Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader (2012)

Going back all the way to the 1950s, giant creatures running amok has been a long-standing tradition in the movies. Especially in the B-movie area, with many of those same films being considered classics now where once they were scoffed at as silly and juvenile entertainment. Among those many films was an idea to make a giant man be the threat in The Amazing Colossal Man. This lead to Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, a female take on the idea, and arguably the more well-known. Why do I mention these movies? Well, probably because this movie is a take off of the latter one.

I know...totally shocking, right?

And it probably goes without saying that it's also a bit less serious in tone that those other films, but I don't think anyone would ever approach a film with this title expecting a Shakespearean tragedy. But, while you'd expect this to be forgettable schlock based on all the factors mentioned thus far, there is good news. This is produced by Roger Corman. Yes, our good friend who always cranks out movies that may not be cinematic masterpieces, but are always solidly entertaining. How could I say no to a Corman produced send-up of classic 1950s era classics? Sharktopus would never forgive me if I passed on this.

I generally make it a rule not upset Sharktopus, for obvious reasons.

Our film centers on Cassie Stratford, an attractive young girl who we're supposed to think is ugly because she has some silly makeup on her and because she's a nerd. We all know nerds are hideous, right? Cassie is trying to get on the cheer-leading squad because her mom was a cheerleader and we often carry the burden of our parents' expectations with us until we either learn to move past them or we let them crush us until we self-destruct. But the head cheerleader, Brittany, is a massive bitch who is quite short. That shortness likely has a lot to do with her generally nasty nature, as I figure she got bullied and has now become the bully. That sadly happens a lot.

If it makes you feel any better, Brittany, I happen to like short women.

It doesn't help Cassie much when we learn that she's also pledging to the same sorority that Brittany is in. Again, this is being done for her mother, who was in that house during her college years. Yay for trying desperately to live up to the expectations of unappreciative parents! Where is Cassie's dad? Probably off in the same hole that most mothers in family films end up in due to being killed off to create drama. I'm sure Leslie from Bridge to Terabithia is there too trying to cheer up all the other dead people who only existed as plot devices. Belittled and rejected, Cassie go to the Biology lab on campus where she works with the obvious love interest who we're also supposed to think is too nerdy to be attractive, Kyle. A wild Ted Raimi and Treat Williams come in and we learn they're working on a drug to make people pretty because Treat Williams is rich and wants to be richer by preying on people's insecurities (or more specifically women, as he talks about tits a lot).

I had no idea breasts would be such a large focus in this movie. There weren't any hints or anything.

The drug seems to work, as a disfigured mouse was made to look normal, causing Treat Willaims to offer everyone hookers and alcoholic refreshment. Cassie passes as she has to get to the sorority house where we see a face that seems familiar to me for some reason. I'm not quite sure why, but the house mother really does tickle the memory center of my brain. Hmmm...where do I know her from...?

And why do I suddenly feel the urge to sing Ramones songs?

There she ends up getting a large X drawn across her blemished face, as we're supposed to still believe she's ugly at this point. Afterwards, Cassie takes off back to her room where her friend/roommate is loudly having sex with the male cheerleader while Cassie's mom calls her to check in. And wow, her mom is effing Sean Young. As a fan of  Dune, Stripes, and Blade Runner, I have to say I didn't expect to see her pop up here. Following the conversation where Cassie solves none of her issues with her mother, the male cheerleader flees from the room after the roommate brandishes a cucumber that she apparently meant to insert into a very tender orifice on his person.

It's not that big and she's cute. He should've sucked it up and experimented a bit. She has lube.

In the aftermath of everything, our young troubled heroine finds herself desperate to fit the societal ideals of attractiveness, which results in her injecting herself with the experimental drug. But not before spilling some on a spider crawling on the floor. I'm sure that won't come up later in some horrible way. Anyway, the stuff seems to work as she magically gets prettier (i.e. the makeup blemishes are wiped off) and she feels more confident in herself. At the toga party the next day she thoroughly flaunts her new looks and pisses off Brittany by doing so. A contest is concocted in which the pledges are all treated like dogs. This degrading business is overcome by...Cassie being great at it. I'm not sure that's the right message to send, Cassie. But hey, at least she's good at catching balls in her mouth.

