Thursday, August 13, 2015

Cameron's Corner: Fant4stic (2015)

Hello and welcome to a new feature here on BGAN. Those of you who both to watch our videos over on YouTube may be familiar with Cameron, who has long been my partner in crime. He expressed a desire to drop his hat into the reviewing arena and, as he's done a lot for me, I couldn't say no. He's a part of this whole mess, so he deserves to talk about crappy movies  too. Until he gets his own account set-up on here, I'm posting this first review on his behalf and just generally being his hype man. So, without further ado, take it away, Cameron!

And please, keep your fingers away from the writer at all times. He bites.

Ugh... I really don't want to do this guys... this movie is such shit that one review alone is not enough. So, I, Cameron, am writing another review on this crap. (Put a link to yours here dude)
The movie is, another, of Fantastic Four's origin. As told by someone with whom good storytelling is a vague and mysterious thing, Josh Trank.

Sometimes the truth hurts, Joshy.
Now, I will say that I enjoyed Chronicle. It was a bit cliched, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. This... thing however, is cliched to the point of being tragic. I feel bad for Trank; it's almost as if he's gonna become another Shyamalan, starting out relatively strong, then blowing out like a virgin at an orgy.

Unlike with how most virgins are though, he didn't improve over time.
This mostly starts with a bit of a prequel, set in 2007. Two thousand fucking seven! Ben and Reed are in fifth grade. Since fucking when did I become older than Reed Richards? His gray hair wasn't a fashion sense people, it was the fact he was older than Brian and had a stressful job! These actors, who aren't terrible mind, are just too fucking young to be Dr. Richards and Co. That being said, lets just move on to the others. Micheal B. Jordan is Johnny Storm. What. The. SHIT!? I don't have a big problem with changing characters race, but for God's sake, it has to make logical sense! Johnny and Sue are siblings, but now she is apparently adopted. And the dad is, I suppose Dr. Storm. Apparently, he and Sue have been working on interdimensional travel. And here I was thinking they got their powers from space stuff, I was wrong, it seems.

Which just makes the spacesuits even more confusing, especially when they don't have them on later when they're in the same place.
Anyway, Reed and Ben invented a device that sends stuff and can bring it back. Dr. Storm can't, apparently. Proving once again that two teenagers in a garage can do more than a whole lab of scientists with millions of dollars in funding. (Another picture here, maybe of a fancy lab captioned "Foiled once again!" or something) Dr. Storm offers Reed a scholarship, because Ben isn't worth the money, even though he has a clear understanding of collage level engineering. Class-ism at its finest. Viktor Doom, who is also like fucking 19, and is never once called doctor, has been working on this interdimensional since he was 8.

Maybe he got a doctorate in being the most adorable kid?
He's kind of an asshole, but his becoming the villain doesn't mesh with how they made him in this schlock, as he's an environmentalist. For some reason that isn't even spoken of. Lastly, Johnny is a risk taker, as seen in his totally not a stereotype intro scene where he is, honestly, street racing. Dr. Storm is portrayed as a bad dad and I can find no other reason for him to be other than he's a black guy. Is that a law? Black dads have to be shit at actually fathering? Whatever...

He's a scientist, but something must be off! He's black! Better make him a shitty dad, right?
He forces Johnny to work with the others to pay for fucking up his car. They make a big version of Reed's machine and send a CG monkey there and back. The military decides they want it, so Reed, Viktor, and Johnny do some underage drinking, call Ben for no reason really, and they all got to the other dimension. Just because they can. Because clearly sending a robot to test the place first is out of the question.

We don't need your kind around here!!
They go, Viktor falls in green science goo, Johnny gets caught on fire, Ben gets pelted with rocks and Reed is trying to get them back. Sue helps them from Earth, because apparently video and audio feeds can travel across dimensions, they explode back to Earth and somehow Sue turns invisible. They get taken to Area 57, six whole areas better than 51, and are examined. Reed escapes, telling Ben he'll be back when he figured out how to fix him. Ben agrees to become a, no kidding, super solider for the military, eg. typical military shit in movies.

You mean that isn't an original idea?! How shocking!
Its a year later and fucking nothing happens. This middle part is so ungodly boring, I nearly fell asleep. Talk, talk, science babble, science babble. Oh shit, Reed is in South America, who could've guessed?! Ben goes and gets him, saying how dare you leave me. Their conflict goes nowhere, by the way. Its all of one paragraph how Ben feels shorted by this.

"REED, YOU ASS...nah, it's fine. I'm cool."
They decide to go back, for some weak reason that we can mine the other world for minerals. They send actual scientists this time and they find Viktor still alive, but with his protective suit fused with him. Huh, and here I was thinking that Doom was fused with metal, but its apparently really shiny cloth and polyester.

"The other villains teased me...they called me Hubcap..."
Viktor, who I refuse to call Doom, because the movie sure as hell didn't, breaks up the lab, blowing people's heads up like Tetsuo. Allow me to repeat that, VIKTOR VON DOOM IS POPPING HEADS LIKE ZITS!!! What the ever loving hell is this? Elfen Lied?

The resemblance is uncanny.
Viktor returns to the other world and starts ripping off the Avengers ending by sucking Earth into the wormhole. Then, finally, we get some superheroing! Yeah, kick his ass!! Wait... that's it? The climax of this movie's lasted shorter than my own climax when I lost my virginity!! And that's it? Fuck me... this movie ended like my first time too. Shaky, too fast, and making me want to drink.

"You never called..."
In summation, DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE!! I'm glad my dad got me in to see this for free, because otherwise I'd have demanded my money back. Do not watch this shit. Ever. Unless you're some kind of masochist, in which case start calling this movie Mistress, because a harsher one I've never seen. Watch the 1994 one guys, at least that one is laughably bad... Later days guys!

You heard the man. He didn't stutter.

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