Wednesday, January 6, 2016

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Do you know what holiday tradition I find kind of unappetizing? Gingerbread men. I just don't really like how gingerbread tastes and I don't really find that turning it into a tiny person makes it seem any more edible. But do you know what might make a gingerbread man more palatable? If it were Gary Busey.

Because hearing his voice come out of one is still better than eating it.

Oh, Gary Busey, you are so delightfully you. Whether playing a saxophone on a beach, ranting at a blimp following you, or helping a small child fight off a werewolf, Gary Busey always brings a smile to my face. There really is just something about the man. It's hard to explain why I find him so charming...alright, except for the fact that he has a great laugh and he has actually made some pretty good movies. But most people focus instead on things like his stint on The Celebrity Apprentice. This movie falls more on that side of things too. I'm sure that's terribly shocking, because killer cookies are clearly the realm where only the most prestigious of actors tread. But it's not a real cookie, but rather a puppet. Yes, a puppet in a movie from Full Moon Entertainment.

I'm sure everyone fell out of their chairs with shock.
The film opens up in...Waco, Texas. Really? Hasn't Waco been through enough? Oh well...yeah, a Waco diner called Cadillac Jack's is being robbed by a guy who is a fairly well know killer. His name? Millard Findlemeyer. There's a name that just sounds like it would inspire someone to start killing people. And, big surprise, he has just murdered some people in said diner. A father and his son and daughter are hiding under a table when the father decides that he's had enough. He takes out a knife to go after Millard and learns the harshest of all lessons: a knife very rarely beats a gun.

I like how even Millard looks like even he can't believe how dumb the guy is.
Following their father's immediate exit from this film, the son decides he wants out too, volunteering next to have a nice knife-in-the-back massage. This leaves Sarah, the daughter, alone with the gun-toting guy who literally shot a girl for screaming. Luckily for Sarah, she has main character powers and he doesn't kill her. He does behave rather creepily, but he doesn't do anything bad to her...well, besides killing her father and brother in front of her.

"That's just how I flirt."
Fast forward to a later date, it seems that Millard met his end after being arrested and tried in court. But he vowed revenge on Sarah for testifying against him. I bet he wishes he'd shot her now. Or maybe that he wore a mask so she wouldn't know who he is. Hell, maybe he'd look at the entire situation and realize that he probably would've been better off not killing anyone, as robbery isn't generally an executable offense. Who am I kidding? Millard is a crazy dumbass. And apparently his mother is too, but with a little bonus: she's also a witch. After his death and cremation, mommy dearest decided to cast a spell on his ashes so he could be brought back, I guess. Honestly, a lot of it is left up for the audience to decide. Here's how I think it went.

"Now just a pinch of bad writing & a whole lot of alcohol...the spell is complete! My son shall live on through a bad movie!"
Now, here's where it all gets really stupid. Oh yeah, it hasn't gotten there yet. For Millard to be brought back to life he has to be baked into something after someone bleeds into the dough made from his ashes. And while he's being baked, the oven has to get struck by lightning. This entire plan centers on the fact that Sarah and her mother run a bakery and that surely Sarah will make him into a baked good capable of running around. Because why would she ever make him into something else, right?

Well, I guess there already are a few movies named after gingersnaps.
So yeah, after mixing so much blood into the dough that I think those cookies should be red, Sarah ignores that it got in there are finishes mixing it before eventually patting it out and making a single gingerbread man. Wait, what? You wasteful bitch! People are starving and you're not using all of that dough? That's intolerable! You get in there and make smaller murderous robber cookies, dammit! Then maybe we can cut down the run time of this thing if they all gang up and kill everyone. Oh, if only. She bakes the giant cookie and his Busey teeth bake in, because that's normal, eventually leading to the lightning strike awakening our gingerbread menace.

I remember when Full Moon made good looking puppets for their movies...that weren't cookies.
Alright, now I know a lot of people have gone of record to bitch about Chucky. He's small and shouldn't be that big of treat, right? Well, now imagine he's a fucking cookie. Just pour water on him and he'll fall apart. Threat over. Well, as long as Sarah doesn't use the rest of the gingerbread dough. But wait, did I skip some stuff? Oh yeah, there are other characters in this. Yeah, before we even get to the main attraction we get a lot of other stuff like the competing place across the street trying to put them out of business and the mother taking shots at said place with a shotgun. This doesn't get her arrested. Also Sarah has a very stereotypey Latina best friend.

"It says right here that I'm only in this movie to pad out the body count. Weird, huh?"
The guy who owns the competing place is named, get this, Jimmy Dean. Oh, what? Is his daughter named Lorna Dean? Hahahahahahahaha...hahah...hah...oh fuck me, it is, isn't it? Yes, let's make a joke about those cookies nobody eats.

