Friday, February 26, 2016

The Devil in Miss Jones 3: A New Beginning (1986)

Here we are, back to talk about a movie. So, what movie did I pick to kick things back in gear? How about a porno reboot to a popular series of porn films from the 70s that never really gets talked about much anymore. Yes, Hollywood and DC Comics aren't the only assholes who like to take something and reboot it into the ground, as the porn industry has been guilty of this as well. Hell, remember that awful Bat Pussy remake I watched?

Yes, I know, it wasn't really a remake of a terrible old porno. But it sure felt just as bad.

The Devil in Miss Jones was a story about a sad woman who committed suicide and has been stuck in limbo, as she's too pure for Hell but killing yourself doesn't allow you in Heaven for some reason. She decides to earn a spot in Hell by being allowed to live again and go on a fuck spree that would make my highly promiscuous character in Fallout: New Vegas raise an eyebrow, and she then ended up trapped in Hell after becoming a sex addict with a man who simply would not have sex with her. Well, that's kinda depressing. Why am I not talking about that movie?

Oh yeah...that's why.
Now, I won't say I'm a big fan of the original film. It is, as I said, a bit depressing when you really look at it. I actually got more of a kick out of the sequel, which featured a dick-nosed man and Lucifer shooting literal flames from his dick. It's one of those porno films I watched at a younger age that I clearly remembered being entertaining. Then there's this movie, which is a reboot of the original concept. You can really tell it's set in the 1980s too because just take a look at our lead and her incredibly flammable hair.

And you thought Japanese bikers used a lot of hair product.
The film opens on, what else, a pair of tits. We're featured to a scene of our lead, Justine Jones, showering and all I can think is that it feels like it belongs more in an R-rated film rather than an X-rated one. But maybe that's just because porn stopped being the lest bit subtle a long time ago, so that may be causing me some confusion. After we watch her wash herself, we then must remind ourselves that she'll probably be needing a much longer shower when this story runs its course. We're going to avoid simply attempting to break the movie down scene by scene in linear fashion. Why? Because I want to avoid thinking too hard about what's ahead of us here.

I always feel like I'm going to turn into a space baby after these types of reviews.
Justine's story is split between what appears to be a documentary being filmed about her, with various people she's known in life talking about her and their experiences with her...and lots of weird shit involving sex in Hell. There's clear strangeness present even before the trip to Hell though, which gets reflected in the people being interviewed like her ex-boyfriend, Bill. We see him cheating on her in a rather blatant fashion and this results in her going out and fucking a groom who was abandoned at the altar whom she meets at the bar. And then, said groom murders her. Well, alright, he sort of rams her into the headboard in a way that could be an accident...but then he stares at her seemingly lifeless body like he's more turned on that ever.

You know, in that way a serial killer gets turned on while leering at their victim.
Now, we're going to pause for a second and go back to before Justine was fucked to literal Hell. On her way to the bar she got to meet a pimp who verbally harassed her repeatedly and made me do a double take, as I was certain he was Benny from Total Recall. Remember that movie? Yeah, Benny was the cab driver in that movie. You know, the one with the mutated arm and the grating voice. Although, Benny was never this bad. This pimp is literally such a walking stereotype that I could swear I saw him in Wayans Bros. film. Benny was just annoying comic relief who had a really gnarly arm.

Try not to think about what said arm would do if he were actually in a porno film. It leads to dark places.
I bring all of this up because, upon awaking in Hell, Justine is welcomed by said pimp, or rather it's the same actor now playing denizen of Hell sent there to act as her guide. And his name is Negro. That's not a joke, that's really his name here. What, was calling him Racist Stereotype too on the nose? Also, he's wearing plastic...I wonder why?

"It's because there's a whole lotta semen flyin' 'round down here."
They enter the first room on her tour of Hell where voyeurs get to spend their eternities doing the exact thing that seemingly landed them there, which seems a bit questionable. I mean, how is that punishing them? They like watching so you force them to watch? But that's just the first of many questions I will have about this movie's version of Hell. As the perverts watch on, two people have some awkward sex where the guy's dick seems to keep wanting to pop out, and then we get another girl getting double-teamed. It's nothing really too bad, as far as porn goes. It's not even really all that weird, which is probably making you all wonder why I made claims of such things earlier.

Cue the hooded masked oinking pigman gangbang.
Yes, you read that right. In the next room there is a gangbang featuring hooded masked guys who are oinking and squealing, thus implying they're cousins of Gannon out looking for a good time. This is the weird shit I promised you, but then it isn't. Make no mistake, it is incredibly fucking weird and off-putting. This is one of the sloppiest looking gangbangs I've seen in the way it's portrayed. It's not that it involves fountains of semen but it just looks really messy and gross. Even by gangbang standards. I would say this is likely due to the actors all behaving like they're a bunch of horny animals with no patience. The sounds they're making don't help matters either.

Just looking at this one still makes me still hear the sounds of a messy pig orgy.
Justine happens to know the lady getting banged too and Negro is nice enough to let her take her place for a bit, because the lead really does need to do a bit more than just watch sex and be topless to earn that porn paycheck. But he saves her before she gets too comfortable with an eternity of being gangraped and we're shown another room where sex addicts are literally fucking themselves into insanity. Surprising no one, Ron Jeremy shows up among these people. It's possibly the shortest sex scene I've ever seen him in. From there, Justine is shown the racists, which made me laugh aloud because her guide is one of the most blatantly racist things I've seen in a porn film. Then she apparently wanders into the worst place of all, the Ordeal of the Taboo Breaker. What does this mean? She sees herself fucking her dad.

Hello, incest. I was wondering when you'd pop in.
You know, it's really telling when no matter what shitty movie I choose to watch, I somehow always find myself expecting rape and/or incest to show up. Especially when I'm working from a list of movies that are mostly requests from all of you. So, yeah, clearly Justine was diddled by daddy as a girl and this is where she started down her dark road to Hell. At least they picked a good actor, as her dad really does look like a fucking pedophile. And Sonny Bono. Basically, he looks like if Sonny Bono was a pedophile. You know, like some other politicians. From there it's some short bursts of fucked up imagery and one of the many interviewees lays out his views on death as the credits roll. But that's not the end, oh no.

Hell is for sequels, after all.
That's right, there's a sequel. A direct sequel that picks up where this movie left off, which really explains how abrupt this movie's ending feels. As a porno, it's actually not bad. The sex scenes are well done and there is variety. But this movie's real highlight isn't the average sex scenes but rather the surreal sets, situations, and story. There are parts of this movie where I find myself feeling like I was on some sort of drug I routinely encountered when I was much younger. This movie is like doing questionable acid that you found in a trash can at a house party where a gangbang breaks out in the living room.

Which somehow leads to you seeing a literal floating pig head.
And while I'm not really a fan of the ridiculously stereotypical Negro, I will say Lois Ayre did a good job as Justine. She acts with quite a bit of with and attitude here, giving the lead a defined personality beyond being someone who simply exists to get fucked a lot in Hell. My main complaint with this movie is that it didn't get weird enough early on, keep rather tame until we got to the gangbang room. It's not the worst porno I've sat through, but then again, I really only sat through half of the entire story. I'm sure after I've had to wade through the oncoming incest sex scenes in the sequel, I will ready to offer a bit more in the way of complaint. Until then, I'll be here hoping that Justine only used hairspray and mousse to get that hair and nothing else that might be...lying around on set. Later days, bleeders.

And seriously, don't do acid.

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