones remembered that she was raped by her father as a girl. That's why she got sent to the Home For Infinite Losers, apparently.

Close enough.

Now, as someone pointed out, I actually missed talking about the actual ending and instead talked about scenes that are from this movie. It turns out that the copy of the film I had skipped part of the film, namely the real "ending" for 3 and the card that let us know we were watching a preview of 4. Oops. But hey, it's not like it's any real surprise that Justine got raped by her dad. At this point when I'm talking about these movies, I'm more surprised when there isn't rape or incest. Now, while that whole thing would've actually made for an interesting, albeit fucked up, cliffhanger...the actual ending is a bit less engrossing. Mostly it's just gross. Justine and Negro come upon a guy who looks like he has fungus growing on his head and is laying on the ground saying "suck me" repeatedly. Let me guess, she's going to buy him lunch and talk about politics?


Well, politics is full of a bunch of dicks, so Justine's mouth does tend to have that in common.
Yep, our film kicks with a short recap of the previous one and then we get our lead sucking off what is probably the most annoying demon in Hell. Alright, Negro is probably more annoying, but I can't imagine hearing someone repeatedly say "suck me" for all eternity would be fun. It's like "I'm not touching you" but with more penis. He doesn't even shut up when she does what he wants either. He talks during it while Negro rubs her ass and watches. This movie is giving me a migraine already. He cums, it's over, then we get the personification of my migraine as a bitchy woman shows up in the interview segment to talk about how Justine is a lesbian.

Ma'am, I don't think you know how lesbians work.
I haven't really talked much about these interviews as they don't really add much. I guess the idea is that they're giving you nuggets about our lead, but honestly they don't really all seem very accurate. This one especially, because Justine clearly likes being dicked. Unless this is like a Frank Miller commentary where we're supposed to buy that all a lesbian needs is a good hard dicking to be turned straight, because while that's stupid, it's an argument that some people (mostly men) actually make. Even then though, it doesn't make sense as we've not seen her dive into a single muff. I have been face to face with more vagina than Justine and she's supposed to be such a horrible slut that she's landed in Hell as a result of it. Eh, whatever. Guess what room is next?

The Ron Jeremy Room!
Yes, it's that magical room full of sex crazed people having a veritable orgy that I mentioned last time...as opposed to every other room that has about the same thing happening in it. I thought Hell was about punishing people? I mean, sure, Negro goes on about how they'll all screw until they're so riddled with VDs that they can barely function but I'm looking at these people and having serious doubts that this wasn't already something they got used to before dying. In the original film it was more believable when our lead got stuck alone with a man who wouldn't have sex with her for all eternity. That's a believable punishment for someone who is clearly desiring sex to an obsessive level. Having a giant orgy isn't.

Unless you're someone who really doesn't want to step in semen.
Lots and lots of fucking then occurs, much to the delight of Negro, who clearly wears the plastic because he likes spending lots of time in these rooms. Justine becomes repulsed though as she recognizes one of the denizens, the one and only Ron Jeremy. Apparently they went to school together and did it together once, which resulted in him being rather creepy afterwards. Ron Jeremy? Creepy and unsavory? Absurd!

He's simply a misunderstood artist.
After he asks her how she died to get there and she says she isn't, Negro tries to set her straight again. Seriously, Justine...if you aren't dead, then I am bit disturbed at what this elaborate dream says about your mental health. But she remains in denial and the sex continues as our "heroes" exit, leaving the depraved to continue their depravity. It's been a while since I saw Ron Jeremy's dick in its prime. Yes, I am really reaching here for something and apparently that something is Ron's cock. Let's move on before I start questioning myself more than my audience probably is.

People are so judgmental.
After another interview, a patented joke about whores from Negro, and Justine listing off what she's seen, we get to the next room: the racists. The joke here is, of course, that they're all fucking people who they're racist against. Yes, because racists never rape or fuck people who aren't of their race. What this really is is an excuse to see which movie can have more stereotypical "extras", this or Santa Claus. You know, that 1959 movie where Santa lived alone with two other grown men in a castle populated entirely with children and a telescope with big lips.

