Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus (2010)

Here we are, back at the well to choke down another offering from The Asylum. It's of note too that this is my first time covering a giant crocodile in a film. Sure, I've done sharks and alligators, but now we're getting into the real meat of toothy giant mosnters. Either that or I'm just trying to make it sound like a bigger deal than it actually. So, yeah, Mega Shark versus Crocosaurus. I don't really know what you expect me to say here.

It is what it is.

Sorry if I seem less enthusiastic about this one than I did the last. I'm nursing a migraine and this movie is missing a key factor that helped me enjoy the previous film: Debbie Gibson. I'm not even what you would call a Debbie Gibson fan, but she really was entertaining as our heroine in the other movie. But, maybe I'm just being a pessimistic asshole? Let's give this movie a solid shot! I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

They cast Sonic the Bloody Hedgehog in the lead.
Fuck it, let's just get this over with! The movie begins with a fat white guy forcing some Africans to mine for him, then Crocosaurus wakes up and eats him. Why was there a giant crocodile in the mine? I don't know and the movie never explains why either, so try not to think about it to the point where you get stressed and bang your head into a wall. I may or may not be speaking from experience. Out on the ocean we see a battleship and we get to meet our hero...Jaleel White. I have nothing against him, I really don't. I honestly enjoyed Family Matters and never even found his character on there all that annoying. But is this really the movie he should be in? Is it? He'd be a better fit in a sex comedy than he is in here. Do you know why? Well, for starters, he's in the Navy.

I'm just not buying that he can sail the seven seas or put my mind at ease.
He's a shark expert and is experimenting with technology to repel sharks, which would invariably save many lives. His girlfriend (who is clearly going to die in like five minutes, tops) tells him the captain wants him to come check out some readings. He tells the captain it's probably the Megalodon, but the captain ignores him and he stomps off. Guess what happens next? Go ahead. Yeah, the Megalodon shows up, attacks the ship, kills his girlfriend, and the entire crew dies except for our lead who had the foresight to go put on diving gear before the ship got dragged down. Right away, I have to say the shark effects are somewhat better, but also not. It's hard to explain. I can tell they're better, but they feel...less charming. Honestly, that could apply to everything. There's no charm to anything.

Enter hero number two: the drunk Australian hunter stereotype.
Yep, that's his character. He's a hunter. He's Australian. He drinks. He's a complete asshole. Can't we bring back Lamas? At least he was a dopey asshole! But, nope, we've got this guy and he gets hired by expendable blonde lady on behalf of the company that owns the mine from the opening and she wants him to go find whatever spooked the miners. They go there, he points out that she's standing in a giant footprint, she stupidly walks near the water, and slips into the mud. But, rather than simply just getting out of it, she noticed the crocodiles and then starts backing further into the water...where they are. Then she dies, because she's standing on the Crocosaurus and it eats her like a dog eats a Snausage on its nose.

It's the sort of death scene that should be entertaining but somehow isn't.
It then also swallows the Aussie, but he tranquilizes it from inside and totally isn't covered in dead blonde woman bits because they didn't care enough to give us anything approaching entertainment, not even with gore. Anyway, bitchy military lady comes and gets Jaleel, who is attempting to seem broody in aftermath of his girlfriend dying. They go to meet Admiral Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager, and he goes on about a cigar because I guess it's meant to be a joke? Aussie gets in touch with his buddy who has a ship so he can carry the now unconscious Crocosaurus across the ocean with some eggs it laid, because none of them have watched The Lost World: Jurassic Park, so they don't remember what happens when you do stupid things like that.

This guy right here sure remembers.
Mega Shark show up though, because we've got two monsters in this movie and they're supposed to fight at some point, so we may as well have some reason for that. What's that reason? Apparently it's attracted to the Crocosaurus eggs and wants to eat them all. Personally, I think Mega Shark is just racist against dinosaurs or things with "saur" in the name.

