Friday, September 18, 2015

Top Ten Cereals That Need to Come Back

This time of year, we all have cereal on the brain, mostly due to how many of us love partaking in monster themed cereal goodness. But me? I actually find myself thinking about cereal more often than most people would ever admit. As a kid, I ate a lot of cereal...and I kept eating a lot of it well into my teens. I eat less cereal now that I did then, but it's not because I dislike cereal. No, it's because some of my favourite cereals just don't exist anymore. As such, I thought it'd be nice to celebrate some of those cereals that I think should get another shot. Here's hoping I don't crave cereal too badly after I finish writing this. Also, these aren't really in any kind of order. I tried ranking them, but I couldn't really decide what should go where.

He already made the donuts!

Dunkin' Donuts Cereal (1988-?)

I don't know many people who don't love donuts. There's just something about them that really just appeals the masses. Probably the fact that sweetened dough is generally always the perfect comfort food. That's why it really kinda shocks me that this cereal didn't stick around, because I recall it being pretty tasty. It also had the great old donut guy from their commercials. It was made by the now defunct company Ralston who now only exist as Purina. Yes, the dog food people. And while some of their cereals got saved in the transition...there were some that got lost in the cracks. Donuts are timeless and I think it's time for them to return to the cereal aisle.

Between children and the citizens of Colorado, this cereal is a gold mine.
Pop-Tarts Crunch (1994-1995)

We've all been there. You're up either too early or too late and you need to ingest something that take very little effort to prepare. Out comes the box of Pop-Tarts. Love them or hate them, they are a part of breakfast that I doubt will ever go away. A big part of that is the fact that they're convenient and, much like donuts, comforting. Comfort food is always popular. And just like the previous cereal, I am shocked that this cereal went the way of the dodo. I remember people loving it, with it often being taken to school in baggies to snack on. I don't know why it went away, but I think it may very well come back one day. If not, then it's a shame that Kellogg's is so opposed to making money.

Finally, some tiny brownies that don't steal babies.
Brownie Crunch (2011-?)

I don't normally go in for cereal spin-offs. Usually they're a pale imitation of the cereal they grow out of and more often than not it's always something I find kinda unappetizing. For example, I have never been a fan of Cocoa Puffs. Weird, right? I dig chocolate but I don't really like most chocolate cereals. And then this came out, Cocoa Puffs' own experiment in spin-offery. A cereal that really did taste like it was nothing but tiny little crunchy brownies. How did this ever go away? I happily bought many boxes of it, enjoying it both with and without milk. It's not even that old of a cereal, which makes it a bit of a fresher wound. I guess we just can't have good things.

I would also do dog tricks for a box of this.
Dino Pebbles (Late 80s-Early 90s)

I have an admission to make: I don't really like the Flintstones. They're alright, mind you, but I derived more enjoyment out of their spin-off shows than I did from the original. Maybe it's because I'm a child of the 80s and 90s, but that's just how it goes. On that same note, I wasn't that big on the Post Pebbles variety of cereals. They got soggy quicker that most other cereals. I did like the commercials though. Maybe if the show had been Barney torturing Fred in a Tom & Jerry-like fashion then I would've liked it more? Who knows. But there was one cereal from their line that caught my attention and it was this one. The marshmallows helped keep the cereal from getting soggy as quickly and it had Dino of there. Dino is way better than Fred. This lasted for a fairly decent amount of time, but I gotta say that shoving this delicious box of goodness into the vault was a bad move of Post's part.

Bossanova!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal (1989-1991)

The world of licensed foods was never greater than it was in the later 80s to early 90s. There was Thundercats chips, Ecto-Cooler, Marvel superheroes peddling trading cards on Crunch 'N Munch, and Combos even invented a superhero. Of course, there were many cereals in on this too, but we're going to focus on one I ate a lot of. Did I eat it just because of the license? No. Some kids might've, but I actually liked the taste of it even if another respected and admired writer didn't. I like Chex and I liked marshmallows, so it's not shocking that putting the two together resulted in something I enjoyed. This cereal even came back in a way as the Spider-Man Cereal, which had the bonus of letting you collect UPCs to send in for free comics, encouraging kids to read. I love the Turtles, but for me the cereal was the main attraction and I desperately want this combination of sweetened Chex and marshmallows back.

