Wednesday, December 10, 2014

NSFW: Dracula Exotica (1980)

I didn't really expect to go over vampires again so soon. After all, I went over them quite a bit during Anthony Hickox Week when I talked about Sundown. But, I did mention briefly a certain vampire movie during that very review. And by mention, I mean I took a screencap from it, which was used for a terribly lame joke. That movie was a blast from the past called Dracula Exotica. Yes, a Dracula porn that, despite technically coming out in the 80s, still feels like it came out in the 70s. How 70s does it feel? Well, Dracula has one of those white guy afros and some of the women look like they have afros of their own...on their vaginas. I don't really care if anyone does or doesn't shave down there, but it's definitely very telling of the period.

At least they didn't use Soul Glo on their pubic hair. That would've been terribly messy.

Yes, Dracula is one of those stories that has been retold hundreds of times and will continue to be retold for a long time. This is because it is a classic story that people still find intriguing to this day and it's easy to see why someone would to do their own version of the story. But this isn't me talking about some big budget version of Dracula where something new is being done. No, this is me talking about a porno that was made about Dracula that I once watched as a kid because I really wanted to see if porn was as exciting as people made it out to be. What did I discover? Well, I learned that apparently Dracula enjoys biting women in a variety of places.

I wonder if this movie inspired another director's work in some minor vagina-gnawing way.
The movie opens up on a slow motion shot of a bat about to smash into Wayne Manor where it scares the hell out of a young Bruce Wayne and inspires him to become Batman...or it's just going to squeak a lot in an annoying way until it joins a large group of bats as the title fades in. Is this gonna be one of those art house type pornos that takes itself too seriously? Because nothing says "serious" like a bad Romanian accent narrating the film as we see water crash on some rocks and herds of goats. Ugh. If I wanted to see goat-fucking, I could go elsewhere. Anyway, we get the tragic backstory of how Dracula fell in love with an innkeeper's daughter whom he couldn't be with due to his station, which resulting in her going into a convent and him being a massive lovelorn whoremonger.

"I'm so sad and horny...bleh."
Also, I'm fairly certain his buddy there trying to cheer him up is Ron Jeremy. Let me look this up...Yep, that's Ron Jeremy in an uncredited role. How about that? Ron Jeremy showing up in a porn. Who would've expected that? This is before Ron turned into one half of the Super Mario Bros. though, so some might not immediately recognize him. Ron locks a whore in the stocks and they whip her, two others suck a guy's dick, and everyone eats and drinks while the count continues being a huge buzzkill. Some hairy sex happens and we get to look at a close-up of Ron's o-face.

Alright, so it's not really Ron. But admit it, you laughed.
Things escalate and Dracula goes to find his former love in her convent where he has clothed sex with a girl while weird music plays, which is actually more rape than sex. I mean, she screams and cries through it all, so it's pretty clearly meant to be rape. Then he passes out on a table and the movie continues as he wakes up realizing he did a bad thing. It seems she's gone and killed herself and now he has that proper sad backstory. He curses himself basically, then becoming a vampire. Alright then, that happened. That leads us to the "modern times" where a tour is being given around his castle and we get to see a lovely painting of him that appears to have been painted by that master artist, Glamour Shots.

I don't think I need to say anything here.
The tour ends, night falls, a wolf howls at the moon, and the vampires all wake up to enact another mandatory sex scene. I have to say, the sex is usually the worst part about watching porn. It's just filler to me until we get to the entertaining bits. We see some vampire ladies eat each other out and then Dracula shows up to get her nightly blowjob. Riveting stuff. Apparently though, he just can't get off. I feel your pain, Drac. We get the basics of the plot, that he's heading to America to get started on his new life. but first he has his manservant kill the vampire ladies while they're sucking his dick, because that's nice. He meets up with a guy who appears to have wandered in from the set of Top Secret and he shows him he's got no reflection. But this guy? He's not going to just believe some guy named Count Dracula is a vampire.

"You don't even sparkle, sir!"
From that meeting we then go to America, to a nice big city as a pretty lady wanders into a porno theater where she meets up with a gentleman in sunglasses. Now, I'm no expert, but this seems vaguely shady. They talk about some spy stuff and then she sucks the sunglasses guy's dick. Yeah, where's Dracula again? Why, he's on a ship where he discovers there's smuggling going on. But that sounds too exciting, where's the sex scene? Oh, there it is! Yeah, an offensively stereotypical latina woman gets gangbanged by the crew until Dracula wanders in to interrupt this, because it's still his movie, god dammit. He kills all the guys and then gives the lady a nibble around her ovaries after she tries to kill him. He also seems to hire her to be his secretary, because why not?

