Friday, May 1, 2015

NSFW: She-Hulk XXX: An Axel Braun Parody (2013)

Here we are, facing the music. Not good music, mind you, but the sort of music you might hear in an elevator. A really lame elevator. A really lame elevator that also has an overly large clitoris. Yes, we're diving into Axel Braun's follow-up to Avengers XXX, where he focused on who was clearly the breakout star in that feature: Chyna.

The porn industry has never been more dangerous, as I think she could conceivably rip off someone's dick by accident.
Yes, of all the famous characters to be featured in the Avengers porno, Axel Braun chose to focus on She-Hulk. And that would probably please many horny fans eager to beat their already savaged meat...if it wasn't for the fact that Chyna plays She-Hulk. I know I'm being mean here, but this is porn. Porn is about being shallow, unless it's a fetish film, and this is not that. Of course, maybe I'm wrong and Braun has a fetish for green body paint and women who appear to have done steroids. Different strokes for different folks, as they say. It could also be argued that maybe Chyna was the only muscled female pornstar they could find.

If only there was a place to find muscled porn actresses to pick from.
Let's be real here, Chyna got cast because people remember her from her time as a wrestler. Not really in a positive light usually, but she's known, and thus can help grab the attention of more people. Would Jewels Jade (who has a shade of green as her last name) have been a better choice for She-Hulk? Sure, but she doesn't carry the same name recognition. Either that or Chyna threatened to break Braun's dick in half. That could be just as likely, honestly. But, for whatever reason, we're stuck with the former WWF superstar and her terrible green body paint. So, let's do this before I lose my nerve.

I'm already relatively certain I'll be losing my lunch.
The movie opens on a hospital where we see Jennifer Walters waking up to discover that there's a detective in her room after she got shot in the back. Also, her cousin (the Hulk/Bruce Banner) gave her a blood transfusion. This means that she's going to turn into Chyna at some point. Anyway, she flashes back to what events led to her getting shot as she meets a colleague and they end up fucking.

How did you think lawyers settled cases? With discussions and negotiations? Pfffttt.
So Jen fixes her make-up after getting a facial, because she's gotta look her best after engaging in important legal matters, and Bruce shows up to say hi. Well, hi and "I'm sorta the Hulk, so I hope this isn't too weird". He explains the whole Hulk thing to her, how he got exposed to gamma rays and is constantly on the way. She explains how she's also in danger because of the mob and how she'd hate to turn into a raging green monster whenever she gets angry. Don't worry, Jen. You won't notice it that much. As a matter of fact, it will almost be like an actress who looks nothing like you with stand-in for you while wearing green body paint.

She'll also get top billing, for some reason.
We then go back to the present as a nurse comes onto a guard, leading to another sex scene. Why? I mean, I get that there are going to be sex scenes but...a fucking nurse and a guard? Are you kidding me with this shit? This is a She-Hulk movie. At least have the nurse fuck Bruce or the detective or someone important to the plot! This is just tedious porn filler in an already fairly boring porno spoof. And because that's not stupid enough, the agents from the Matrix wander in, because why not? Who cares anymore! Chyna may as well fuck Keanu Reeves, because it makes about as much sense as a nurse and guard getting a fucking sex scene.

I have no mouth and I must scream. Great, now Harlan Ellison is gonna sue me.
But no, actually the agent looking guys are actually from the mob and they rush into Jen's room to kill her with a syringe full of poison. What they weren't prepared for though is her new ability to trade places with Chyna when she gets angry! She manhandles the two would-be assassins and leaps out of the window and falls down the CGI hospital to the ground below.

"Great graphics."
Now our badly painted heroine is lose in the city. Does she start tearing up cars or raging down the street? Nope, instead she asks where she's supposed to go dressed like she is. Savage She-Hulk she is not, as this is just Chyna being Chyna. I kinda hoped for some actual Hulk rage but instead we get this. I should've known better. She wanders off into the green screen city before getting dizzy and reverting into a more attractive porn actress. Yay! Chyna's gone again! But for how long? Oh well, at least this means she won't get the next sex scene. Jen reevaluates her life now that she's a Hulk and ends up wandering to...Reed Richards and Sue Storm's place?! What the fuck? Then a face cut happens and Chyna is back!

