Monday, January 18, 2016

Top Ten Worst Movies of 2015

Oh yeah, I haven't forgotten. Well all know this is the list you beautiful bastards really want. Good movies? Oh those are fine, but what about the shit? Yes, that's what you really want to see me talk about. It's fine, I'm happy to tear apart terrible movies for your amusement. After all, I do this for all of you, my lovely fans. At least that's what I tell myself as the voices whisper dark atrocities into my ear holes.

Seriously, where are those voices coming from?

Until I learn where these mysterious voices come from, I guess I'll just trudge forward and talk about some of the worst piles of excrement to crawl down from cinema's tightly coiled asshole this past year. And believe me, there were some especially nasty turds dribbling from that brown-eye. So many that I had trouble nailing down the worst, because wow, that's a lot of shit. But after a lot of debate and soul searching (with some minor mental breakdowns) I put together this list. Without further ado, let's entrench ourselves into this mess. Don't worry, I'll hose you off when we're done.

It's nice to see that cinema is giving jobs to all those poor mistreated white people.
#10, Pan

Alright, this one comes in at the bottom for a very particular reason: it's completely stupidly ridiculous and may go one to become another film in the vein of The Room. Seriously, this movies is so batshit that it has cult status ahead of it, I am certain. What it doesn't have ahead of it is financial success though...or a sequel. That's for the best too because you don't want to overstay your LSD coated welcome. Or is fairy dust coated? Ah, who cares. Either way Hugh Jackman is likely going to be inhaling it like he's fucking Scarface with a mountain of cocaine. Hell, why didn't the get Pacino to play Blackbeard? That would've really made this a classic!

Despite the title, no cameo from Hatsume Miku or Tupac Shakur was present.
#9, Jem and the Holograms

Here's a movie that everyone has come to a very similar conclusion about: it has no purpose. It doesn't resemble in any way the Jem and the Holograms cartoon of the 1980s, so the fans of that didn't want to see it. It doesn't really resemble the new comic series, so the fans of that didn't really care about seeing it either. And the general movie-going public? Yeah, they barely noticed this existed. With good reason too as this movie seems to barely exist, padding itself out with YouTube videos and carrying a plot that is bland drama with not much to really care about. It's a shame we couldn't have gotten a film that actually took advantage of the concept, really running wild with it. With all the kids who grew up on it now being adults looking to reclaim their childhood, it could've been a great opportunity. Instead it's just a boring disappointment.

Now you can be disappointed in Real D 3D!!! Exciting, right?!
#8, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

You know a series has really overstayed itself when it tosses away what made it stand out in the first place, which is what we've got here. Known originally for being a legitimately creepy film built on minimalism with it's ghost effects, Paranormal Activity scared the shit out of audiences without ever having a single drop of bullshit CGI crap. So, in what may be the last film in the series, what do they do? Throw tons of CGI straight at our faces and completely ignore what made the original film scary in favour of generic tripe. I'm not going to say I'm a big fan of this series, but if this is the final film, it's going out on a whimper rather than a bang, and that's really sad. We need more creativity and less...whatever this is. Correction, this is shit. We need less shit.

The sequel no one asked for to the movie that surprised a few people.
#7, Hot Tub Time Machine 2

Speaking of sequels to much better films...oh yeah, this flaming bag of sheep stool trickled out in 2015. I know, you might be asking yourself, "did that come out last years?", because I too kept thinking it was from 2014 because it felt like something I was quickly forgetting like a distant memory. But no, it was 2015 and boy was it completely unnecessary. It was more unnecessary than the other two Matrix films and was less funny than those too, which is sad when it is a film chock full of comedy talent. I think the big red flag though should be Cusack bowing out of it, as he has said yes to some straight to video crap...but didn't want to do this. Very telling indeed.

From the creators of that one movie that was on last year's list! What a surprise!
#6, Do You Believe?

Oh boy, a Christian film that tries its damnedest to convert people to Christianity! The problem? No one but Christians into this schlock are going to be watching it. Well, them and people like me who end up watching more garbage than gold. This movie has a lot of the same problems movies like it always have, so let's just sum it up like this: it's a Christian propaganda film and it's not insane enough to be entertaining. Boo. Maybe if it was just a whole lot of Kirk Cameron mugging it might be better, but he's probably too busy being more materialistic than Donald Trump.

