Saturday, October 3, 2015

Man's Best Friend (1993)

Dogs, dogs, dogs. People seem to adore dogs to absolutely no end. Look at you, I bet you probably own a dog, don't you? I like dogs alright, but honestly I have always preferred cats. They're calmer and more cynical, much like myself, but are know to have amusing bursts of energy. my experience with dogs has largely been negative though. They tend to smell, chew things, bark loudly, and tend to want to lick you directly after they've licked something rather unpleasant. I don't hate dogs, by any means, but I also am not in a great to rush to own any either. I have far too many things I prefer be left unchewed.

I do have Puppycat though. He's sort of a dog....maybe.

This all means that I often feel a bit the odd man out when the conversation turns to dogs. I have had a few, but I was young and my memories of the experiences haven't really stuck very well. I do remember one dog I had killed a scorpion and he really enjoyed eating saltines. Someone stole him and his sibling though, so I didn't really get to experience that bond that many dog owners have as a child with their canine friend. I bonded with my cat, Boots, though. When he dug his claws into my mother's cat's tail and just hung from it like a monkey on a vine, I knew he was the one for me. He always seemed to be under the impression that he wasn't a cat, though. He picked food up with his paws, often sat in a very human manner, and he even watched movies with me. Boots thought he was a person. Why do I bring all of that up, other than my vast lack of knowledge regarding dogs? Well, because this movie has a dog that sorta thinks like a person. A very crazy person who murders people.

Spoiler alert: this killer dog movie is about a killer dog.
Now, immediately, I have to warn you that the art there is a big fat liar. The dog here is not a robot, android, cyborg, or reploid. It is simply a flesh and blood animal. That right there is the first major disappointment I felt going into this film, because I was totes hoping for some cyborg dog action. Why? Because that's silly and the art promised me those levels of silliness! But much like the killer cat movie, it just couldn't deliver. Our story opens with an employee at the company, EMAX, getting in contact with our main character, Lori. They're planning to blow the lid on the company's abuse of animals and basically save more animals than PETA ever seems to.

Behold, an actual photograph of PETA's facility for animals they "save". I can just hear the hate mail being typed already.
Is this employee doing this out of a love for mistreated animals? Nope! Lori is paying her $500 to sneak her into the building so she can record what is going on with the illegal genetic testing on these various animals. This makes Lance Henriksen mad, so he sics his killer dog on her and she exits the film with about as much  impact as she entered it. Okay, that's really not fair...her death is actually her best performance, so I'll give her that. Lori discusses the story she's working on with her friend/partner, who brings up the fact that they should probably get permission to cover this story, as that's kinda how it works. But no, Lori doesn't need permission! She gives herself all the permission! She's a lone wolf reporter and doesn't need anyone else....except for the lady who is sneaking her in...and her friend to hold the camera. Actually, Lori seems to be in over her head. Especially since Henriksen could at any time have her be eaten by his cuddly attack dog.

Suuuuure it is. Tell that to the lady who is slowly turning into dog poop.
As they're now without anyone to let them in, which should probably come off as suspicious, Lori decides to call off the whole thing...no, not really. What she really does is break into the EMAX facility and have her accomplice record it, because they're totally not breaking laws by breaking into there or anything. After looking at many animals, she finally gets to the most shocking sight of all: A DOG UNDER A TARP! OH MY GAAAAAAAWD! Yeah, she finds the killer dog who is actually quite nice and friendly. His named is Max...and he's a test subject at EMAX...real original with the naming over there, eh? Also, he's a Tibetan Mastiff. Do you know what that is? How can you be on the internet and not know what that is? Well, here, let me help you out.

Not a big stretch that they decided to turn this dog into a weapon, as it's already quite capable of making you shit your pants.
But Max here is a lot less scary and fluffy. Well, he's less scary now, anyway. He's a lot less friendly looking when he's attempting to eat you, but then so are most things. Anyway, she talks about how awful it is on camera, then Max saves her from being caught by a security guard. This means she can now...get caught by Henriksen instead, because he's not dangerous at all, right? It's not like he fed her informant to a killer dog or anything, right?

