Saturday, October 11, 2014

Eat Me: Little Monsters & Crazy Bones

It'd be hard to go through October and not talk about candy. I mean, really, it's one of the things that goes hand in hand with this month. There's a tradition of kids collecting candy on the closing day of the month, so to say candy is a bit of a big deal is an understatement. Now, there are tons of different varieties of candy out for Halloween, big companies especially seem to rule the month. But when I was a kid we all knew that the best candy was the stuff you only saw during this time of year. The unique stuff that really sticks with you because you can't just buy a different version of it from the same company. So, rather than talking about Hershey Miniatures or Reese's Pumpkins. I am going to talk about these two things below.

The diabetes is strong with this one.

So, first on the block are the Black Forest Little Monsters Fruit Snacks. Now, let me just say that I do, in fact, strongly suspect that Black Forest makes these gummy Gushers rip-offs in less monstery versions probably all year round. But I haven't seen them in any of the stores I go to, so they're new to me and fit the basic theme I am going with here. The gimmick here is obviously that these are monster shaped gummies with juicy filling in their centers. The side of the box reveals the assortment of gummies within which include grapes mummies, orange werewolves, strawberry coffins...then I see it...the abomination surely here to end all things. The cherry vampire...oh, unholy lord of darkness, just look at the vampire.

Did I say vampire? Because he honestly looks Meatloaf as Eddie in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
My mission is now clear. I must devour this creature before the world suffers. I rip into the box and am immediately caught in a wave of fruity scents rolling from it like a chain reaction from a nuclear reactor explosion, but with fruit. Inside the box are 24 pouches of gummy candies, so all is going fine so far. Maybe the box was wrong, right? I mean, surely they wouldn't really make a gummy candy that looks like a semi-realistic face for kids to devour. They have to know how weird that is, right? My hopes are immediately dashed as I rip open a pouch and look upon the contents. Before me stares back the screaming faces of anguish and misery.

One is so mushed that it now looks like the Flukeman from X-Files.
I stare on in horror as the two faces scream at me, begging me to end their torment. I reach for Meatloaf and take him between my fingers, squeezing his screeching visage lightly as I ask myself if I truly want to insert his blood red orb into my maw. We gaze at one another for minutes that feel like hours, judging the thing before each of us. I can feel his red eyes burning me with their cold candy glare. I leer at him as best I can manage.

That's not defiance but rather me trying to figure out what I am looking at here.

This stalemate is finally broken when I sneeze, which leads me to finally deciding I should just jam him into my mouth before I have any second thoughts.

Eat it now, regret my life decisions later.
Upon inserting the screaming vampire Meatloaf head into my mouth I notice a vague cherry flavour which isn't unpleasant but I find isn't quite as tasty as some other cherry gummy candies. Then I bite into it and the cherry juice filling shoots into my mouth, but I find it doesn't really impress me either. It's not quite as good as the same flavoured candy from the Gushers assortment. I then move on to the grape mummy who I immediately swallow as fast possible, as it tasted rather like cough medicine. Bleh. Then I eat both strawberry coffins, hoping it would clean the taste of the grape from my mouth. It worked, but I must say the flavour of the strawberry coffins wasn't as strong as the cherry abomination or the grape mummy, which is disappointing. The coffins were less mushed though. Finally, I eat the orange werewolf and wow, that was really strong. It started off as a mild orange flavoured gummy but as soon as I bit into it the juice erupted a flavour not unlike orange soda all over my tongue. I then turned back to the Flukeman, deciding to put him out of his misery before I discarded the other two mummies. Let's move onto the Crazy Bones.

These are perfect examples of ideal Halloween candy.
Yes, you may recall me talking briefly about the Crazy Bone lollipops in my article earlier this month, but I felt I needed to give them a proper salute. You see, these lollipops stand out from the pack for a very particular reason. Is it the flavours? No, because those are rather basic offerings. We just get orange, grape, and green apple. Now me, I gotta say the grape isn't that great. But, to be fair, I find most grape candy underwhelming. The selling point with these, if it's not already apparent from the photo above, is made clear on the packaging.

They're severed skeleton limbs dipped in candy. It's so beautiful.
Oh yeah, we're dealing with high level candy magic here. This is the sort of thing kids dream about. Lollipops are great in general, but when you take the boring sticks away and replace them with skeleton limbs they suddenly become so much better. I rip open an orange one and pop it into my mouth to enjoy. Now, I must confess that I am no stranger to these, as I have bought a few bags thus far. They're not overly fruity and the lollipop itself is often a bit melted. But, for being a vaguely fruity piece of candy on a piece of plastic bone, they're really rather tasty. Also, you can pretend you're eating a little man.

AH E'T 'IM AN' AH'LL E'T YEH TUH!
They're tasty fun and I recommend tracking them down while you can, because they won't be around long. I found them at Save-A-Lot, but I'm sure some other places carry them. I know for a fact that they're available online. I'm try to build a bit of a surplus to hold me for a while. Getting down to brass tacks, the gummies, while very fruity, weren't quite as good as I hoped. They weren't awful, but I feel like the only value they have compared to other gummies of their sort is that they have a curious horror locked away in each pouch. The lollipops on the other hand are great and I recommend them once more not just for you but for the trick or treaters who will come around at the close of the month seeking something ghoulishly groovy. Nothing better to surprise them than skeleton limb lollipops. Until next time, I'll be here hoping I don't need insulin after eating all this candy. Later days, bleeders.

And don't forget that the skeleton parts can be easily cleaned and used in creative ways.

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