I hear the original title was Adam Sandler's Awful But We Like Him Anyway: The Movie.
#5, Pixels

Ah, Adam Sandler, why must you and I keep meeting like this? So, here's the thing...I don't hate Sandler. I really don't. He can be funny and likable. Hell, he can even be a good actor sometimes when given a good script and directed properly. But all of those things? Yeah, he's none of them here. This movie made a lot of people want to watch it with its clever advertising and a concept that played right into our nostalgia. But it gave us mostly unlikable leads, some pretty terrible humour, and the biggest waste of Peter Dinklage since Underdog. Sandler's character is just the biggest dickhead and we're supposed to like him? Why? Because he's the star. Fuck this movie, go watch Wreck-It Ralph. And if you see Sandler? Slap his hand and yell "NO! THAT'S A BAD AGING COMEDIAN!"

Nothing says "be my valentine" like a movie about an abusive relationship.
#4, Fifty Shades of Grey

Let's not kid ourselves, we all knew this would end up on here. It's a terrible film based on an even more terrible book. Whether it's just being a bad example of BDSM or being a fairly perfect example of a terribly abusive relationship, this movie really knocks it out of the park in both areas. It still bothers me to an extreme degree that this story, whether in print or on film, is being romanticized by various women to this day. Why? Do they think the idea of a man trying to possess them completely and basically raping them is sexy? Because that's horrifying. And trust me, I know horror, because I watched Thor go to town on Chyna.

Trust me, I know no good deed goes unpunished. I'd put the baby back in the burning house if I could unwatch this.
#3, The Green Inferno

Ah, I spoke of a green thing that gives me a headache and here comes another one. Actually, unless you count the jungle, it's not all that green. Mostly it's dirty and bloody, so maybe red or brown would be better colours associated with this thing. of course, perhaps the title The Brown Inferno would've been a little too honest, as it's yet another Eli Roth film that's here to remind us that he's still a one trick pony who is going to keep trotting along until we feed him to cannibals. If you've seen any of his other films, this should feel familiar: stupid assholes meet a gory end, stupidity abounds, and he claims it's all done because he loves the genre. If he really loved the genre, he'd quit making movies and do something more constructive. Like maybe writing an apology for this racist piece of shit that wants so badly to be an exploitation film but may as well have been titled Hostel: The Green Inferno for how different from any of his other films it actually is. There are better directors and better horror films, so let's all agree to leave Eli Roth in last year. What? Time doesn't work that way? Well, shit!

Love is...not present in this movie.
#2, Old Fashioned

I haven't seen too many people talk about this movie and I am kind of shocked about that, as this movie is one of the most disturbing things to come out last year. Advertised as a more wholesome alternative to Fifty Shades of Grey, it was honest about one thing. It is definitely comparable to that movie, as they're both about terrible relationships and abuse. Seriously, this is a movie about a man who literally makes a woman sit outside of her apartment because he seems to think that being in a room together might end badly. You know, like maybe he'll accidentally rape her. That's wholesome, right? But no, they play the entire thing like it's supposed to be this cute charming story of a guy being old fashioned. Let me tell you, if forcing your romantic partner to jump through hoops to be with you is charming, then clearly I need to change up my flirting technique. Not all abuse is physical and this movie really drives that home.

Not the change I wanted. I can't buy a cup of coffee with this!
#1, Fant4stic

Don't act shocked, you all know how much I loathe this film. Josh Trank's attempt to make a Fantastic Four film fell so flat that it resulted in a disjointed mess that couldn't decide if it wanted to be a really boring teen drama or a horror film. When it's not pushing the completely unlikable characters in our faces, it's instead reminding us that we could be watching much better films like Akira, Chronicle, or Roger Corman's Fantastic Four. Not only that, we get a reworked backstory that ends up highlighting traumatic abuse, lifeless performances from talented young actors, a completely uninteresting (or believable) love triangle, and the worst version of Ben Grim to ever appear on film. By the end of the film we're supposed to expect these people want to be a team of superheroes? Because I'm thinking that turns out about as well as this movie does in general. Fox needs to give it up and just sell the rights to Disney so they can make more X-Men movies. And lay off with the leather fetish, for fuck's sake!

"The only bright colours in our movies are on someone's skin!"
There you have it, the creme de la crap of 2015. It was a big year for movies and that's not always a good thing, as this list does prove. This year is looking pretty good for movies but I won't say there aren't some clear suspects I'm eyeing for this year's list. Between culturally appropriated horror movies and the return of the actress who leaves audience with splinters, it's going to be one hell of a year. Until then, I'll be here wishing the weather would make up its mind what temperature it wants to be. Later days, bleeders!

I live in Florida, so why are my hands so cold?

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