When a guy has his fangs locked onto your clitoris, it's a safe bet you're not going anywhere.
We jump from that to a strangely older little girl greeting her father, as he rubs her like a massive pervert...he's going to fuck his daughter, isn't he? Fucking Christ...yeah, he's going to fuck her. He starts fingering her, saying it's the magic butterfly, which I'm sure pedophiles everywhere took notes on. Then he says it's hiding from a snake that she has to be nice to, so it won't hurt her. This is making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. So yeah, she sucks him off, he fucks her, and we learn the obvious when it's revealed she's not his daughter but actually that spy lady from earlier. That's somewhat better, I guess. It seems he only has a fetish for fucking his daughter, not that he actually does it. Actually, no, that's still fucking awful. The spy lady jams a pistol up his ass though and kills him, so I guess we don't have to worry about him molesting anyone anymore.

He also has this, because he wasn't creepy enough.
It seems he's involved in something the spy people here have an interest in and she was only fucking him to learn more about it. Since she learned what she needed, she offed him. Before I go on though, I have to take a moment and share this with you. It's not really important or relevant, but when she jams the gun up his ass, he makes a face that amused me to no end. A face that I really wanted to share with you, my loyal readers. Enjoy.

This is the face of a man who really likes cold steel in his ass.
Moving on, we find ourselves in the city morgue as a dipshit detective and a doctor examine the body of the lady from the ship. The detective refers to her in a less than racially sensitive manner, which I suppose says that he's the movie's comic relief. Wonderful. They examine her wounds and leave as the assistant coroner come in and proceeds to partake in a bit of necrophilia. So, we're watching a movie with rape, a pedophile incest fantasy, and now necrophilia. Well, it's nice to see they're trying to appeal to all the right people. I'm shocked they didn't squeeze in a Nazi sex scene with the way this is going. Anyway, she wakes up and kills him, because she's clearly a vampire now, and Dracula stares a lot. Can I just say, I don't get the whole cumming on someone and rubbing it into their skin thing. It seems kinda nasty to me, honestly.

She seems to agree with me, judging by her reaction to it.
We get to see the sunglasses guy talking to the Romanian beardy guy from earlier and that talk about the dead ass-gun pedophile guy. Dracula gets made the head of the Transylvanian exchange program, which is odd and a little funny, and the secretary ends up meeting detective dipshit, where she basically makes him her slave to use as she pleases. Dracula, on the other hand, meets the spy lady, whom he falls in love with (obviously) and we can all see where this is going. He romances her, she thinks to herself how he could manage to keep a perfect head of hair with smelling like a cloud of hair product, and he sits later with his manservant in a melancholy malaise. This leads to him appearing in the girl's mirror and watching her masturbate with a look of mild confusion.

"I'm not sure what I'm watching here but I really like it."
She orgasms and he seems to react with a painful grunt that says "these pants are far too tight". He tells her who he really is, bloodsucking warts and all, and the end fast approaches as sunglasses guy gets testy. But he'll have to wait, because it's time for another sex scene! The movie continues on as part sex scene and part detective dipshit riding in a taxi, until Dracula jizzes on his lady finally and his manservant's blowjob from the vampire secretary is interrupted by her spontaneously turning into a skeleton.

This isn't what he was thinking when he said he wanted to bone.
Everyone else then proceeds to show up at Dracula's apartment where they all shoot up the place as two pigeons fly off. But detective dipshit observes the birds as we hear the voice of Dracula talking to his love, showing that somehow him finally achieving orgasm turned them into birds. The detective though seems to still be a vampire...in broad daylight...and that's the end. Well then, that was certainly different. I can honestly say I didn't expect the ending to leave me contemplating whether this is how all the birds in Hatoful Boyfriend came to be.

It's either that or the creators really were just dropping some serious acid.
That's Dracula Exotica, the very first porno spoof I ever saw. Although I hesitate to even call it that, as it seems to more its own thing. This movie, while amusing in many parts, does feel confusing. The spy stuff seems hard to follow most of the time and the detective being a massive racist wasn't really funny, it was just a guy being a huge racist. The bits with the manservant were often the funnier bits, which makes me sad that he didn't get more screen time. The bit at the end where he's finally getting blown only for the woman to turn into a pile of bones honestly made me laugh. This Dracula seems to be completely unrelated to the classic one, even having a different, much longer name, so I can't really say I have any issues regarding accuracy to the source material. The only thing I have issues with regarding him is that he seems to get the backseat treatment through half the film that has his name in it.

"No one puts Draccy in the corner."
Overall, it's a weird porno from the 1970s that was released in the 1980s, and it feels about how you'd expect it to feel. There's a lot more stomach cumshots than we see in modern pornos and the acting is silly, but more in an endearing way rather than a bad one. It's sorta like watching any old b-movie, there's things that you can't help but enjoy. It may not be a big turn-on for you, but it should garner a few chuckles here and there. So, until Dracula poops on me while flying overhead, I'll be here writing this bollocks for your amusement. Later days, bleeders.

"Why the hell am I smiling?"


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