|Like a movie featuring 12 unique killers, one of which is a mutant samurai.|
I may have been a pretty smart kid who had decent taste, but even I made mistakes and I firmly believe that passing up on Neon Maniacs had to be one of those mistakes. Here I was, a child who loved horror films...who worshiped Freddy Kreuger, and I didn't think watching a movie with twelve slashers in it was worth my time? Furthermore, it had neon in the title. NEON. How did I not watch this movie? How?! Anyway, I did finally watch it after coming across it years ago as I scoured the internet in search of movies I loved as a kid but had forgotten the titles of, such as The Runestone or Shock 'Em Dead. And there it was, the poster staring back at me with its assorted maniacs, mutants, and at least one zombie. I gazed upon the artwork and immediately knew I had to watch it. Now that I have this place I figured it'd be good to talk about this often overlooked slice of the 1980s horror scene.
|Maybe I would've watched it had these nifty cards been marketed for public consumption. I loved cards.|
|"What a loser! He could be drinking and screwing in the park where no killers will ever bother us."|
|This sounds like a job for Sasquatch porn. Of course, this could just be a picture of me having sex too.|
|Those teenagers, always getting killed for laughs. When will they learn?|
But, regardless, her remaining friend who wasn't out getting drunk comes to get her, and takes her home. At home she goes for a swim after hearing her mother's message about enjoying her vacation, but she doesn't realize that the caveman-like maniac is stalking her and it begins raining what appears to be blood. Luckily, it turns out to just be a dream and it's only raining normal rain. The Next day the cops go to investigate the scene of the crime, but only find slime and no bodies or evidence outside of it. We go back to Paula as her friend, a cop's kid, calls her and tells her about Natalie's story. Paula decides to go talk to Natalie about what happened as Steven moons over her from afar. Natalie's friend blows her off though and the sister of one of her now dead friends shows up trying to get information about what really happened to her brother out of Natalie. She doesn't like what she hears and Steven goes to Nat's aid.
|He's so brave to selflessly throw himself between two beautiful women.|
Because of this though, she gets asked to stay home from school for a while so she doesn't get attacked anymore. We then join Paula and her friends at their movie shoot where the cop's kid asks if she talked to Nat, which she admits to doing and she says that she plans to investigate the park herself. First though, she calls Nat on the phone to try and get some info from her. She responds a bit badly and our young horror fan is left with more questions. We then find our way back to Steven who is told he must make a delivery for his dad's store and Nat gets a call from some scared parents looking for their daughter. Cue Paula showing up at the scene of the murders, as she follows the trail of slime and Steven shows up at Nat's place to deliver her groceries. These jumps back and forth, I have to admit, are a bit annoying. I'll be glad when the group eventually starts working together.
|Otherwise known as "the other two talk a lot and Paula gets shit done".|
Anyway, they awkwardly flirt and we get back to Paula, who finds the trail leads to the bridge to a storage area underneath it. Some cops show up and shoo our young heroine away though, even breaking her bike, so she leaves to further look for answers. The cops end up getting killed too though while Paula is away, because they're not taking things seriously enough. She stakes out the place later on, catching the maniacs on film as one slips and melts its hand in a puddle of water, but she gets seen and now Paula is on their kill list. Meanwhile, Steven ends up having to face the reality of the things too, as he and his new lady love are chased on a train by some. The entire trio finally comes together and Paula tells them about how she dispatched of one of the maniacs in her room using water. They decide to arm the entire audience at the Battle of the Bands with water guns, as they figure the maniacs will be coming there for not only Natalie but for all of the kids. They do show up, killing the one competent cop, and...wait...is that Andrew Divoff? Yeah, the maniac known as Doc is actually horror icon Andrew Divoff in his very first film role. How about that?
|"I get around."|
Anyway, people panic like crazy and run about rather than using their water guns, but I didn't really expect anyone to believe they'd be useful once people started dying. Luckily, Paula gets the fire hose and starts fighting off the baddies all on her own. Leave it to the youngest cast member to be the only one who actually does anything. Natalie just freaks out as Steven rescues her, and they share their story with the cops afterward, including where the creatures can be found. The cops go to the bridge and open the storage area to find....nothing but an old van. So, no one believes them now and they're sent off. The chief stays there though, exploring the storage area until the van is opened and he gets killed. We then see our three heroes driving away, saying that the rain won't last forever, as the film ends and the threat of the Neon Maniacs still looms.
|Including the silly little one that looks like a puppet.|
|She even comes with a direct reference to the baddest lady in horror, Ellen Ripley.|
|And seriously, stay off the subway at night.|