You can't accuse the box of lying, as they are quite freaky.
Freakies (1972–1976, reintroduced 1987)

Look at that box. Just look at it. That's everything I miss about cereal from back then. Creative boxes that easily just stand out as something you'd almost want to frame. A big part of me just wants some of these boxes so I can have them to look at. This is a cereal I don't remember too well, but I do recall enjoying it. I don't remember if the toys present in the picture there ever got put in the version I got, but they're definitely groovy. Sadly, this is another lost Ralston cereal that will likely never come back from antiquity. I guess there's just no room for aliens in the cereal aisle anymore.

Warning: may contain actual fossils. Chew carefully.
Dinersaurs (1988-1989)

Dinosaurs have always been something fascinating to us. It may shock you to know that Spielberg didn't create the dinosaur craze with his Jurassic Park film, so please contain your gasps. As a kid I remember so many dinosaur themed things out there. We had cartoons with them like Dinosaucers and The Land Before Time, awesome toys like the Dinobots and Dino Riders, and then we got dinosaur cereal. It wasn't the most complex idea, it was just fruity cereal in the shape of dinosaurs...but holy crap, it was fruity cereal in the shape of dinosaurs! And you could get Denver the Last Dinosaur stickers in it! i love Denver! The dinosaur, not the town. I've never been to the town. Sorry, Denver-ites. Yet again, another Ralston cereal. Can we just resurrect Ralston? They made amazing cereals!

So American that your stomach might turn into a bald eagle to rip out the eyes of your enemies.
G.I. Joe Action Stars (1985)

Of all the Ralston cereal on this list, this one had the shortest shelf life, but it really stuck with me. Not only did I love the taste of the cereal as kid, it had what might have been the single greatest cereal commercial ever. It showed a kid actually hanging out with Joes as he used his combat techniques to get past Cobra forces to his cereal before going to the door and fucking flying away with one of them. Wow. Watching it now still pumps me up for a bowl of this cereal that I can never eat again. Watch it yourself. The truly sad thing is that this reminds me of how far G.I. Joe has fallen, with Hasbro not seeming to care that much about the toyline that literally made them a big company. I'm a pacifist by nature and I still love G.I. Joe. Maybe I'm just dreaming, but if Hasbro was smart then they'd go back to the 1980s advertising style when the next movie is coming out. Maybe then people might actually give it more money. Of course, it might also help if the movie is actually good.

"Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease."
C-3PO's (1980s)

In this climate of Star Wars fever, which has been an on and off phenomenon since the first movie came out, how did this cereal not come back? Seriously, fire somebody in marketing, because this cereal would sell like crazy if it got brought back. Star Wars stuff is always going to make bank, even after Lucas crapped out some rather disappointing films. Not making this cereal again isn't just a bad idea, it's downright stupid. It's like the company is saying "we don't like money" and I invite everyone to tell Kellogg's that I said that too. We've got at least three new Star Wars movies on the way, a popular new show, comics that are pretty good, and toys that are always selling well no matter how many joints Hasbro steals away. Really, Hasbro, cut that shit out. Bring back C-3PO'S. There has never been a more opportune time.

I don't recommend putting it in your freezer.
Ice Cream Cones Cereal (1987, reintroduced in 2003)

I know I said I wasn't ranking these, but if I was this one would still be here where the number one spot usually is. I adored this cereal. I don't really know how to explain it properly, but this cereal was everything I wanted out of a tasty cereal. it had a unique theme, a taste that no other cereal had, and it tasted so fucking good. When it was revived in 2003, I was beyond ecstatic. I ate a ton of it. I'm not joking there, I am fairly certain I ingested at least one ton of this cereal. How did this go away? Why? It boggles my mind! We can have cereals that are almost exactly the same as other cereals, but we can't have this wonderful taste explosion? It's simply not fair. We live in a terribly unjust world, I tell you. Maybe they're bring it back again one day...I just hope I still have teeth to chew it by then.

BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH.
Thus ends our journey down the cereal aisle of the past. You may call me a dreamer or accuse me of only picking my favourite but...that's absolutely true. That's exactly what this is. It doesn't mean these cereals weren't great though and I stand by my declaration that they all deserve a comeback. Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy got their chance, so why not these guys? In the meantime, I'm going to go eat some cereal and keep on dreaming. Later days, bleeders!

And General Mills? Don't be afraid to bring these guys back again.

No comments:

Post a Comment