|"Don't worry, Freddy's got your fix right here!"|
|Can a box cover give less of a fuck?|
This movie still hurts me to think about. You see, as a kid I had a great love for horror films. My mother and I would make weekly trips to the video stores in our area where we'd embark on a search for the newest horror films to bring home. Among the many companies that put out horror films back then, I had a very special place in my heart for Full Moon. Charles Band's company put out some of the better budget horror titles of the 1990s and it was always a delight to check out what was cranked out next from them. When it came to Full Moon, Puppet Master was the tops. A series focused on killer puppets that upon its third entry turned them into Nazi killing antiheroes, which I ate up. Around that same time we got a film from them about toys that did the bidding of the devil in an attempt to give him a human body. It was goofy, but also had some legitimately creepy moments. Then came the moment that made me smile ear to ear: the next Puppet Master film would be a crossover film where the puppets took on the Demonic Toys! It had a cool poster, an interesting story concept, and it felt like it fit perfectly. Then it didn't happen. The company lost a lot of money, the budgets shrank immensely on their films, the cool effects they were known for were gone, and this movie was lost. Until...it got made...as a made for TV film that featured the shittiest looking replicas of both miniature forces and a story that was so tame that the film honestly wouldn't be weird to see on The Disney Channel. Oh, what could've been.
|"It's in 3D, so let's make his chainsaw look like a dick flying at your face. That'll get them in the seats."|
I wasn't going to include this one here at first because I thought I hated The Next Generation more. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that, while I do still hate that movie, it didn't bother me the way this one did. Do you know why? Because what's worse, a film that never really tries or a film that tries and fails so badly that it makes you grimace angrily every time you think about it? Yeah, I started out enjoying how stupid this was with it's shitty 3D CGI bullshit but upon reviewing it I found that I really was angry at the wasted potential on display. It could have been a movie that truly revived the series while also paying homage to what came before, but instead it wipes its ass on the series and the fans. It also doesn't know how time works. For those sins, it has earned my hatred.
|The sequel to Frozen is a lot weirder than I expected. I mean, where are the songs?|
I was one of the people who actually held out hope that a prequel to John Carpenter's The Thing was a good thing. Seeing the original group getting picked off and watching the creature learn how to initially use paranoia as a weapon are ideas that I hoped would get explored in great detail. Instead, we got a massive CGI fuckfest that ignored what worked in the original film. Why build tension or a sense of unease and paranoia when you can just show the monster revealing itself all over the place. The saddest part is that we almost got some really impressive practical effects work in this shitheap, which would've at least given everyone something fun to enjoy. But this was made in the modern world of "CGI is cheaper so it must be better" and "let's throw in shitty jumpscares". I'd say more, but this crap really deserves the full treatment if I am going to tear into it.
|Sadly, GameStop doesn't accept trade-ins on sacks of shit.|
Uwe Boll. There's the entire review. We all know him and how he has a notorious penchant for taking video games and making the absolute worst adaptations of them, laughing about it the entire time. I won't lie, in a way it's actually fun to watch his crap just so you can see how bad it really gets. But the problem always comes when he scratches his brown-eye with something you actually care about. As a kid I had a love of arcades that far outshined console or computer gaming. Back then I would tell you my favourite games were largely fighting games of varying difficulties. Arcades got a bit harder to find over time, but one game always called out to me when I found them: House of the Dead. There are few things as satisfying as blowing through a swath of zombies a you attempt to save bystanders along the way. And that voice-acting? Oh, so beautifully bad in the best way. When I heard we were getting a film of it, I had hopes that we'd get a great gory horror comedy that constantly poked fun at the goofy plot from the game. We didn't get that. What we got was a pretty bland zombie movie that was nothing at all like the game. It's pretty sad when Super Mario Bros. had a more faithful adaptation to film.
|It's the final Friday...until he meets Freddy...and gets shot into space.|
You can ask most people that know me what horror icon I love most and most will tell you that Jason Voorhees is the slasher of my heart. I didn't watch any of his films until my teen years, as my mom always hated them, but once I did I was hooked. Sure, you can say they're just movies about him killing stupid horny teenagers, but I'd argue the contrary. Some of the horny teenagers were quite smart. But yeah, jokes aside, I think there is more to the character of Jason than that. Here's a guy who is separated from his mother for years and he only sees her again...right as a girl takes her head off. Combine that with the torment he suffered as a child and it's plain to see why he snapped. What happens when you make what is touted to be the final film in the series, which fans expect to be an impressive exit for the character? We get a film where he is barely present because the plot turns him into a fucking demon fetus that possesses people. It really is hard to articulate how much I loathe this film in one paragraph, so we'll just leave here and move on.
