Thursday, December 10, 2015

Ruin Their Holiday: 10 Terrible Gifts For Those You Claim to Love

We've all been there, the victim of an absolutely atrocious gift. Another shitty tie, discount tube socks, a book written by Stephanie Meyer...yes, we all know the pain that comes with smiling and hugging someone who just gave you something awful. I once got a Budweiser shirt that lit up...my disapproval was tangible and felt by pretty much everyone present. But we're not here to talk about your run of the mill shitty presents, oh no. We're here to talk about those gifts that are so blisteringly bad that you feel them being burned into your memory. Gifts so bad that you find yourself tempted to hold onto them just to remember that the whole thing happened and wasn't you having a mental breakdown.

I mean, the hotel full of ghosts don't help, but you know how it goes.

In the spirit of encouraging people to actually put effort forth towards getting good gifts for the people they love and tolerate, we're going to look at ten incredibly terrible things that will probably end up under someone's tree this year. Prepare yourselves, for this is going to be a simply lovely experience.

We're diving straight into the deep end here.
Custom Fifty Shades of Grey Lego Set
Price: $34.99 (+ 5.99 s/h) Source: Amazon / Demonhunter Bricks


It's not that I'm surprised that this is a thing that exists...okay, I am a little bit...but it's really more that I am surprised someone wants to take credit for it existing. Yes, Demonhunter Bricks apparently brought this into the world, who are known for making some rather cool custom stuff for all lovers of bricks and mini-figures. But really, why? Does the world really need a Lego style playset reenacting a book series that has caused many people to think abuse and BDSM are now the same thing? Maybe a father will buy this for his daughter to teach her where her place is now? I'm looking at you, Trump. You already implied you'd fuck your daughter, so nothing about that idea shocks me. While it might be well made, this was a bad idea and the fact that someone will end up buying this (probably out of love for E.L. James) bothers me even more. Keep up the custom work, Demonhunter Bricks...just maybe stick to something that isn't completely horrible on every level next time.

China's sweat shops never sleep to bring your kids the presents that will immediately fall apart.
Star Wars: Episode VII Bootlegs
Price: $99.00 (apparently) Source: Bonanza

Do you see that price for a set of these? yeah, that's a nice big "fuck you" right there, because these things are such massive pieces of shit. Sure, they look fine. Honestly, they're some of the nicest looking bootlegs you may ever find of Star Wars stuff, as they are bootlegs of the Black Series of highly posable 6 inch figures. But the thing is that China has a hard enough time bootlegging toys with five points of articulation. When you throw toys that have over 15 points of articulation at them, they begin to start convulsing under the sheer pressure. These toys are a reflection of that as they tend to fall apart amazingly easily. That'd be fine if you could pop them back together easily...but you can't. Often times these things won't go back together at all, which means you have a bunch of large Star Wars themed body parts strewn about. I guess it's the perfect thing for the Friday the 13th/Star Wars crossover diorama everyone has always dreamed of though. But as far as buying these for Star Wars fans or kids, nothing says "I don't care about you that much" like terrible versions of much better figures that are likely coated in a nice yummy layer of lead paint. Delicious.

What could turn you on more than having the teeth of a supernatural creature grinding up and down your penis?
Werewolf Muzzle Penetrable Toy
Price: $130 Source: Bad Dragon

Look, I'm not here to judge anyone for their kinks. I'm really not. I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to want to fuck however they please so long as it doesn't involve children or live animals. You want to do some foot stuff? Groovy. Like getting pegged? Make sure to lube up first, then go for broke. Got an oral fixation? Hey, me too! You like dressing up like an anthropomorphic animal and having sex while doing so? Well, hey, why not? But then I see things like this. Just....look at it. i understand, werewolves are very sexual things by nature. There have even been stories about how having sex with one can turn you into one, which is actually a common trope, it seems. I get it though, the whole primal thing can be a big turn on. Losing all control sexually and ravaging (being ravaged) makes sense to me. What doesn't make sense to me is they idea that there is a cock sleeve out there which replaces the idea of a nice soft hole with fucking flesh-rending teeth. I don't care how soft the actual toy is, that right there is a bloody frigging werewolf mouth. No part of me can honestly believe that it would be a good idea to put a penis anywhere near those teeth. You can argue that humans have teeth too, sure, but see, we also have these nice soft supple lips and sex toys based around the human mouth don't teeth to just be a bunch of fucking teeth raking up and down your shaft. Just...ouch.

Or "How to Be Single Forever"
How to Get a Japanese Girlfriend
Price: $2.99 Source: Amazon

Now we're really hitting that "you're not important enough" line, because nothing says that more than a cheap e-book about getting a girlfriend from another country. Can we please stop fetishizing people based on their racial background or country? Pretty please with fuck you on top? Look, I know this might be hard to believe for a lot of you douchebag bros out there, but women are people and they actually all tend to like different things and cannot be wooed based on any sort of general guideline found in a book. Try talking to them,learning things they like, seeing if you click at all, maybe building a friendship beyond wanting to fuck them. It couldn't hurt, as friends have been known to engage in naked slap-happy wet tickle time. None of that requires a book, it just requires effort and the ability to behave like a decent human being. There are a number of shitty books like this one though, so I really could've gone with any of them. I just went with this one because, as a guy who knows many Asian women, it is particularly offensive. On the bright side, if someone does get you something along these lines, you can save money on their gift because your friendship is officially over.