......................................................
But, luckily for our stupid heroine, Henriksen is just a bit angry and immediately calms down when he notices his killer dog is loose. He tries to get him to obey his commands to enter his cage, but Max has decided that he'd rather go home with Lori because she's just dumb enough not to notice when he murders people. Henriksen cases them on foot while they drive off, but then he remembers that he's not playing an android this time, so he gives up so he can talk to cops about how EMAX's business is about saving lives and totally not about creating killer dogs who eat employees. But enough about that because we have to get to what has now become a sad staple of movies I cover: the rape scene! A guy grabs Lori and taunts Max with what he clearly plans to do, but Max isn't having any, so he does what most dogs can only dream of: he opens the car door! Amazing!

That's the face of a man who now realizes his balls are going to be somewhere much less pleasant than he had planned.
Max chases the guy off and comes back with Lori's purse. I wonder what happened to the mugger/attempted rapist though? Max, did you kill again? You little scamp! And now we get to see our main attraction: the killer dog movie that thinks it's a Beethoven movie. I'm not joking, that's what this movie actually feels like. Lori, being eternally grateful that Max saved her, brings him home and he does heartwarming things...like watch her in the shower.

Which I guess is less creepy when it involves a big male dog that would probably mount you if given the chance.
But their budding romance hits a snag when Lori's boyfriend shows up to find out she's cheating on him with a dog who likely has a bigger dick than he does, which isn't that shocking as he is genetically enhanced. Perry here is just one of those truly wonderful guys too who insults birds and generally acts pissy and money. He's like a character from Seinfeld who didn't have a career afterward. He says the dog can stay, but she's got to stop the weird sexual tension, as it makes him feel inadequate. Oh, and Max has to be an outside dog because Perry needs privacy for all the sex Lori won't be having with him because Max won't stop barking. Apparently Perry didn't get the memo that he has been replaced.

Don't worry, Perry. There's a nice lady Max can introduce you to...in his stomach.
After Lori placates Max and leaves him outside again, he pulls that little opening doors trick again while some music straight out of wacky kid's film about a silly dog plays. Oh boy, I wonder where this is leading to? I bet it's antics! He heads upstairs and we get a strange close-up on his eye as he peeks through the keyhole to see Lori and Perry doing the deed. And Perry isn't even doing it doggy style! Get in there and fuck him up, Max!

Let him go, Lori! Perry's gonna die anyways, so it may as well be while he's naked!
So, yeah, Perry and Max aren't going to be friends. We get some more stuff with Henriksen telling people he's a crazy asshole who made a killer dog in a reasonably crazy manner, then we get a paperboy who made the mistake of crossing Max when he accidentally hits him with a newspaper. Oh shit, is this gonna one of those movies where we see a kid brutally murdered? Nah, he just scares the kid shitless and bend his bike wheel up before Lori calls him. Kid, it's time to look into a safer line of work, like coal mining. We get introduced to another kid though, so maybe he'll die? Who knows! Lori lets him take Max walking to go meet his dog, but she's not looking really enthused about this. Maybe she can smell the blood on him? She hasn't seen nothing yet, because Max has only just begun!

Besides, we all know he really wants to mount Lori.
We get some more stuff with Henriksen, as the detectives found out the employee he killed earlier is missing, so he plays this off by explaining to them how Max is a bunch of animals mashed together or something? Ughhh, let's get back to Max. The neighbor kid and Max are still hanging out together and he tells Max about how there's a mean lady who has a cat and....Max climbs the tree to get at the cat whom he then swallows fucking whole. What? What....? WHAT?!

