Wednesday, April 29, 2015

NSFW: Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody (2012)

This has been a long time coming right here. Many moons ago, I read a request for a movie, as I do get them from you folks on occasion. But this was a movie I dreaded immensely. A movie that I honestly didn't want to watch, but felt obligated to because a fan made the request and I don't want to let you lovely people down (even at the cost of my own sanity). This...is not that movie.

Take it away, Shammyham!
No, that movie is actually one that serves as a follow-up to this one. And the reason I am doing this one is because I used the excuse of "Well, I may as well do the Avengers porn first, then do that one" which invariably led to me finding more and more reasons to avoid watching both of these films. I just wanted to not do these that badly. But, as I do feel beholden to honour requests, I finally found myself saying that I was going to do these leading up to the new Avengers film. Thus, here we are, staring into the abyss. Well, actually, it might be someone's asshole we're staring into. This is a porno we're watching, after all.

It could always be worse though. Trust me.

Now, you might be asking why this movie exists, to which I would answer "because superheroes are popular now in the public conscious", because that is true. We have big budget superhero slam fests with colourful costumed heroes being taken seriously, television shows about comic book heroes, and even a large surge in new fans checking out superhero books because of these things. So it's no shock that porno makers decided to get in on all of this. Axel Braun particularly seems hellbent on making adult films based on every superhero, thus fulfilling some rather strange fetish fantasies that I'm sure many fans have.

While also destroying some of those fantasies entirely.
Our film opens on a deeply confused man waking up in the desert and a reminder that Chyna is playing She-Hulk (as if I will ever forget). A news report is then shown, talking about the closing battle from The Incredible Hulk (meaning that the only film willing to reference that movie is a porno) and we are introduced to our heroes, the Avengers! And wow, does Hawkeye look doofy. I mean, yeah, they gave him his classic outfit and that's great...but he's got a double chin and is whining more than the boyfriend from Who Reamed Rosie Rabbit.

"HURR DURR, I SHOOT ARROWS!"
Accuse me of using an unflattering screengrab all you want, the reality is they all look about look that. Hawkeye looks less like Jeremy Renner and more like Gil Hicks from Mallrats. But, unlike Gil, he's guaranteed to get laid, which means that regardless of all my jokes, I still have to look at this guy's dick. Wonderful. Proceeding forward, Nick Fury gives a big important speech about their mission: take down the Hulk. Iron Man wanders in, clearly drunk as he has put on a bad costume rather than his armour, then Scarlet Witch shuts down all the sound because everyone is stupid and bickering. But Hawkderp goes after her, because why not? And he ends up fucking Black Widow because this is a porno.


At least he's relatively quiet while his dick is in her mouth.
One cumshot later, we find our way back to the plot as bad CGI Iron Man confronts Hulk in the green screen desert. Gotta love these special effects. Hulk smashes him and a fat redneck shows up in his pickup for some reason. Man, that sure was interesting. Better have another sex scene to get me good and bored again. Right on cue, Sharon Carter (Captain America's on-again/off-again love interest and daughter of Agent Peggy Carter) comes in and proceeds to help Director Fury relieve some stress.


If only Peggy could see her now.
Blah, blah, blah, sex happens. We then go to Scarlet Witch slinging...I dunno, hex bolts? Yeah, let's go with that. Anyway, yeah she's slinging those around in the gym for some reason and Ms. Marvel comes in complimenting her powers, to which she rebuts that next to Ms. Marvel her powers seem paltry. Yeah, being able to alter reality and probability sure is weak sauce, Wanda. Then they fuck.


Call me crazy but I'm beginning to notice some sort of pattern here. I can't quite finger it out though.
One sex scene later, we join Almost Thor as he practices for Shakespeare in the park. He gets interrupted though as Chyna (covered in green body paint) wanders in and I struggle to keep my face from contorting permanently into a horrified look. This is it, folks. Chyna is going to fuck the guy dressed as Thor. She's going to do this while covered in really awful green body paint. To quote her, "green is a scary colour", but I would argue that it's really only scary when in this context. 


This is a man who knows the script calls for him tongue-fucking Chyna, something X-Pac long bragged about doing.
I try to calm my terror as it begins, facial hair meeting green pubic hair. I only vomit a little. Just a little. Can I say though that the part that I really can't help but focus on is her body paint? Because it looks oddly yellow in places and seems to be rubbing off, not unlike a certain zombie. It's not that I don't understand the casting choice here, as Chyna is clearly a porn star now who also happens to be muscly. But she's just kinda weird looking in the green paint and I really have a hard time imagining anyone being turned on by her even without it. Well, anyone but X-Pac. Finally though, the scene ends and we go back to the Avengers' clubhouse, thus reminding us that there is actually supposed to be a team of some sort in this long string of fucking. Considering the Spider-Man porno was also done by Braun, I'm shocked he didn't stick him in here.


Oh wait, he did.
Yep, Spider-Man joins the fun and even he starts mocking Hawkeye, which kinda pisses me off. Mocking Hawkderp is my job, dammit! You go get your own shitty blog! Anywho, Scarlet Witch throws another fit and Thor and Chyna-Hulk show up, making me think the plot might actually happen now! But nope, as we then fade into Ms. Marvel and Spidey having a moment together. Alone. Away from the other people. And I let out a deep exasperated sigh because we all see where this is going.


She should be careful, he has bad luck with blondes. What? Too soon?
One tedious sex scene later, Ms. Marvel gets covered in "web fluid" and we see some more of the "film's budget" as a CGI Quinjet flies off. Spidey learns that he will be joining the rest of the team in the Arctic Circle while the heavy hitters go to face the Hulk. Hawkderp whines some, because that's what he does, and Nick Fury looks imposing because someone has to.


This fucking guy right here sure isn't going to. If anything he looks like he's gonna sell me propane.
Spidey asks what's in the Arctic Circle, which becomes fairly obvious when they end up staring at a frozen block of patriotism, which will invariably lead into another film in the epic Marvel Braun universe. What happened with Hulk and Thor and that Chyna lady? Fuck if I know, it's not shown in this movie. But I'm sure it's one of the many related films. Hell, it might even be in the next one I'm covering. It does promise to have a green person in it, although their Hulkitude is debatable.

Spoiler alert: it's Chyna again.
This movie was really not all that entertaining. It had its moments, but overall it just felt like what it really is: a cheap cash-in on a popular trend. The actors felt really meh and the costumes, while accurate to the comics mostly, felt like Halloween outfits. Braun also missed a perfect opportunity to get involved in the whole Milo Manara scandal by featuring Spider-Woman posing on a rooftop while getting fucked by a drunken Iron Man. It's also worth noting that despite the large cast of characters, very few actually have sex scenes. Ms. Marvel got two, thus making her the most sexually active character in the film. In the end, it was kinda boring and not really as funny as I hoped it might be. Avengers XXX, you are no Porn of the Dead. So, until we get jolly green incest in the Hulk porno, I'll be here trying to block out the images I've seen with painkillers and a hefty dose of self-inflicted concussion. Later days, bleeders.

Remember, kids, Spider-Man says to tell Hawkderp to go fuck himself and you should too!


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