|It's nice of them to employ a leprechaun themed wrestler to play a monster who looks nothing like a leprechaun.|
This movie is so bad, I wouldn't even wipe my ass with it because I'm too afraid it would infect me with some mind-numbing disease. I've already went over my dislike of this film in detail last year. It has stupid unlikable characters, a creature that doesn't even begin to resemble the namesake, and I got so annoyed while watching it that I needed to take headache medication afterward. They wanted to reinvent the series but I think this piece of crap more likely buried it for good. If you want a full rundown of my hate for it, go check out my review.
|"A modern horror classic" really says all there is to say about modern horror, doesn't it?|
Do you know who I hate more as a director than Uwe Boll? Eli Roth. He constantly gets touted about like he's this great gift to horror when he's a mediocre director who writes stupid characters that only seem to exist to be annoying and die in very gory ways. But that's it, isn't it? He's not here to write a good story or characters you might care about. No, he's here to bring gore to the screen. I like gore in horror movies, I really do, but I don't want to watch something that literally only exists to feature it. That's boring. And when you couple it with his inability to write compelling characters, it's boring with annoying squeezed into the middle. This film is his most well known work and it feels like it began the cycle of stupidity he perpetuates to this very day. How bad is this movie? I'll sum it up in one word: pancakes.
|You better watch it or Reboot Freddy's feelings might get hurt.|
Hey, you know what would be fun? Let's take Freddy Krueger and try to make him more shocking. But how would we accomplish this? He was already a known child murderer, so what's worse than that? Let's make him a child molester instead! Everything I absolutely hate about remakes and modern horror films is in this film in full force. And because it is modern shit horror, that means it will have a story completely devoid of any actual horror. Jump-scares and a main villain who comes of more as a needy wiener are what we get instead. Ultimately, I hate this movie not just because it shits on a franchise I love but because it highlights the mentality of trying to fix what was never fucking broken when filming a remake.
|A movie so bad, even the poster is trying to escape it.|
The Fog is one of my all-time favourite films. You know, the original film directed by John Carpenter that starred Tom Atkins and Jamie Lee Curtis. It had a creepy tone, interesting character played by talented character actors, and a presence that really came off as truly threatening when the ghosts attacked people. Hell, the ghosts could simply stand still and make you feel like you might turn your blue jeans brown. The remake of that classic horror film had none of those things. What it had were forgettable performances from TV actors and a bastardized version of the original story. It also took two characters I always loved, Nick Castle and Elizabeth Solley, and chose to destroy the interesting relationship between them because the idea of two strangers meeting and fucking somehow really bothered them. Better make them exes, right? Fuck this movie so much and fuck every CGI inch of its fog too.
|Family might be forever but failure is apparently only 101 minutes.|
Rob Zombie claims he loves horror, yet then he subjects the world to things like this. His remake of the original Halloween was one of those movies I dreaded watching, because I knew it was going to make me dislike a guy I actually liked the music of. He isn't my favourite musical artist, but I won't deny there is enjoyment to be had from his tunes, especially when reading through some old horror comics. You'd think a guy who seems to revel in horror would be all about honouring the classic film, right? Nope, it seems that guy at all. He's the guy who looks at the original film and misses the point entirely by rewriting the plot to be all about how Michael Myers is surrounded by the worst examples of humanity, which is why he went nuts and killed a bunch of people. Myers, as a character, does not need a tortured history. He's at his best when he's simply what Dr. Loomis described in the original film: purely and simply... evil. After Zombie went and fucked up the remake by making Michael a whiny brat trapped in Tyler Mane's body and Laurie Strode being portrayed as a blisteringly annoying girl who finger-fucks bagels, we got a sequel. It was somehow even worse, giving us a much more unlikable Laurie and Michael Myers hallucinating his childhood self and his mother. And a white horse, for some reason. There is so much to say about what these two movies got wrong, but I'll save that for another day.
|Horsey rides for everyone!|
|"What do you mean Tom Welling is playing me?!"|