All Monsters Attack (1969)

Thus one is gonna hurt.

Here we are, in the thick of it! Breathe deeply those toxic fumes. Are they from the breath of a giant monster? Oh no, not this time. Those fumes are coming straight off of the this film. Yes, as I kicked off last year with a Godzilla film, I felt it only suiting to keep that trend going this year. And yes, I know, that title doesn't have Godzilla in it. You know why? Because that's the original title. Godzilla's name was slapped on for a western release though, which is why this film lives in infamy as the aptly named Godzilla's Revenge. A movie so bad that surely Godzilla funded it to get revenge on humanity as a whole for being dicks to him every single time he tries to save the world.

Yes, this is the movie that is marketed towards the more family-friendly audience...which is ironic, as most kids hated it. The reasons why will become apparent. And while I am calling this piece of trash by its original title, I will be subjecting myself to the dub, because my pain pleases you folks so much that I just can't bring myself to enjoy this on any sort of cultured level. Who am I kidding? This is fucking Godzilla's Revenge. Culture went out the window a long time ago with this one. But hey, I suppose it could always be worse. It could be a giant monster movie made by North Korea, right?

So, being that this is a "kid's movie", there is a kid in the starring role. What? You thought Godzilla was the star? Hahahahahahah....oh man, you're killing me. Do it faster so I don't have to watch more of this...please. Anywho, our "hero" is young Ichiro, a boy with a vivid imagination who lives a lonely and rather smog filled life in Kawasaki. He's got basically two friends, a young girl and a toymaker, and spends the rest of his time either getting beat up or sitting in a very empty apartment. What's a poor Japanese boy to do? Well, how about have vivid hallucinations  where he goes to Monster Island? Yep, the kid escapes his mundane life by dreaming of the place where kaiju dwell.

I wonder if Angel Grove is near Monster Island? It'd make a lot of sense.
 Well, if by dreaming of Monster Island you mean they show off bits of new footage mixed in with stock footage from other films, then sure, that's exactly what happens. Yep, this is one of those movies. Maybe's if the kid's dad didn't spend much time working on trains then maybe the kid could imagine more original footage. Or maybe he'd just stop being annoying as fuck. But yeah, the kid's on Monster Island where he witnesses Godzilla battling some Kamacuras via stock footage, which ends about how you'd expect. but it turns out that being a small child on an island populated by giant monsters might be a teeny bit dangerous, as one Kamacuras actually approaches the kid and he runs away...then falls through the opening of Doctor Who.

I sure hope Tom baker comes flying by in the Tardis to flatten him.
but no, apparently that strange cosmic effect was him falling down a really deep hole. A hole that really should have killed him. but no, he's still alive, because my torment must continue onward. Now, since he's alive, I'm going to let you guess how he gets out of the hole....go ahead, I'll wait. No, really. FINE! A vine gets lowered to him and the true face of evil rears its head, heralding the end of my sanity and the beginning of the reign of eternal darkness on the Earth. A monster so hideous that I hesitate to utter its name!

Minilla, the misbegotten offspring of the king of the monsters. Of course it's him. Why wouldn't it be him? You see them trying really hard to make this kid friendly, so you all know they had to toss this abortion in there too. But that's not all because...he fucking talks. He was already bad but hearing him actually talk just adds to the overall horror. He sounds like Goofy on quaaludes. And of course the first thing he asks the kid is "what are you doing here?", which is a question I keep asking myself while watching this. so the two annoying kids end up hanging out together and observe Gabara, who is basically Godzilla's ugly red-headed brother. And is it just me or does he constantly look like he's about to break into tears? He must've heard me call him ugly.

"Your words are hurtful...."
But, we don't have time for monsters in this monster movie! We've got to get back to the kid's real life, as this was all just a dream. We see him dealing with the same bullies again after learning his mom is going to be late again, leading to him exploring a factory where a minor plot point from earlier comes about as he finds the wallet of a bank robber who was hiding out there. Bank robbers in a Godzilla movie? Seriously? For fuck's sake, this isn't what kids want to see! They want to see monsters fighting, dammit! Moving on though, the kid finally dreams again and we get to see him and Minilla watch some stock footage of Godzilla fighting Kumonga and Ebirah while jets fly about. Who knew Monster Island had an airport?

At least that explains why the kid had to take a plane to get their in his fantasy. Oh wait, NO IT DOESN'T!
But of course, that stock footage was a little too enjoyable, thus we get to see Minilla fight Gabara, which basically results in the bigger monster bullying the much more hideous child monster until Godzilla feels bad enough after he runs away that he tries teaching him how to breath fire properly. Then, once more, we're back in the awake world where Ichiro is  being kidnapped by the bank robbers from earlier. Guess you shouldn't go wandering in factories and picking up wallets, eh? Hell, you don't know, one of those factories might be full of Japanese zombies along with robbers! It's almost like its from some movie I've seen before and intend to cover in the future...

One with more attractive zombies than Porn of the Dead but, sadly, less penis biting.
At the end of his rope and likely with pants full of various waste excretions, the kid turns to his hallucinations for help as he dreams of seeing his friend Minilla getting the shit kicked out of him by Gabara again. Wait, how is that supposed to help either of them? But eventually Minilla wins the fight using some Kevin McCallister-like shenanigans. The Big G comes over to pat his abomination of a son on the back for winning, but Gabara comes back to pick a fight way out of his league. Godzilla summarily trounces him, Gabara runs away like a fleeing deadite in Army of Darkness, and Ichiro gets murdered by bank robbers. The end. Okay, fine, what really happens is that he somehow takes what he imagined happening on Monster Island and uses to hold them off long enough for the cops to arrive and arrest them. Then he beats up his bully the next day, resulting in them somehow becoming friends afterward, thus proving that violence solves everything. Roll credits!

"That ending sucked."
There you have it, Godzilla's Revenge or All Monsters Attack. Whatever you want to call it, it really did kinda blow. This movie followed up what was probably one of the coolest concepts ever, Destroy All Monsters, which featured a massive cast of monsters all being brought together for the first time ever. And you can tell they were wanting to go in a similar direction, but the problem is twofold here: stock footage and the inane plot. No one wants to see a movie about a kid imagining he's on Monster Island. Hell, no one wants to see Minilla fucking talk, but they forced that down our throats too. That bloody voice...

I'm sure it will haunt my restless dreams for years to come.
The really insulting thing though is the original title. All Monsters Attack? More like a few monsters attack, as this movie doesn't even come near living up to that title. Hell, it really doesn't feature Godzilla getting any sort of revenge either. Overall, it's just a massive let-down, from start to finish. It's a perfect movie to sit and mock with some friends, but as far as being a good kaiju film, you can forget it. It's easy to see why many fans hate this movie and why it is considered even more of a black sheep to the entire franchise than a certain American made film. So, until I can finally hit my head hard enough to forget Minilla exists, I'll be here making fun of Gabara some more. Later days, bleeders!

"Cut it out, you doody head! I'll tell my mom!"