Nothing scares away mosnters under the bed faster than the mutilated corpse of a beloved childhood toy.
Beheaded Teddy Bear Lamp
Price: $160 Source: Amazon

Hey, kids! Throw away that old night light because we've got a new one that is sure to help you sleep! We ripped Teddy's head off and jammed a bulb in the neck! Enjoy! Yeah, I liked twisted things, but bloody hell, must we display the violated corpse of a teddy bear in our homes? Teddy loved you, you bastards! And if the very idea wasn't enough, that price tag is a nice extra to remind people who get this gift that you dislike them so much that you spent over a hundred fucking dollars on a headless teddy beat with a goddamned light bulb jammed in it. That's more fucked up than the shit I see in Bethesda's post-apocalyptic RPGs on the regular.

Otherwise known as "Batman: Brown People Are Terrorists"
Frank Miller's Holy Terror
Price: $17.99 (or amazingly higher) Source: Amazon / eBay / Barnes & Noble / Dumpsters

For those who don't know, Frank Miller was an amazingly talented writer who was well known for writing both Batman and Daredevil. He wrote some of those characters' most defining stories and has had several movies based off of his work. He's also fucking insane. Frank Miller left both his sanity and talent back a long time ago, now preferring to go on long political tirades that make him sound like the loudest old man out on his lawn screaming at kids. He also loves to write women as if they are all "whores", because in his mind they all are. Now, while he has written some stories involving bad-ass women who actually happened to be prostitutes, that's not what I mean. You know what I mean. David Willis knows what I mean. So, when he got a new book released back in 2011 based on a Batman story that DC Comics said no to, I wasn't really shocked by what it turned out to be. It's a thinly veiled Batman story in which people from the middle east are all painted as terrorists and xenophobia runs rampant. It is quite possibly one of the most racist and shittily written things I have ever seen in my life. Yes, even worse than the work Meyer and James. It's the sort of story that even Toby Keith would want to back away from. But hey, if you've got an especially racist old relative, go grab a copy out of the dumpster. I'm sure they'll love it.

I was threatened to include these, but I probably would have anyway.
Haribo Sugar Free Gummi Bears
Price: $15.99 Source: Amazon

Here's something that lives in infamy. Sugar free candy that gives you uncontrollable diarreheatic fits after eating only a few is the sort of thing that tends to get talked about. But, lo and behold, they still make these and sell them to people. Unsuspecting people buy these and end up experiencing anal eruptions that put Old Faithful to shame. Even worse though is the fact that there are people who will put these into the stockings of children who are not yet ready for the geyser of feces that will soon rush from their small tender assholes. If Hell were condensed into a candy, these would be that candy. I'm a total bastard too, because we all know some of you are going to go buy these to give to people now, because that's just who you are. Just remember, there is a thin line between prank and gastronomically influenced homicide.

Take out the middle man and put that coffee where it's going to go anyway.
Coffee Enema Kit
Price: $26.97 Source: Amazon

You know what I always think of when it comes to my loved ones? I wonder how clean their colon is. Actually, no, I don't think about that at all. I barely think about my own colon. I usually only think about that when I am in the midst of a very painful stomach ache-riddled bathroom visit, as I think to myself about how it feels like my colon is attempting to devour itself like some terrible internal Ouroboros. The idea of colonics and enemas are not things that often cross my mind. Usually if I've got enemas on the brain it's because I'm watching a terrible movie that involves them. But, for those people who really think drinking coffee with your ass is the way to go, there exists this wonderful home kit so they can share their healthy living habits with those closest to them. I always knew Susan's coffee tasted funny.

Nothing is more magical than the gift of poisoning a loved one with your gift.
Jac Zagoory Beta Inkless Pen
Price: $25 Source: Amazon

Ah, yes. The "nice pen" gift. It can actually be good gift if it's for someone who is a professional business type person. You know, the kind of person who might show off said expensive nice pen. This is not one of those kinds of pens. No, this pen touts that it is inkless, which is actually true. It rights without the use of any ink. How? It uses lead. Not graphite (i.e. pencil lead) but the metal. Do you know why this is a bad thing? Well, probably because lead is poisonous. There's a reason why people make a big fuss about toys from China possibly being coated in lead paint. Lead is not a healthy substance to have direct prolonged contact with. And this pen? It literally smears lead all over paper. You are coating paper with a poisonous neurotoxic metal. I guess it's the perfect gift for those stressed out college students who often wish they were dead though, as it may very well grant that wish.

It's the perfect gift for a devout Catholic. Well, this or Sister Act on Blu-Ray.
Nun Fellating a Unicorn Horn Vinyl Wall Decor
Price: $22.78 (+ 4.49 s/h) Source: Amazon

Wow. Alright, of all the things on this list, this is my favourite. I don't even know if I can conjure words for it. It simply just is. I want to talk to the artist and really get into their head, because this is beautiful. The only thing that would make this any better is if it was a gift from a Jewish cousin to his antisemitic Irish Catholic uncle who drinks too much. I don't really recommend buying it as a thoughtful gift, but a big part of me wants to own it because it's just so majestic. Fuck it, go buy this one. Buy it for everyone. This whole list is a sham! A SHAM!!

IT'S ALL A LIE! TOILET SEATS ARE BREATH MINTS & RAINBOWS TASTE LIKE STRAWBERRIES!
I'm fine, I'm fine....everything is...fine. That concludes our list of ten things you most likely should not buy loved ones for fear of judgement and possible murderous reprisal. But really, this is just the tip of the iceberg as there is a near infinite amount of strange and atrocious readily available items to purchase on the internet. You look into the depths of it at your own risk and hope you can stagger out with something resembling dignity in the end. Not me though, as I gave up my dignity a long time ago for the affection of someone who probably wouldn't have cared had I backed out. Oh well. At least I'm not begging you all to get more people to read these. Hahahahah...hah...haeeehhhhhhnnnn...

Someone told me if I included more nudity then I might get more readers, so here you go.

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