Monday, July 7, 2014

Top 10 Giant Video Game Monsters

Welcome to my very first top ten and what better way to start things off with than monsters? Yes, good old giant monsters are very much a staple of video gaming. They range from big enough to swallow our heroes whole to large enough to crush entire cities under foot. It's as natural in a game as a plumber who doesn't plumb. So, these are my top 10 picks. Keep in mind they're from games I have played and I have not played every single game there is. Don't agree with my choices? Groovy. But they're still my top choices and I won't be changing my mind. Without further ado, here they are.



#10: Anna Baburowa (Gokujou Parodius: Kako no Eikou wo Motomete)

Words fail me when such beauty is present.
Look at it. Just look at it. That is a true gift from Japan right there. A giant panda in a ballerina's garb that has some sort of creature living on its head. I want Anna to fight everything. Godzilla, Rodan, Gamera, Slattern, Ultraman, Red Baron, Charles Barkley, it doesn't matter! How can you possibly not love the very idea of this wonderful creature? Bless you, Konami, for bringing Anna into the world.

#9: Shadow Teddie (Persona 4)

My body is not ready for this level of horror.
There are few things in games that really tread into being so creepy that I feel bothered by looking at them, but this big bastard certainly falls into that category. God dammit, I am trying not to look at that screenshot just because he bothers me that much. He's literally a hollow shell of the game's lovable character, Teddie, and he houses within him a darkness that seems ready to flow over the player if you make one wrong move. Besides the obvious creepiness, it's also no pushover to fight. Great game, but I can do without ever seeing Shadow Teddie ever again. Eughghh.

#8: Galamoth (Castlevania: Symphony of the Night)

Welp.
Yeah, Castlevania is full of giant monsters out to screw our heroes and heroines' days up, but this one right here really made my jaw drop. He's so damn tall...and fast, oh crap, he is a fast bastard. I died three times just because I couldn't get over him. He's a giant dinosaur/dragon man in armour and he's got Alucard's sweet ass on the menu. I still look at him and remember feeling helpless that first time I saw him. I can only surmise that the many bones that comprise the ceiling are what's left of his previous meals. Other hapless heroes who couldn't cut it. He was satisfying to beat though and definitely prepared me for other such bosses in the future.

#7: Stone Golem (Suikoden II)

The first person that starts singing Queen gets tossed at this thing.
I have learned that when a cutscene introduces an enemy, it's usually not good for you. So when the Stone Golem came shooting out of the ground in a cutscene, I wasn't very happy. Sure, its a really cool looking boss, but I was low on health and only one of my party members had a Sacifical Jizo (an item that revives that person immediately after they die). I knew I was boned. And that's why this ground-concealed colossus is here. It tapped into the fear gamers have when they're faced with an enemy they know will crush them. The situation made me feel helpless and made the fight that much more harrowing. This proves that a solid boss introduction can easily leave an impact that lasts forever.

#6: Rootmars (Metal Slug 3)

Insert horrible vomit sounds here.
Wow, that is rough to look at. I mean, sure it's big but....ugh, just eugfhdhghcfjjf. You can quote me on that. SNK never fails to give the players an impressive selection of screen filling bosses, but this big nasty thing really stands out because of how horrible it looks. I don't mean it's a badly drawn sprite, because it isn't. It's actually one of the most detailed Metal Slug bosses I have ever seen. But it is simply a heinous thing to behold. It catches me off-guard every time I play the game, mostly because I try not to think about it until I have to. Then it's there, making me see its every crevice and cranny as it manhandles me. I'd rather look at the Mars Attacks martians' assholes.

#5: Clawhead (King of the Monsters 2: The Next Thing)

Momma always said I had such a lovely smile.
Picking just one monster from this game is so very hard. It's a great game with tons of creative monster designs that could easily fit an entire countdown. But I went with smile here because, well, he's so interesting to look at. Especially when he looks at you. Yeah, those mouth-eyes of his really help nudge him into this countdown. They're so silly and yet so gross. Does he see everything he eats as he eats it? Can he look into his own stomach? Does he see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch? The world may never know.

#4: Ultros (Final Fantasy VI)

I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!!
Ah, Ultros. If ever there was a creature that truly lived up to the molester stereotype that many tentacled monsters share, it's this pile of tentacles and teeth. Everything about him says he's not just creepy, but he's also seedy. He looks like he wants to sell you illegal porn or ask if your parents are home while breathing heavily over your phone. And he never goes away either. This purple sonnuva bitch comes at you more horny baboons at the zoo. He's left a huge lasting impression on the fans too, as there are countless pieces of fanart out there of him and he even came back to wriggle his tentacles at Lightning in Final Fantasy XIII-2. He still has that toothy grin too. Oh, you dirty old tentacle monster, I can't help loving you...even when you just don't get that no is no.

#3: Kraid (Super Metroid)

He's got bigger tits than Mother Brain.
As the group Starbomb said in their song "Regretroid", this giant piece of alien takes up five screens. You want to really scare a kid, you just throw this thing at them. Holy shit, he's a task that I never even managed to complete. I just could not handle him, no matter how much I tried. I haven't even had the heart to play a Metroid game since then either. He scarred me too badly. Maybe one day I will take up the task once more and finish my duel to the death with this massive space dragon, but for now I make no promises. Kraid, you're one mean mother and I concede victory to you. Also, go buy Starbomb's album, it's pretty awesome and they even sell a physical edition for those who want a copy to possess in hand.

#2: Tiny the Shark (Batman: Arkham City)

This is probably never going to stop hurting.
I have a love/hate relationship with the Arkham series of games. On the one hand, it's incredibly fun and satisfying to play what is essentially a Batman simulator. On the other hand, there's things designed to make you shit your heart out. Tiny is one of those things. They really did a number on me in the first game, let me tell you. Killer Croc's sewer level made me so paranoid that I automatically expected something awful to happen in the sewer in this one. But no, it wasn't until the museum that I found myself embracing the terror as a massive shark crashes through ice to try and munch on my giblets. And he's not a pretty shark either. He's about as ugly as the shark in Jaws 2 after it got all scarred up. Tiny is the Penguin's pet, which is why he's there to plague Batman. When you get to the place to fight the Penguin, he lunges out to eat you one last time, because you're not scared enough at that point. Luckily, he probably won't ever return...I hope.

#1: Behemoth (Blood Will Tell: Tezuka Osamu's Dororo)

I think I just pissed into myself. I created a urinouroboros.
This entire game is hard. I don't care what bullshit story anyone gives you, this is the hardest game I have ever played. I'm not saying I am the best gamer, but I am definitely not the worst. And the feather in the cap of this gangbang of demons kicking your ass is this literal behemoth. This is the game's final boss and it is nearly unbeatable. To even have a chance you have to get a special sword that makes every attack count like five attacks. It's so daunting. Then there is the sheer size of it. That thing is so massive that you can't see all of it on-screen at once unless its very far away. You fight it in stages and if you fuck up, you get to fight it in those stages over and over until you die painfully. It is the sort of monster that can break your spirit, but if you conquer you feel like you're the king of everything. At least, I know I did.

So, that's my list. As I said, you might not agree with it, in which case feel free to share what your picks would be. I'm going to go rest my thumbs now and be thankful that none of these beasties exist in the material world. Later days, Bleeders!

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