Avengers XXX 2: An Axel Braun Parody (2015)

Because I can never stop punishing myself, we've come back to this well.
Years ago I did a review of the Avengers XXX film from director Axel Braun and...I wasn't really a fan. Granted, I'm sure it has fans, as it did its job well enough. It gave geeks the chance to see people playing classic superheroes bump and grind against one another while weaving a somewhat cohesive narrative throughout its runtime. Hell, there is actually an entire Marvel porno cinematic universe now with spin-off films and the like.

They even managed to get the X-Men in their cinematic universe, which I'm sure irks some Disney executives to this very day.
After my original review, I got a lot of people asking if I'd ever follow it up. Now, I technically did when I covered She-Hulk XXX, which I teased at the end of that review. But I still got questions of whether I'd ever talk about the other Braun films. Well, it's Superhero Month now and we're finally going to cover a few more of these films. Spoiler alert: don't expect any Chyna jokes this time, what with her not being in it. Besides, there's only so many times I can mock bad green bodypaint rubbing off during sex. Let's kick this shit off, press play, and see where this sequel takes us.

These costumes are...actually pretty good. I mean, other than the giant X plastered on Cap's chest.
Surprisingly, the movie starts off with action. You know, actual action and not "action" (i.e. fucking). We get shown Captain America and Mockingbird training together with some mild flirting on her part and it gets interrupted by a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent who I'm not sure of the identiy of. Because dammit, if anyone's gonna fucking Captain America in the opening scene, it's gonna be a generic agent who probably is more important but since she was likely introduced elsewhere in the Marvel porno universe, I have no clue. Cue the sex scene!

Yep, that sure is two people dressed as Marvel characters pounding the shit out of each other.
One very messy cumshot later, we continue our epic story as see a CGI helicarrier and are show nthat all of this is happening on said levitating headquarters. The present Avengers throw some sass Cap's way for banging on the job (as if they don't all do that), and I finally learn that the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Cap just applied frosting to is actually Maria Hill. Sorry, I was thrown off by her not having a similar hairstyle...and for her acting anything but bewildered with a superhero. Even when they were romantically attached to one another, she still seemed done with Iron Man. She just doesn't really get along well with the cape scene.

Although she did fuck Captain America in the comics too. Just in a much less "sexy" way.
After a bit too much sass, Nick Fury loses his cool and yells at them to shut up. Well, "yells" is a strong word. It's more like he speaks forcefully at them like a frustrated guidance counselor. Anyway, he introduces them all to the newest Avengers (in the pornoverse), Wasp. He speechifies about how she's been spying on Hydra for them, Iron Man makes a lewd comment about the possibility of Cap banging her, and Fury says he wants her to go brief him in private. yeah, they're probably about to go fuck, aren't they?

Boy, how did I ever see that coming?
It's a good thing her suit is vinyl, because now she just be hosed off after Nick Fury finishes. Moving on from that, they then cuddle and discuss how Captain America is adjusting to the modern world. This teaches me two thing: Fury's a cuddler and I probably should've watched Captain America XXX first. Oops. Eh, continuity shmontinuity, these are movies about fucking in costumes so all the bros who are still bitching about Ms. Marvel now being a teenage girl (whose outfit doesn't have her ass hanging out) can toss off to something besides the newest Frank Miller interview.

I make friends every single time I decide to comment on anything. It's a gift.
Can I just say the weird soft-spoken Fury here is incredibly jarring? I mean, he's a parody of the Samuel L. Jackson Fury, yet he talks so softly that he just feels like a passive aggressive dramaqueen most of the time. But whatever, an alarm goes off, so let's get back to that plot. And remember how I said I feel like I'm missing stuff? Yeah, we suddenly go to a hospital room with our old "pal" Hawkderp all bandaged up. Is this the price he paid for banging She-Hulk? Crap, I wasn't supposed to bring up the Chyna She-Hulk, was I?

