Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Batgirl XXX: An Extreme Comixxx Parody (2012)

Around here we love Batman. He's a very interesting character who has reached such an iconic status that some people even incorporate him into the titles of their websites. But, with today's news about them wanting to put more of Batman and less of Superman in the big crossover film, I found myself asking an important question: do we really need more Batman? Honestly, now that I've had time to mull it over, I really think we need less Batman. He's kind of over-saturated and that can really lead to people despising something. Wolverine got a lot of backlash for being everywhere, which I really think might be why he was killed off. Yeah, non-comic readers, Wolverine is dead. Dead dead.

It's time to go cry into a picture of Hugh Jackman and question your decisions in life.

Sorry if I spoiled that for you, but this is kinda the place where I routinely spoil things, so you should know better. Anyway, there really should be less Batman. But that doesn't mean we can't have more other Bat people! Ol' Bruce Wayne has a whole flock of people around him that can easily carry films. Sadly, Hollywood doesn't care...but the porn industry does. Yes, once more, the people in charge of the fuck factories have stepped up to deliver where the big studios don't by giving us a female lead superhero film. Sure, it's going to involve Batgirl getting stuffed from all ends, but them's the breaks.

At least her costume doesn't have nipples molded onto it. Or boob socks. Yes, those are things.
For those who do not know, Batgirl is the daughter of Commissioner Gordon, Barbara. She created her identity as a crimefighter on her own, choosing to fight crime alongside Batman and Robin. She and Dick Grayson (the first Robin) have had a thing going on for what feels like forever and she was paralyzed by the Joker when he went to make an attempt on her father's life in the classic story The Killing Joke. She adopted the persona of Oracle and continued fighting crime via her computer set-up, aiding many heroes while also overcoming what many consider a major handicap. At least, until the New 52 happened and they magicked her back into walking again.

Really though, go read her book. It's amazing. One of the shining rays of light among the New 52.
But we're not really getting into most of that, as this Batgirl is pretty much sticking to the basics: she's Barbara Gordon and she works with the Dynamic Duo. Plus copious amounts of sex. Can you imagine the laundering her suit is going to need after all that semen gets on it? Eugh. It probably sucks to wash it out of your hair too. I really feel for her. But, enough beating around the bush...I could've worded that better...let's get to the movie.

Looking at BAT ASS. Yeah, that pun was awful. You get what you pay for.
The movie opens with some strange music-box-like music and we see Harley Quinn in jail getting her lunch delivered. I'm not an expert on...wait, yes I am, I read comics all the time! Why is she wearing her costume? No one in law enforcement leaves the criminals in their outfits like that, even if they are crazy. And why isn't she in Arkham? Wait, is this supposed to be Arkham? I'm so confused! Eh, fuck it, it's a porn so I should expect some things like this. And to answer my own question, the reason she's likely wearing her question is probably two-fold. First, her actress was not a blonde at the time and they didn't care enough to put a wig on her so she could be sans cowl. Second, they probably didn't know if people would realize who it was without the costume. Trust me, we would've. She opens her sandwich and finds a Joker card in there, prompting her to start laughing maniacally.

Now, me? I would've been pissed. I ordered a cheeseburger, dammit!
Obviously this is meant to imply she's gonna get busted out by the Joker and the screen goes black, fading into our title sequence, which has a little surprise in the cast listing. The Joker is a woman. That's kinda cool and I am going to tell you why. You see, the character is listed as Bianca Steeplechase/The Joker. Bianca Steeplechase actually is the Joker...in an alternate reality story. A pretty great one too called Thrillkiller. You should all look it up sometime, as it actually focuses on Batgirl and Robin rather than Batman. It also has amazing artwork by one Mr. Dan Brereton, who I fully intend to talk about at a later date. So, seeing the female Joker here is a neat little twist and I actually applaud the people behind this for even knowing who she is.