You can't get mad at me for pointing out something that is actually true.

This, of course, interests the quarterback of the football team as he begins chatting her up from this point forward. Cassie eats this up, because barely knowing a guy who is only interested in you due to superficial reasons is a great way to begin a relationship. But the drug seems to be having side-effects as she begins getting larger and her friends are both worried about this. Cassie shrugs it off, as she's enjoying being the leggy supermodel type. It isn't until she begins growing again following her telling off Brittany and making out with the quarterback, Brandon, that she realizes that it may be time to start thinking about looking into a cure. Oh, also the spider is giant now too and it tried to eat a cheerleader earlier. It chases the already thoroughly freaked out Brandon until Cassie smashes it with a sign, and she then goes to Kyle for help as she's a bit wardrobe-challenged and the football hunk seems less interested in a girl he'd have to go spelunking in to pleasure.

Kind of a dick move when she saved his sorry ass from being an empty Gogurt sleeve.

Now seeking helps from Dr. Ted Raimi and Kyle, Cassie gets hooked up with an outfit courtesy of a giant balloon cheerleader and then moves into the gym so people don't notice the giant woman roaming around. It doesn't take long for Brittany to find out about Cassie being a drug-induced giant, as the traumatized Brandon ends up babbling everything to her. This leads her to attempting to seduce Kyle to get at the drug, which he accidentally sticks a double dose of into her in the most amusing way possible.

Did I mention this movie really wants you to notice tits?

While this happens, Dr. Ted Raimi meets Treat Williams and is informed that he wants to take Cassie to use in experiments to get rich, as he's the movie's rich asshole who only care about money and making lewd commentary. It's funny how Treat Williams is the filthiest character in this film and Roger Corman's own cameo as the Dean has him remarking how he doesn't care for such behaviour. Oh, the delicious irony. Treat and his hired goons end up capturing Cassie while Brittany has a growth spurt during some ill-conceived sex with the traumatized quarterback, who then freaks out again because he's seen too many giant things in a very short amount of time. Cassie's friends end up getting her loose in time to go face off against the now giant Brittany, who has made short work of Treat and his boys. The two giant women then battle it out in the football field as the crowd watches. During the fight they rip off one another's tops, because of course they do, and the fight continues on until Brittany grows again and Cassie is forced to inject her own dose of the cute into Brittany.

An ass-shot in more ways than one.

Luckily, Kyle had more antidote and she also gets to get back down to her normal size. but they soon notice that Brittany may have gotten a bit too much when it's revealed she's even shorter than before. I can't help but feel sorry for her, as she clearly already has severe issues regarding her stature. Perhaps she'll come out of this a better person who learns to hang around people who don't judge based on physical appearance. But we won't know anything about that, as the movie is ending and her mental state isn't really that important to the plot. Cassie and Kyle get together, her mother and her work things out, and a happy ending is had by all except for the other girl who has deep-seeded psychological issues based on her physical appearance.

It's okay, Brittany. At least you got to be taller than everyone else for a little while.

I really enjoyed this movie. Much like the many other Corman produced films, it never takes itself too seriously and it really does have a pretty entertaining plotline that treads into similar areas as things like Teen Wolf...except for it's less about being happy being yourself and more about showing as many bare tits as you can in an R-rated film. If this review were in video form I would've had to do a lot of black-boxing, that's for certain. But, while it is quite gratuitous, it's still a very fun watch and it delivers three giant mosnters when it only promised one.

Not to mention the most over-the-top Treat Williams character ever. He almost channels Walken at some points.

At no point during this movie did I regret sitting down to watch it. It was a beautifully silly ride and if you can get into a movie with a lot of nudity that takes almost nothing seriously, I'd say you should check it out. Sure, it's not a good one for the kids, but most kaiju are naked, so I don't really care personally. So, until I can meet Brittany and give her the hug she so desperately needs, I'll be here feeling bad for characters we're supposed to just outright hate. Later days, bleeders.

Play me off, boys!