Green truly is a scary colour.
Also, you just have to love the permanent pout on Sue there. I like to imagine she stares at everyone while doing that, even when she's invisible. It brings me one of the only bits of joy in this entire film. It's also worth noting that the Fantastic Four uniforms in here are actually better than the ones being used in the new film coming out, because life is cruel that way. Chyna asks if Reed can help her, but he tells her he doesn't know as he hasn't been able to help Bruce. Then she starts making out with Sue and more comic based sexual fantasies die a slow horrible death as the sex scene begins.

Dammit, Sue! Turn that shit invisible, for fuck's sake!
After we get probably the worst lesbian sex scene I've ever had to sit through, along with a close-up of the unpainted parts of Chyna's ass crack, the plot trudges back along to save us. We see Jen wander out to her car...that I guess she drove there? She declares that she's not sure she wants to be cured of being a Hulk, which means she's happier than I am. Then Aaron Taylor-Johnson chloroforms her from the backseat while wearing his Kick-Ass costume. Alright, alright, it's not really him. It's actually supposed to be a Hydra agent...a really shitty designed Hydra agent. She wakes up in a lab with two more goofy looking Hydra guys talking about experimenting on her, a subject she's not a fan of, and apparently chloroform now keeps her from hulking out, as she just sits there as it fades to black.

"Do you think she realizes she could rip this place apart? Or that we're the goofiest looking terrorists ever?"
After the fade out we end up with Viper, the queen of Hydra, as she talks to one of her generic underlings. She's ranting about stuff in a bad accent, name dropping Captain America and the Red Skull (because continuity!) and she then orders her hapless guard to kneel in front of her. Then she informs that her disappointment means his death.

Does that mean this could be considered his final meal?
They fuck, her green lipstick gets rubbed off, and he cums on her tits. Moving on. We return to the scientist Hydra guys as they plan to use a taser on Jen, which is just the smartest thing ever, and a scream alerts Viper and her fuckbuddy to trouble. We also notice that she has a fresh coat of green lipstick, because there is no better time to touch up your make-up than after having one of your henchmen blow a load on your chesticles. The scream was the Hydra guys getting the shit kicked out of them courtesy of green Chyna, who suddenly is roaring like a true Hulk. Also, her costume magically materialized out of nowhere.

I suspect she hid it in her ass.
Then Hawkeye shows up, because I wasn't annoyed enough. She explains that she's a sexier version of her cousin and I begin gagging and tasting things I ate days ago trying to come back up. She gets angry at him, thinking he's propositioning her and she should get mad at that sort of sexist behaviour...except that it just leads to her sucking his dick. What a stellar, completely unexpected, plot twist. They fuck, which is about as much fun to watch as seeing her fucking Thor was, and the movie ends finally, giving me the first moment in the movie I found attractive: the credits.

As surprising as it may seem, Hawkderp on Chyna action just didn't do it for me.
Ultimately, while this movie actually was an improvement in quality over the Avengers XXX film from Braun, it was still a pretty mundane experience. It followed the general porn formula but also left me scratching my head more than once (like with the nurse/guard sex scene). The attempt at a plot would be great if it actually led anywhere, but much like the Avengers XXX never gave us a Hulk/Thor/She-Hulk slamfest, this also fizzled out in the end, leaving me wondering what the point even was of bringing in Hawkeye? I guess the actor was available and he really was itching to get him some green pussy?

Which reminds me...have they done a porn spoof of Wicked yet?
In the end, it left me bored, just like Avengers XXX did. And that's the worst crime the movie could commit when you consider I only watch porn to laugh at it. Instead, the only smile that reached my face was the one that crept upon it when the credits rolled and I realized I was finally free. If you want to see She-Hulk porn, go search Rule 34. Save your time and money, don't bother with this. Because even porn should keep the audience interested. So, until Chyna breaks me over her knee Bane-style for panning her cinematic achievements, I'll be here girding my loins for the next spoof that ends up on my plate. Later days, bleeders.

Well, at least there wasn't any Hulkcest. I'm sure Mark Millar is heartbroken over that.

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