Although her porn counterpart won't be showing off quite as much skin, oddly enough.
Then we leave that bit of good...and immediately go to Barbara Gordon whining to her loser boyfriend who wears shoes in bed. SHOES IN BED. Fuck that and fuck this scene, as it goes absolutely nowhere. There's no real point to it, especially when it doesn't even lead to a sex scene. The next day she's taken in to GCPD because she got caught trying to pick fights with criminals while wearing a costume that looks worse than the costume the teenager hero in Kick-Ass put together. He scolds her on being irresponsible, she whines about him not letting her train to be a cop, and then she leaves so a secretary can come in and suck his dick. Let me illustrate some thing to you all. This guy playing Gordon? He bears a significant resemblance to J.K. Simmons, an actor who I respect and admire. As much as I do love his work, I never wanted to imagine what it looked like to see J.K. Simmons getting a blowjob, but here we are.

Fisher has grown up quite a bit.
From watching her dad blow a load, we then go back to our lead who is...sewing while dramatic almost 80s sounding music plays? Is this a Rocky porn now? What the hell? It'd make some bit of sense if she was sewing together Batgirl outfit but what she's sewing is white. She pricks her finger, sees the Batman symbol outside, end of scene. It sure is nice of this movie to have scenes that lead nowhere. From there we go to...a rape fantasy? Seriously, what is happening? She's wandering an abandoned place in a hoodie, she gets gagged, bound, blindfolded, and has water poured on her face. Then it fades to black again. This movie seems to have something against scenes that go anywhere. Hell, the only scene that went anywhere so far was her dad getting his dick wet! I'm sorry though, I'm ranting through the film. Where were we?

Oh yeah, the aftermath of the possible rape. Greeeeeaaat.
We see her laying on the ground, crying, while shadows of what I'm sure are supposed to be bats flash over her. Only they look less like bats and more like moths. Maybe she was raped by Killer Moth? Look, I'm just trying to make sense of what happened, because the movie is doing a bad job of explaining itself! Then it fades to black again!! THAT'S NOT GOOD EDITING! It can be done, yes, but don't do it at the close of every single fucking scene, especially when your scenes are so short and feel like they aren't accomplishing anything. but then we fade back in to her dressed as Batgirl...so I guess Batman raped her? Seriously, if he was going to bring her into the club, how did waterboarding her accomplish anything? Just...fuck...grtahgfshgdahhgfjh!!!

I don't much care for how little sense this makes.
She wakes up in the Batcave on a pedestal that looks like it was shaped for her, wearing the Batgirl outfit...well, except for the ridiculous glitter high heels. I know superhero films can put heroines in ridiculous footwear, but even fora porn this is pushing it. I don't care that the scene isn't calling for her to fight or run across any rooftops, it's still stupid. So, the Batrapist tells her to feel herself (yes, that's an actual line in this movie) and then she shows how happy she is to be Batgirl by immediately taking off the suit to suck and fuck them both. I guess they were both still ready to go after molesting her after fucking kidnapping her. It's about what you'd expect out of a sex scene, but I gotta say...Batman XXX did it better. And I don't recall Lexi Belle's Batgirl mentioning Bat Pussy with her sex dialogue.

Because I really need to be reminded of that movie while listening to tedious dialogue and wet moaning.
After a sex scene that feels like it's longer than the entire running time of Strokémon, we get to see the highlight of this entire film: Ron Jeremy as the Penguin. Holy shit, this made all of that worth it. Ron Jeremy as the Penguin is just great. He looks the part and he hams it up poerfectly, tossing out plenty of penguiny sounds. After he gets shown off, we see a whole slew of Batman villains who most likely will not get used at all in the majority of this film. It's a shame, as their costumes looks good. I'm still not crazy about shiny vinyl suited Harley Quinn, but I'd imagine it's easier to hose off than spandex. A news crew wanders in and taunts the violent criminals, which couldn't possibly lead to anything bad happening.

"I'm going to skullfuck that cameraman to death."
The brilliant reporter who has walked into the lions' den is Vicki Vale, a somewhat important figure in the history of Batman, but I don't recall her being this idiotic. I mean, in the way she's acted. She was always putting herself in harm's way, which is just something reporters do in comics. Anyway, Harley tells them they're all going to die, they go live, and the Joker shows up to blow up shit and get some of her buddies loose.

