Thursday, October 16, 2014

NSFW: Porn of the Dead (2006)

I have been doing this whole thing for a while now, first over at Cinema Crazed, then at my now defunct site Within the Couch, and finally here. In that time I have gotten feedback in various forms, whether it be something as simple as hatemail for discussing the saga of the original Harry Potter (otherwise known as Troll) in comparison to the character that came later with the same name, questions about the emotional value of a gay love story about a serial killer and a prostitute, or admiration for that one time I wrote about sexist bullshit going on (go read that here, because I love promoting myself). Occasionally though I get a request, which is usually added to a list. One such request was given by way of a question initially, which was "why don't you ever review any porn?"

Well, honestly, there's times where I sorta felt like I was reviewing some sort of fetish porn.

This question has sat with me for quite some time. I mean, it's not like I don't get some bizarre fascination out of porn, but what can I say about any of it? It's porn. Then I really thought about it and realized that there are some interesting (and generally hilarious) porn films out there. So, while I won't be breaking out the big guns and going on a porn blitz, I have decided to give you this new feature where I will talk about select films that generally involve fluids of a much more disgusting nature than Dead Alive gave us.

Although, they're probably equally as messy to clean up after.
First on the NSFW block is a very particular flick that actually fits in perfectly with Horrorfest, as it involves the extremely popular creature known as the zombie. Ah, yes, because nothing is quite as sexy as getting eaten. Porn of the Dead was brought to us by director Rob Rotten, a man who has made a career out of bring punk rock into the porn world, which is pretty cool. It'd be pretty weird to watch a zombie porno with traditional porn music playing in the background, so the punk rock soundtrack is great. This movie is also an anthology, which means that it's technically the first horror anthology I have ever reviewed.

Not to worry, as I plan to review another one that's got a lot less semen in it.
 Our film opens up with a grainy filter, some classic horror music, and a rather dirty lady walking down the street. I am lead to believe she's a zombie, as she is staggering and being followed by the sounds of buzzing flies. A guy notices her in his totally normal rubber gloves/paint mask combo, and abducts her. I'd say this looks like the beginning of a rape fantasy, but she's a zombie and I would hope he'd keep his dick out of something that eats people, as he happens to be a people. We then get our title sequence with various clips from the various stories as metal plays until we return to the rubber gloved man as he leads his new friend into his place.

I'm not sure if this is where he kills people or if he just has a hording problem & never throws out old newsprint.
He pushes her into his large tarp-hole (which is remarkably clean for having bloody bits of bone in it) and proceeds to choke her out. Yep, here we have a man choking a zombie, because zombies totally need to breathe, right? After that nonsense is over, he leaves her there, in what I can only assume is meant to be the zombie version of unconsciousness, and he changes into something more comfortable: a hazmat suit. No really, he comes back in a hazmat suit with an axe. I am beginning to question whether there's actually going to be any sex, or if I somehow found myself watching a really strange slasher movie.

No, wait, there it is.
Yep, the zombie lady gets the drop on our zombie slasher and rips his hazmat suit up (without harming him, despite all the blood she rubs on him) while we hear what I assume are the sounds of a dog growling and immediately starts sucking his dick. Because if there's one place you want your penis, it's definitely in the mouth of a zombie. After screaming for a bit, he begins to realize she's not killing him and proceeds to fuck her until her grungy make-up starts rubbing off to remind everyone that she's not actually a zombie. The sex culminates in his blowing a load in her face and then promptly biting his dick off.

Best plot twist ever.
Our next segment then begins as we find a woman turn on some music only to begin pleasuring herself. Not just to anything though, but to thoughts of zombie sex. It's almost like there's an overarching theme in this movie. Anyway, after the zombie "eats" her, they bang and she gargles his semen (because that's not carrying any terribly infectious disease that might come back to bite her) before she ultimately awakens from the fantasy. Really? She fantasized about this?

I guess if other guys won't eat women out then the dead will?
Moving on, the next story delivers us to a porn shoot, which is oddly meta with this already being a porno. Is this like Pornception? Does that mean I get to see DiCaprio naked? Because I would be alright that, surprisingly. But no, it's just a boring old movie about two people fucking outside while a wolf howls in the distance and thunder rolls. But wait...aren't there supposed to be zombies in this somewhere?

Nope, just the Incredibly Naked Hulk over here.
A big green naked zombie shows up with his bros and they murder the crew before one spits blood on the actress and begins fucking her. How romantic. She takes the time to complain that the zombie isn't even wearing a condom...because that's her biggest problem right now. The other zombies return and they proceed to gangbang her until eventually she decides swallowing zombie sperm is alright (but apparently them not using a condom is terrible) and we leave her to probably get eaten off-screen. The next tale then begins as we see a mad scientist (I think) bringing a naked lady to a table where she is brought back to life via the power of having her clitoris licked. And then they have sex. I feel like there should be more to say about this, but really that's all there is.

Scientists have a lot more tattoos than I remember them having.
Now we're in the home stretch as our final tale starts with a lady in a mental hospital who really likes drawing swords on her walls. What? Those are inverted crosses? Oh, well I guess that makes more sense than my original thought that she was committed for loving the Renaissance Fair a bit too much. Anyway, the orderly arrives and is a bit distressed to discover that it seems she's bashed her head into the wall and is bleeding on the floor. Well, I've heard of worse reasons to immediately strip a woman down and lick her nethers...oh wait, no I haven't. It's good to know that Thrasher Mental Asylum employs men who enjoy having sex with recently dead women. And, because it was silly enough last time, his magical pussy-eating powers bring her back to life and he freaks out accordingly. But, not to worry, she only wants to suck him off. He better watch out, this scenario seems awfully familiar. Of course, being that he's a man of discerning tastes, he fucks the zombie mental patient and, after helping him get off, she tears open his belly and rubs his intestines all over her as he convulses. The end.

She wanted something of his inside of her, but sadly for him it was his guts.
Now, I have to say, as a movie that is meant to exist for people to jerk off to, I really find myself having a hard time seeing the appeal. It's not really all that sexy watching grungy bloody people have sex. I put it right up there with bukkake porn. But as a enjoyably bad zombie movie, it actually is sort of fun to watch. Personally, I'd like to edit out a lot of the sex to just get to the more interesting bits (the cock eating and intestinal fun time). The sex itself is your standard porn fare, featuring multiple holes being used and the obligatory cumshot finishers. Ultimately, it's a silly porn movie with a horror slant that makes it a bit more amusing. There's not much in the way of actual story, which is shame because it probably would've been more entertaining. Would I recommend it? Not really, unless you really want to see zombies fucking. Otherwise, you'd be better off just peeking at the death scenes and leaving the rest alone. So, until I die and come back to feast on the vaginas of the innocent, I'll be here remembering when I actually had a sex life. Later days, bleeders.

Remember to always chew your meat.

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