But he's not a Nazi because that's a different movie with a more interesting premise.
In the aftermath of that, Bitchy McMilitary grabs up Aussie and adds him to the club and now the Unlikable Hero Squad is finally together at last. They all argue, because none of them like each other and Jaleel and Aussie apparently know each other. The Unlikable Trio go to an island where the Crocosaurus might've laid some eggs and they find a shit ton of said eggs. Also, they find Mega Shark eating all of those eggs, because he believes in the purity of the shark race or something. This pisses off the Crocosaurus, who then goes stomping across Florida, where I happen to live.

Which also happens to be the only part that makes me slightly grin as the poster for the previous film is shown.
 Jaleel tells them they need to an arc flash on it, so they contact the Turkey Point (yes, that's a real place) Nuclear Generating Station and I just give up, because the staff there start saluting and shit. Movie...these people aren't soldiers. People who work in these places don't fucking salute. The Simpsons portrays a Nuclear Power Station in a more realistic manner than you. They arc flash the Crocosaurus, it goes "ouch" and crawls back into the ocean, and insurance rates go up even higher in Central Florida because of all this shit. Aussie says they should dissect an egg, so as to find a weakness, but then Mega Shark eats the people who grab eggs for them and it's decided that isn't going to work out.

They don't quite jump the shark, but it sure jumps them.
They decide to lure both critters to the Panama Canal, which they do, and then while trying kill them (while they try kill each other) the canal gets destroyed and Panama goes bye bye. Remember that other movie where the scientists were able to stop a lot of this sort of shit because they were bad-asses who didn't let Lamas talk down to them? Yeah, Jaleel is the closest we get to a scientist in here and he's useless, as everyone talks down to him. They learn the Crocosaurus apparently laid a thousand or so more eggs though and the babies start waking up to go check out the weather in Santa Monica. Meanwhile, the giant monsters are both hot-footing it to Hawaii for their big final battle. A nuclear submarine goes after the Mega Shark, but it swallows it, which means it's now a giatn swimming nuclear bomb.

I love how our "heroes" just keep making things steadily worse as the film goes on.
In Hawaii, the Crocosaurus runs amok and the Unlikable Trio's helicopter goes down and Bitchy McMilitary looks like she won't make it, which Jaleel has a breakdown over because...they were so close? Yeah, I know they're trying to equate it with him still not being over the death of his girlfriend but it doesn't work here. They barely know one another and none of them has even smiled at each other, much less bonded in any sort of way where him losing his shit over her being dead could be believable. Aussie pulls him out of it, they lure the monster to a volcano, it blows up, and Bitchy shows up not actually dead. But the true happy part is when the Admiral finally gets to smoke his cigar. Bitchy "flirts" with Aussie and we get a post-credits scene of him meeting the boat guy from earlier, who is alright with going monster hunting now as long as it isn't on a boat.

HAHAHAHAHAHA SO FUNNY.
This movie really just blows entirely. It could've been entertaining as hell with the outlandish concept, but it just ended up being irritating as hell instead. The characters are completely unlikable and have no chemistry together as a group, making the "emotional" parts feel beyond forced, and I can't tell if the actors are trying to ham it up because this is a B-movie or if they're simply not trying at all. The CGI for the creatures, while a bit more detailed than the previous entry, feels a lot more cheap in appearance and doesn't carry any of the charm it had before. Really, as I said earlier, nothing about the movie has any charm.

Not even seeing them fight is fun. It's just kinda slow and boring.
I would rather watch Jaws: The Revenge five times in one day than to ever sit through this again. It's a terrible sequel and frankly just a terrible movie. Even by giant monster B-movie standards this movie is a stinker and half. It may not have bored me to sleep like Varan the Unbelievable, but it came close, and I just really wanted to walk away from it about 40 minutes in because it just wasn't giving me anything. Even the shittiest movies I've reviewed have given something to laugh at or hang on to, but I got nothing here. This movie just makes me not care. Stick to first film, because this one just gave me a Croco-sore-ass from having to watch it and really nothing else. So, until Jaleel White ends up starring as Carl Winslow in the inevitable Family Matters reboot, I'll be over here staring into the mirror and wondering where my life went wrong. Later days, bleeders.

Yes, he did do that.

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