I am watching a movie where this happened. This. WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?!
Well, all bets are off now, aren't they? Yep. Max also managed to somehow cut Perry's brakes, because that's just something dogs can do, right? But hey, Lori won't hold that against him, but Max grows more sexually frustrated as she still seems to not want to "assume the position" for him. I guess that's the cue for more inappropriate music set to something disturbing. He runs over to visit that attractive lady dog, who flees from him repeatedly until he corners her in a bedroom and I get what I always end up getting: rape. Yes, even in a fucking dog movie, even a killer dog movie, I end up having a rape scene thrown at my feet. It doesn't show it, sure, but we get to hear the female dog scream out in pain as Max forces himself on her. I guess he love Lori too much to do this to her? Who fucking knows, I am watching a movie containing dog rape, which means I now know why someone requested I review it in the first place.

Good thing he doesn't have acid semen to match his acid piss too, otherwise this would get even more disturbing.
 After seeing him melt part of a hydrant, we then get to see that the mugger from earlier is supper dead and I'm super shocked about it too. Who would've thought that the killer dog would kill a guy like that? Max proves how innocent and gentle he is to the audience though as he goes and murders a mailman, who he then buries badly before Perry decides to try poisoning the clearly very intelligent killer dog with meat given to him by a guy he doesn't like. Not to be outdone in who is the stupidest human male in the film, Henriksen shoots a guard with a dart gun at the news station and discovers that they have that footage of him and his illegal operation being edited in the back, because he didn't catch the reporter recording that or anything.

"This is awful...she should've used a HD camera."
Lori figures out that maybe Perry and Max aren't going to bond, so she decides to find him a new home at a place where a guy is obviously going to mistreat him. After she leaves, what should happen but the guy mistreats him and this forces Max to fight back. He ultimately kills the guy, but not without some battle damage, as he takes a blowtorch to the face. He runs to go reunite with his true love, but finds out Perry bought a new puppy, which makes him so angry that he could piss. So he does, all over Perry's face, which then melts. The finale of the film has Lori, Max, and Henriksen all back at EMAX where she can't kill her puppy love, so Henriksen shoots at her instead. but, despite her reluctance to bend over for him, Max jumps in the way and saves her while also knocking Henriksen in an electrified cage. Lori holds Max as he dies, weeping over him and wishing she could go back in time and finally give him what he always wanted: sweet sweet bestiality. The movie on the "shocking" reveal that the dog Max raped had puppies and one of them looks like him, as it zooms in on the pup, implying that it will also be a crazy super killer dog. But see, that's stupid, because they all have the genes from Max, so in actuality they would all be mentally unbalance genetically enhanced killing machines!

Really adorable genetically enhanced killing machines.
That's our movie! Was it any good? Well, that's honestly a question of whether you enjoy a goofy killer dog movie...that plays a very inappropriate song during dog rape...then plays it again during the credits, because you need to relive that. Personally, it was a fun watch and I would enjoy watching it again, especially in a group setting where people can't enjoy the wonderful dog rape and cat swallowing with me. I will say it was odd though, as the overall film does feel like it didn't know what it wanted to be as it seemed to think at some points it really was a dog movie for kids, then we'd have Max murdering someone or pissing their face off.

Nobody really mourned for ol' Pissface either, because he was an unlikable asshole.
My main gripe is that we got two bumbling dog catchers in the movie and the only payoff for them chasing Max was him scaring them with his ability to turn invisible. Yes, i skipped over that because it was a scene that lead exactly nowhere. He never uses that power again and the dog catchers don't get eaten or pissed on. Lame! But yeah, if you want to have a good laugh at a very odd killer dog movie, go check out Man's Best Friend. It's no Cujo, but it's at least better than watching those damn Air-Buddies movies that just won't go away. So, until we get a sequel where Max's puppies murder Air-Bud's puppies, I'll be here laughing at the fact that Lori didn't shed a single tear over Perry being pissed to death. Later days, bleeders.

I might also be chuckling a bit at Max's puppet head.

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