But not before she references the Dark Knight, a movie I'd much rather be watching right now.
I also find it amusing that the other criminals all kind of awkwardly exit their cells and stand around behind her. Penguin looks like he's not sure what's going on. From there we flash to Robin saying "Holy shit, Batman!", because this movie can't decide which Batman it is parodying so it keeps sticking shit in from everywhere. And guess what? That scene of Batman and Robin? Completely pointless! We then go straight to the Joker's hideout where the villains are gathered to discuss who the Joker is, as it seems she's meant to be new around. Weird, because Ivy and Harley seemed to know each other and Harley only became who she is because of the Joker...but look at me, trying to make sense of a porn. The Joker walks in, acts a bit perturbed about them talking about her behind her back, then punches Scarecrow so hard that he doesn't show up again.

If he looks sad it's probably because he was hoping do a bit of steeple chasing. Too bad, bro.
Having exerted her dominance over the others, she tells them they're all combining forces to take down Batman. Then she has Harley sucks the Penguin's dick. Well, as she puts it, she wants her to "make the Penguin fly", which I guess somehow translates into fellatio. I sure wish I was flying right now. I mean literally, preferably away from this movie, because I just know that Ron Jeremy is probably going to leave after blowing his load and I he's been the one truly bright moment here.

If this movie was Penguin XXX, I'd be much happier, because then we'd see more of his amazingly awkward stares.
From there we go to Gordon and Batman meeting where they discuss the obvious problem, with Gotham's criminals loose and (to a much lesser degree) Vicki Vale being kidnapped. Hey, Gordon, Batman kinda kidnapped your daughter earlier and waterboarded her for no discernible reason. Perhaps he's not really the hero this city needs this time. But hey, isn't this a Batgirl movie? Why, yes, it is! So she pops up there too and I half expect her to blow her dad, because this movie seems to be a pretty big fan of the blowjob and nothing making any sense. She shakes his hand and he doesn't recognize her as his daughter, even though she does nothing at all to disguise her voice, and Gordon then tells them about Farmers Insurance.

"I told you, Gordon, I only use State Farm."
Batman and Batgirl pull the patented disappearing act, which I imagine is more difficult as it's her first time doing it, and we get to see the Scarecrow again! Hey, he's not out of the film! He uses his formula on Vicki Vale and...the Riddler fucks her. Scarecrow goes without once again. Poor guy. What's a slightly insane doctor obsessed with fear gotta do to get his dick wet around here? One more long sex scene later, we see our heroes trying to figure out where the Joker and her gang are. Batman has it pegged down to two locations and he sends Robin to location one while he goes to location two. Batgirl though? She gets sent to the GCPD to get back-up. Oh lord, please tell me she's not going to fuck him. I can't handle more incest. If she fucks her dad, I'm giving up all hope for humanity and dedicating my life to making our species sterile.

Oh, thank fuck! It's just a lesbian sex scene.
Alright, so here's my issue with this scene: why isn't Harley involved? Bear with me here, there's a good reason I ask this. You see, it's been teased at for quite a long time that Ivy and Harley are both bisexual and that they have partaken in some moist activities with one another. They're both very physical people who are close and are known to be rather sexual, so it's not a big leap. So, here, in a porn film featuring both of them...why was there no scene involving them getting acquainted with each other's naughty bits? There have been so many Catwoman sex scenes in porn movies, but she needed to be shoe-horned into this one? Lame. And so is her damn braid. She has short hair i nthe books! Even the Arkham games got that right. Why can't anyone in film make a decent short-haired Catwoman?

I SAID DECENT! DECENT!!!
But yeah, Batgirl goes muff-diving and dildos about to save her dad, who is presumably in the same room while tie-up with a bag over his head. Yeah, while there's no incest here, this still feels terribly wrong. Best case scenario, he's getting a boner while listening to his daughter getting off. Back to Batman and the actual plot, he scrolls through some screens and then the picture fades to black as we see what I guess is supposed to be an old interrogation video of Gordon and the Joker? Wait, no...it's happening right now? What is going on! Is she a prisoner or is he? I don't know, batman bursts in and beats her up so she'll tell him where a bomb is, further leaving me confused as to whether this is now or in the past. If this is happening now, how did the Joker get caught? And how did Gordon get there when just one scene ago he was listening to her daughter having a dildo rammed into her? It just...grrrrhhh....rfhgfhg...gggghuhhu...