He also shot a rocket up the devil's asshole, which makes it semi-topical to what we're currently watching.
Justine calls Negro a racist (which is true) and then we get to watch these racists fuck and get fucked, because it's important to see bad people getting to have lots of orgasms. How else will you know they're getting properly punished? What I've got to wonder though is, who are the others involved in the fucking? Are they demons who are doing their job? Are they also racists? Are they mindless creations of the room to fulfill to appointed task? I have questions, movie! Negro, answer my questions, dammit!

"I ain't tellin' you shit!"
So, exasperated with this whole experience, Justine asks to be left alone and talks about wanting to just go home. This actually seems to get a bit of pity from her perverted asshole of a guide. He tells her he once had a dream that he believes is deeply symbolic...it involves a floating ass with a big dick hanging out of it...which just becomes a joke of him saying that all white women want big black dicks in them. Lovely. I almost thought something funny was going to happen. Also, he sees a pig head, which makes about as much sense as last time. It tells him he's dead and that's how he apparently knew he was in Hell. You know what? Let's just ignore Negro and move on, because that's exactly what Justine does.

"Where you goin', bitch? I got more stories about dickbutts!"

Finally, we reach the big moment as he declares she went in the wrong room, that being The Ordeal of the Taboo Breakers, otherwise know as the room where Justine gets to relive past trauma and watch herself get fucked by her dad. The other thing sounded more fancy. Negro runs in, telling her she that she wasn't supposed to come in here. It's apparently off limits to everyone, which is probably the most puzzling thing yet being that it's the first thing approaching punishment I've seen in Hell in these movies. She stares on in horror as she remembers her dad molesting and raping her as a child, stealing away that innocence. Then we get a long sex scene of her fucking her dad, because nothing is hotter than traumatic incest and repressed memories of rape.

At least Negro seems to be enjoying himself. Or having a seizure. I'm really hoping for the latter.
After the long sex happens, Negro calls her a stupid bitch (how different!) and we get another interview with the lady who is such an expert on lesbians from earlier. Justine then comes to what is supposedly the exit to Hell, which consists of an exit sign over a table with a head who asks if he could please lick her asshole. Not taking the traumatic memories that were just dredged up very well, she screams, and runs through the exit. The head continues talking to the skulls on either side of it, because I guess it gets boring when you've got no assholes to lick.

Makes me wonder how he gets his makeup on so straight without hands.
She wakes up in bed with the guy with the serial killer glare who fucked her to death in the last movie. She yells at him but feels remorse afterwards, going to try and apologize before he finishes pissing and leaves. She goes to the door, which flies open revealing Negro and the big plot twist that she really is dead and stuck in Hell forever. She covers her face in despair while he acts the annoying stereotype he's been throughout the running time of these two movies. Thus ends the tale of Justine Jones, which was both somewhat tragic and highly ehhhhh in many parts.

Can you guess why?
The main problem with these two films is more than just the irritating tag-along character though. It's actually the fact that this was not a story that needed two movies. The sex scenes often went on too long, the comedy bits often fell flat, and there simply wasn't enough of Justine being a smart-ass. She's funny on her own and the addition of Negro takes away from it, with him always seeming to try and steal scenes by being the most annoying person in the room. If they'd given Justine a guide who acted as a straightman for her sarcastic jokes and comments it would've made the entire experience more entertaining.  As is, it all went on far too long and left me underwhelmed.

Ron Jeremy got more laughs from me than the comic relief while he was getting blowjob.
The sex scenes are what they are. They're filmed well and the sets are better than expected, but overall they still feel like they run too long. Porn should never overstay its welcome and many of these scenes definitely feel like they do. Most of the audience who actually are jerking off to this will be done before a single scene gets halfway through, which is probably why short internet porn videos have become so popular. This isn't the worst porno I've watched, by any stretch. It's very well made, I just can't get past the flaws because there simply isn't enough here that I really found myself enjoying. Should you watch it? Sure, why not? I think you should all have to suffer through Negro just like I did. It's only fair. I'd prepare for an intermission though, as this entire experience has left my ass numb as hell. So, until Negro gets a spin-off film where he actually has sex, I'll be here preparing for the true horror that awaits me. Later days, bleeders.

Oh, and Negro was the interviewer the whole time. What a twist that isn't spoiled at all by what is clearly his voice.


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