Behold, the high cost of "green fever".
In reality, it wasn't his fetish for bad green bodypaint that did him in, but rather his most recent mission. Hawkderp, Ms. Marvel (Carol Danvers, because Axel Braun is at least a somewhat decent human being), and Spider-Man went to investigate an abandoned warehouse that Hydra was supposedly using. And wouldn't you know it? Hydra pops up in there and they look a lot less bargain basement than the heroes. Guess Braun didn't want to throw too much money the Nazis here. Then again, he probably used the Nazi costume budget in the Captain America XXX film. Madame Hydra has a weird bondage mask on though, so I guess that's something. Maybe that means she won't end up with someone's dick in her mouth.

Spoiler alert: I was soooooo wrong.
While Hawkderp and Carol go off to bang privately in a terrorist base, Spidey runs across the badguys who shoot him with a goo gun that turns out to be full of a symbiote, resulting in him getting that sleek black number that so many fans love. He also gets to fuck a terrorist leader in a variety of holes, because why not? After blowing his wad on Madame Hydra, Carol finds him and asks about the costume and we see that not only did he fuck Madame Hydra, she's out cold. So are her henchmen, which makes me wonder if he just fucked them all unconscious.

Deadpool was so mad at Bob afterward. Spidey was supposed to be his, dammit.
She says they need to get that thing off of him after he says it's alive. He reacts in a less than positive manner, taking out his new anger boner on our derpiest of heroes. I'd feel bad about it, but seeing as how I haven't gotten laid in a while and he seems to get his dick wet in every single movie he's in, Hawkderp can eat it. I should point out that, according to the cover of this film, Spidey's black suit is the main plot of the film. The thing that took like an hour and a half to get to. That's some good pacing there. But it's okay, because now our heroes are together and ready to go confront him in Manhattan before he hurts someone we actually care about.

Normally, I would be laughing at how awkward Iron Man looks, but I'm just glad Spidey didn't rape anyone. Allegedly.
Fury says they're all in serious trouble though because apparently Onslaught...wait, are you serious? Fucking Onslaught?! Wow. Okay, a bit ambitious for a porno but...no, wait, false alarm. Iron Man and Thor are being sent after that threat while the actors who can easily unzip are going after Hydra again to investigate "that black shit" they used on Spidey. They awkwardly fight some Hydra goons and the now conscious Madame Hydra but Cap and Mockingbird both get gassed with Wasp escaping to go get help. What happened to Carol?

No worries, she's just off prepping for a threesome with her alien-possessed boyfriend and his catsuit mistress.
I may have snarked too soon though, as we exit the whole Black Cat/Ms. Marvel/Spidey scene and go to Winter Soldier shooting out of a window as the Red Guardian looks on. Now, for those unfamiliar, Red Guardian is a Russian equivalent of Captain America. But see, there's something a little off here because he's usually a big buffed out dude with a shield and here he's missing the shield and is a bit less buff.

It's probably the boob window. He usually doesn't have a boob window.
Man, I haven't seen a confused American get in bed with Russian this quick since Trump ran for office. There, I made a Trump joke, you can all shut up about it now. So yeah, sex scene ahoy. Next stop, Winter comes early. I kid, but he does have one of the fastest cumshots in the film. Back with the actual plot, Hydra has Cap strapped down with a gun to his head and we learn that apparently my rape comment earlier has apparently summoned a gangrape, as Mockingbird is apparently being ravaged by the goons in the next room. Or is she?

Thank fuck, I really didn't want any repeats of the Batgirl XXX experience.
The movie ends with her shooting the camera and I'm now free to dance the dance of the people who aren't watching a fetish film. Final judgement? While this is actually better than the first film, I actually feel like She-Hulk XXX had a stronger narrative to it and was filmed better overall. Yeah, that's right, I'm complimenting the She-Hulk porno. I'm as surprised as you are. In the end, this actually feels more like half of a movie than a complete film, which is saying something considering how fucking long this thing was. Still, I enjoyed this more than Strokemon or Assventure Time, so at least there's that. Now to go rest before I jump back into another superhero porn parody, because there's only so much you can take. Later days, bleeders!

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