I fear that my "upset" is showing.
From there, Robin shows up at Vicki's location where he tries to wake her and the Joker promptly beats him to death. Yeah, that's right, they just killed Robin off in this movie. With a baseball bat. They also didn't explain how the Joker got there, as I am still left believing that she was in the GCPD interrogation room, which still doesn't make any sense, but it's all I've got. Joker escaped custody, according to Gordon, but it seems it was after Robin was killed? So, was Robin's death before the interrogation? And Joker poisoned the water supply? When did that happen? Was it during the lesbian threesome? And Gordon knows Batgirl is Barbara now? So he knows he popped a boner to the moans of his daughter earlier? This movie is going to make my head explode! It has almost as many continuity gaps as the rebooted DC Comic initiative from 2011. I suppose that makes sense though, as this was being filmed at around the same time, so perhaps the creators were inspired by that shit.

I wonder if that means something stupid will happen, like her cutting off her own face to wear as a mask?
After that, we're off to another part of the city as a guy gets home to find his wife masturbating like a zombie and looking like she would've been a better actress to play Harley Quinn. She climbs over the couch, while wearing fucking heels, and climbs onto him demanding that she "wants his cum". What does this have to do with anything, other than it being another sex scene? Well, I guess the poison the Joker dumped in the water wasn't the deadly kind but the kind that turns people into horny fuck-zombies. But who is this guy? And why show him fucking his wife? Who cares, we've got to go see Batman tell us what is already known. Then he tells the Batgirl that all the rapey stuff from earlier was training...? Oh, pardon me, I guess I was wrong. Remember, ladies, if a guy kidnaps you and tortures you, it's just because he wants you to fight crime with him. Anywho, the Joker pops back up on the screen to taunt Batman and say she lied about the address she gave Batman. Then she blows up some...towers...who could be considered twins...oh fuck my life, this can't be happening...

Lucky me, I chose to review this movie two days before a certain anniversary. Wonderful.
She laughs, the credits roll, and I contemplate beating my head into my desk. Blissfully, it is over, but this movie is one I feel may stick with me for a while. It's not the worst parody out there, as it does clearly have some good costumes and has a general understanding of the characters. The problem comes with the story and how confusing it gets, with scenes that either go nowhere or leave you questioning when they're actually supposed to be happening. But that's also due to bad editing and, I'm sorry, but even porn movies can have decent editing. Fucking Strokémon had solid editing, but this one seems like it has a worse editor than I do.

"You see, it's funny because I edit my own stuff. And it shows. It really shows."
Bad editing aside, it also had this problem of having more characters than it knew what to do with. The Joker, who was a woman, didn't even get a single sex scene. Hell, I figured the reason they went with Bianca Steeplechase was so they could have Batman fianlly fuck the Joker into submission, which is something the Joker has probably wanted for a pretty long time. But nope, wasted opportunity. Also there is the other glaring problem with Batman behaving like a creepy asshole, what with the kidnapping and waterboarding, and then there's the most confusing thing: if it's a Batgirl movie, why did it focus more on Batman and his villains? Seriously, Batgirl has her own enemies who are pretty interesting. They could've done so much with them. Hell, this could've been a good set-up for the Birds of Prey porn by having her get shot and paralyzed in the final act by the Joker. It could've been a much better porn parody. As it stands, it wasn't a great adaptation and it really wasn't funny, so I couldn't enjoy on either level. The only good thing really was Ron Jeremy as the Penguin. So, until we finally get Ron Jeremy's Penguin spin-off film, I'll be here hoping that I get to talk about something better next time. I probably won't be though. Later days, bleeders.


The world needs more awkward staring Penguin.

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