Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Horrorfest Primer: Horror Swag

Can you feel it, bleeders? It's that season...Halloween is coming. Michael Myers is out there staring at you from a distance. Sam is growing in nicely as he preps to don his burlap mask and go observe the festivities. Stores are finally stocking wonderful orange, black, purple, and green things for us to eat and wear. Yes, the spoopy times are upon us, but to be honest, they're always here for me. I live every single day like it's the season. I pant tiny monsters, fight off creepy mosnters in the wasteland in one of my favourite games, and I regularly settle in for one of Tom Atkins classic films.

He's so dreamy. Tom, give me a call. Thrill me.

But, even when I live life like it's one glourious orange and neon green adventure, I still get really psyched when this season approaches. Halloween is my Christmas. So, it goes without saying that I am a bit excited and tend to spend this period prepping for the big explosion of wonder that is October. As such, I have procured some items for my collection and have decided to take this time to talk about three in particular that truly deserve some attention. To kick things off, let's talk candles. What? Yeah, I meant that. I'm not allowed to dig candles? Are you the candle police? Get off my back! Actually, it feels like there actually is something on my back...

"Give me the Oreos or I slit your throat, you infernal keyboard jockey."
Ahem...so...candles. I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about them usually, but I will admit to enjoying them. They're relaxing to look at as they burn and a good smelling one is always a delight. That brings us to a very particular candle I managed to snag from the folks over at Horror Decor. A candle with a scent that brings me back to very happy moments of my childhood, before I started doing horrible self-destructive things...like watching bad porn movies and talking about them on the internet. I am talking about the Ecto Cooler candle.

The urge to try drinking this candle is quite overpowering.
Growing up, Ecto Cooler was a staple of my dietary life. I drank a ton of the stuff and it wasn't just because Slimer was on the box. It actually tasted quite good. It also smelled amazing. It was one of those smells I've never been able to quite find elsewhere, despite my searching for it. Some things tasted similar but nothing ever quite smelled the same. When I learned from John Squires that these were a thing that were happening, I knew I had to have one. No cost was too great. Thus, I entered my card number in and bought myself a beautifully green candle that looked as it it were made from Slimer's own ectoplasmic leavings. Upon receiving it in the mail, my first thought was to smell it. I had to know.

Reveal your secrets to me, oh citrusy one!
I found a smell with in that candle that may be the closest I will ever have to hopping into a time machine and buying some fresh Ecto Cooler. i won't say it matches my memory exactly, but it is so damn close that I am hard pressed to say it doesn't make me thirsty for some slime-coloured fruit drink. It's a hard smell to describe, because while I can tell you it smells of citrusy things, it's far more than that. It's a smell of my youth. My childhood calling back to me from a glass jar, beckoning me to come play in the yard or to build a fort for my action figures out of VHS tapes. This scent has a calming effect on me that few other things have been able to manage and I do not regret buying it one iota. I won't be burning it though, because these things are a bit on the limited side. If you want one, you better get on it now. There's no guarantee it will come back again.

Just like the real deal. Here and then it's gone.
Next up is something that is a bit closer to the whole "Play with Me" subject. Recently, Amok Time gave many horror fans what we've always wanted but many of us could never manage to get: our very own tiny toothy monster to devour our enemies. Yes, they made the first licensed Critters toy, allowing many fans of the Crites to bring one home to hang out and lust after food with. I named mine Tesla and he's actually less into meat and more into pastries. He's also promised to help protect me from Ghaleon and his attempts to knife me.

He's such a cute little guy. And he's surprisingly cuddly for being made of vinyl.
If you've been with me for a while, you already know I'm a fan of the Critters films. Even when I was a kid and the large cardboard standee leered at me from across the video store, terrifying me, I was still a fan. I watched the first two films so much as a kid that I was known to make jokes pertaining to them...that none of my friends got, because their parents didn't let let them watch horror movies really. But it still made me happy and now, as an adult, I wish I could get one of those cardboard standees to leer at me. Sadly, those are expensive and somewhat rare. Luckily, Tesla's box has me covered a bit as it has the art from the same standee on it. Now It can leer at me from across the room...with its very tiny eyes.

I'm too happy to feel menaced by his adorable little visage.
Tesla himself is a well done sculpt, with rather nice paint applications and he doesn't have sharp claws. This is good, because I can imagine I would injure myself if his claws matched the artwork on the box. He has actual hair (or at least, hair-like material) and it really just makes you want to give him a pet and hug. I like having him perch on my shoulder while we strike a pose together.

Just a couple of studs being studly. You know how it is.
But Tesla isn't the only new friend to join my menagerie, as I recently invested money into a lady who is already breaking hearts among the many small voices living on my shelf...when she isn't ripping hearts out or slicing people up with her machete. Sure, she's pretty, but she's also kinda picky with who she lets get close to her. Mostly she likes to hang out with Gunwitch and Pyramid Head, but she's also bonded with Harley. Mostly Harley just talks and she listens. Who is this little lady? Well, she's a Voorhees. Specifically, she's Jason Voorhees with a sex change and a really good stylist.

The quiet ones are always the ones who are likely to leave you in pieces...sometimes literally.
You all know I'm a Jason fan and, while I haven't covered any of the films yet (wait, it's coming) I am drawn like a moth to a flame when I see that hockey mask and machete. Especially if it's blueberry flavoured. Some might say that this little figure of Jason as a woman is in bad taste and even a bit sexist, but see I think that's dumb. First of all, she's clothed. There's not a hint of camel-toe of nipples anywhere on this figure. Sure, she's got cleavage, but so what? A woman can be attractive and still be strong. Hell, this figure could be wearing baggy clothing and I still would've bought it, because I love Jason and I just really like the aesthetic. It's only sexual if you make it sexual, or at least that's how I feel about it. What do I know though, I'm not attracted to women I don't have preexisting relationships with. It makes dating difficult. But this lady here is fairly easy to handle, with magnets on her feet to secure her to her base.

Apologies, I know this isn't the best quality. At least it's still better than some of the crap I watch though.
For me, the idea of having a strong feminine version of Jason Voorhees on my shelf is pretty great. She's well made, has removable weapons, and the paint is not shiny of tacky in anyway. It's a very well made piece and I am happy to have her join the ranks. Harley needed a buddy and since I haven't gotten an Ivy yet, I think this is a good compromise. Everyone should have their very own giant hockey mask wearing friend who will cut down people who bother you.

Best friends know where all the bodies are buried.
if you don't find the idea of a female version of an iconic slasher off-putting and dig her overall design, feel free to pick one up. She's a solid figure and looks great on the shelf next to similar figures. They made a Freddy one too that my friend Lauren wants, and I think the series of figures are all rather well done. My only complaint is that I'd actually like to see the artist make a guy in the same style, just to see if it was as nice as all the female figures. I vote for Nightwing, as everyone knows Dick's got the nicest ass in comics. It's a certifiable fact.

A quick Google search even confirms I'm not the only one who thinks so.
I know this isn't me complaining about a crappy movie, but I wanted to talk about these things really badly and I hope you enjoyed my doing so. Halloween is so close and I am happy that I'm already packing some truly jawesome things to help my ring in my favourite holiday. I plan to go all out with decorating this year. I hope you're all as eager as I am to get your spook on. And hey, I'll be back here tomorrow to talk about a movie, so no worries. You won't have to wait that long. Until then, string those cobwebs and pop in something scary to watch with a friend. Later days, bleeders!

AWWWWWWW YEAH!

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