Things Worth Streaming

Hey, bleeders! I know it's been a quiet month on the BGAN front. I actually took last year off because December has a way of sapping all of my energy. I think many of you can feel me there. That's why, as you might recall, Shitmas was a January event. I am not putting it off though, there will still be some glouriously terrible and inappropriate holiday based films covered before this month is over. It's just harder to find the time when I feel so out of it. To tide you over though, here's the introduction of a new feature here where I will be listing off a handful of things on streaming services that are well worth your time and I will talk a bit about why that is. I hope you all enjoy it and that maybe it helps you figure out what to watch when you stare at your queue. On with the list!

Ah, like an old friend who has shown up to offer a warm hug, here you are again.

No Holds Barred (1989)
Currently playing on: Netflix / Hulu

In case you're one of those people who doesn't go back a read things from the archives, this movie and I are old friends. So, why should you watch this? Well, other than the fact that it stars Hulk Hogan in his prime essentially just playing a thinly veiled version of himself, it also has a gloriously over the top villain who doesn't just want to beat our wrestling hero in the ring...he wants to kill him. It's schlocky and downright insane, features Hulk Hogan's ass, and has what may be one of the greatest moments in the history of insane moments where the Hulkster literally scares the shit out of someone. Please, go watch it. I won't ever say it's a good movie, but it is so amazingly entertaining to see that not watching it really would only be doing yourself a disservice.

It's Luc Besson, so you know it's probably going to be beautiful and rip your heart out.

Léon: The Professional (1994)

Currently playing on: Netflix

This movie is, quite honestly, my all time favourite film ever. I mean that. I am a massive fan of Jean Reno and this movie only cements why, as he plays the role of the emotionally vulnerable titular character. He's a total bad-ass, mind you, but at his core he's just a man with broken heart trying to avoid letting anyone get close enough to do it again. Also, he's a professional assassin. He ends up taking in a orphaned girl and the two damaged people gradually find love together in their very complicated lives. It's like Harold & Maude, but with more guns, death, and Gary Oldman being as over the top as possible in the role of the villain. This movie is a pure masterpiece and I cannot recommend it highly enough. Watch it, please. Just don't be shocked if you find yourself with the desire to own it afterward.

Because you really don't need to sit through another Michael Myers film. Trust me.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
Currently playing on: Shudder

As a horror fan, it's hard to find truly engaging and original works in the genre. There are so many examples of movies in the genre that were crapped out to fit a certain idea of what horror actually is rather than there being any real attempt at a good film. And then there's this movie, which didn't just introduce a new spin on the slasher subgenre but it did something that is rarely ever done well: it let us bond with the antagonist. Yes, this movie centers around Leslie Vernon and his desire to be the next big slasher. As such, he invites a film crew to follow him around as he goes through the process of preparing for his big night where he enters the hallowed halls of masked and or scarred killers. This movie is funny, endearing, creepy, and just great to behold. It both pays homage to the genre while also poking fun at it. Then, when you think it's nothing more than simple parody, it delivers a true slasher movie experience. Check it out, because I can promise you it's better than sitting through another cookie-cutter slasher movie.

Do it for the 1980s. Do it for the dinosaurs. Do it for the Hoff.

Kung Fury (2015)
Currently playing on: Netflix / YouTube

I don't want to say too much in depth here about this one, as I actually do plan of giving it a proper review once the Blu-ray comes out. What I will say is this: it's a short and beautiful tribute to the 1980s that revels in the ridiculous to such an extent that you can't help but love it. This movie is what many filmmakers who desperately attempt to channel the 1980s style are going for, yet often fail to ever approach the level of. What I am saying is that Kung Fury is the standard by which all of these films should be measured. It's short, it's fun, and it's available to watch right now. Go for it and prove that you're a true survivor.

Go watch it, you farging corksocker!

Johnny Dangerously (1984)
Currently playing on: Netflix / Amazon Prime

Remember that critically acclaimed film, Birdman? The one everyone was going crazy for? Yeah, this isn't that movie. But it does have the same star, Michael Keaton, and he really does shine here in this spoof on gangster films that really hits all the right notes that many modern parodies are tone-deaf to. We follow Johnny as he grows up from a good kid with a loving mother and an idealistic younger brother to a prominent figure in the underworld who runs a night club. It's hilarious and I feel like a lot of younger fans who only really know Keaton from his more dramatic work should really check this out, because he's always been great in comedy. Not only that, but it also has a great theme song by Weird Al Yankovic that is probably one of his lesser known works. Go watch Birdman too though, because there's a reason why all us critics were chatting that one up so hard.

"Wait, they made a movie about me?"

That's it for this first entry in the Things Worth Streaming series. When should you expect a new one? Probably whenever I feel so beat down by things in real life that I need to take a stroll down memory lane to recall that there are movies out there that don't exist just to make me curse angrily. I hope you all enjoyed this and I assure you that Shitmas will be carrying on. As a matter of fact, it's going to be carrying on until the end of January. So yeah, merry Shitmas, bleeders!

Totally a real hat and not a badly edited photo at all.