"Fuck you! I love Lorna Doone cookies!"
Unsurprisingly, Lorna is a bitch and her father is an ass. Also Lorna is apparently dating the guy that Sarah has been in love with who also happens to be the movie's resident idiot. Well, other than Sarah, the person who took a mysterious package from the back step and made one really large cookie out of it. Let's be honest, everyone here is going to be an idiot. The smartest character is the guy who almost bled out into the cookie dough and he's still pretty stupid. So, that's the basic gist here: group of idiots trapped in a bakery with a killer Gary Busey cookie.

And one drunk bakery owner with a shotgun who I hear will soon be baking snacks for some idiots up in Oregon.
Lorna tries to screw the bakery by planting a rat there, forcing the health department to shut them down. Because the fact that they bleed into their cookie dough? That's fine. It's the rat that is unsanitary. The two girls fight, they end up hitting a switch, and that switch causes an electric surge which means we now have our answer to the lightning. Guess that means Busey will be waking up soon to run amok.

"If she starts singing and jumping because he said amok I will summon the sun to kill us right here and now."
Amos, Lorna's boyfriend who will most assuredly leave her for Sarah when he realizes her main character powers, shows up to break up the fight and Sarah takes the gingerbread man out of the oven, which is the only thing that surprises me. I figured Busey would end up opening it up on his own. He hops up and shows them all how stupid they are to be scared of a cookie, Amos seems to fluctuate between not thinking it's real and thinking they should catch it to make money off of the existence of a talking cookie, and they discover the phone line is dead.

That's not a twist! Get out of here, you!
After that tired horror trope happens, they decide to hang around there rather than leaving, because hanging out with a killer cookie seems like a good idea. I mean that too, there is literally no good reason they don't simply leave. They're not locked in, no one is being held against their will, and there is a car right outside. The only thing keeping these people here is their own stupidity. Lorna uses Amos' (stupid boyfriend) cell phone to call her dad, but it dies and so does Jimmy Dean.

That's right! The cookie killed breakfast!
I'm not entirely sure how the cookie used a rolling pin to reach the pedals in the car it used to run Jimmy Dean down, as logic would dictate that said heavy rolling pin would probably fall with nothing really holding it in place. Did he glue the thing to his foot? And wouldn't that still just end up pulling his little cookie foot off? Say what you want about Chucky, but at least he won't crumble as he tries to kill you. Anyway, Amos goes looking for his gun, drunk mom loses her finger and gets shoved in the oven, and stereotype girl gets frosted in the freezer complete with nipple cherries. Yes, nipple cherries.

I don't know if I can handle all the class and sophistication in this production.
Sarah and Amos both rescue frosting girl and Sarah finally figures out the cookie that sounds exactly like that guy that killed her dad and brother who she sent to jail and vowed revenge on her via his witch mother. Sure took her long enough. Does she really think that cookies coming to life and trying to kill you is a fairly normal thing that just happens to people? Anyway, they find her mom, try to free her and end up much worse off as Amos is knocked clean out and Sarah is now locked in the oven. Lorna? Oh, she found her dead dad, freaked out a bit, and got a splitting headache.

Oh boy, I'll sure miss her...and her cookies.
Back to the others, remember Brick, that co-worker from earlier that almost bled out into the dough? Yeah, he shows up and basically bails them all out buy fighting off the evil cookie and literally eats it. What a novel idea. But I don't know if it's really smart to eat anything that is running around like that. It's a cursed cookie, after all. And, big shock, Busey possesses his body and goes after Sarah again. But they shove him into the oven and cook him to death, so there you go. The only semi-likable character in the movie gets burned alive after eating a demonic cookie.

It just goes to show you that gingerbread is evil and should never be eaten ever.
Months later, we get our ending as the mother and daughter and Amos are having a big bake sale. A nurse says a nice old lady dropped some gingerbread cookies off and they all come to life, giving us our twist ending that doesn't even lead into the next movie because none of those cookies are the right size, nor do they have Busey teeth. Which means they're probably just regular old evil cookies and no one gives a shit about those.

Or maybe they're just Play-Doh with fucking googly eyes.
This movie was shitty. Gary Busey can be a delight to watch, but as a cookie puppet he really isn't quite his Busey-est and we really don't see that much of him anyway even as the cookie puppet. Combine that with the fact that most of the characters weren't really compelling or likable and you have a pretty bland movie overall. The best death is Lorna getting a knife in her head and the cookie didn't even really do that, as it was a trap that was rigged up. The puppet work is definitely really bad too, which is a massive shame as Full Moon used to rule the puppet scene. Now they make shit like...well, this. It truly breaks my heart.

No, you don't have to remind me there are sequels either. I am painfully aware of them.
Overall, this movie isn't worth watching, not even for laughs as it really doesn't have much to offer in that area. I'd recommend going to watch some of the older Full Moon movies instead and if you want a holiday themed movie about something small that kills people, go watch Gremlins. I'm going to go and eat my emotions now, because this movie has made me feel very sad for both Full Moon and for Gary Busey. Later days, bleeders.

Seriously, don't eat gingerbread off the floor. Especially if it bleeds.

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