Sunday, December 20, 2015

Star Ballz (2001)

Yes, I've heard your requests for something Star Wars related and it's not a surprise as to why. The new movie just dropped and we've all got that Star Wars fever. I haven't had the pleasure of seeing it yet because I am stuck here doing the same things I've been doing in preparation for the oncoming holiday in which people give other people decoratively wrapped gifts. I think it involves Coca-Cola somehow. But yes, Star Wars. You all wanted me to cover something for the opening weekend.

Salacious Crumb has taken to refusing to leave the upper branches of my tree until I do, as well.

And, as it is that time of year, we all know what you expected and probably even wanted me to do. You wanted me to talk about that piece of Star Wars history that George Lucas loathes entirely. You know, the one with Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur in it. But see, I am not one to do the expected. I prefer to not be the following act to Jon Jafari and Brad Jones who both covered that special this year. No, instead we're going to talk about another film that George Lucas tried to wipe away. An animated porno film spoof. A really badly animated porno spoof where anime characters play Star Wars characters.

Yes, this is real and not something I made up in a fever dream.
This movie is the sort of thing one hears about without ever asking. Its existence is forced upon you, leaving you questioning whether there is still good in the world. Goku has a dicksaber. Bloody hell, I need alcohol. But no, I get no crutch for this movie so we're going into this sober. By the way, I wasn't joking earlier about Lucas. Lucasfilm actually tried to sue them for shitting this one out, but the judge allowed this thing to exist. The judicial system fails us again. Now...I guess it's time to take in all that is...Star Ballz.

It's times like these that people get alcohol poisoning.
The movie begins by showing us the logo, following by a large ass. Oops, sorry, that's a moon. A full moon. HAHAHAHAH. And what should happen but glowing light semen then starts flying towards the ass-shaped moon, because that's what we're in for here. Do you honestly think I am making any of this up? Do you think I have the capacity to care enough to make this up? Look.

This is the dark path I have led us all down.
As the ship flies past, we observe that it has a vagina and that the sperm-shots are being fired by a ship shaped like an erect penis. One shot hits it directly in the vagina and it ceases flying away and literally points arrows at the vagina for the penis ship to fly into it. Oh my fucking god, are we really seeing this right now? Are these two ships actually about to fuck in space? WHO FINDS THIS EROTIC?!?! As soon as the ship impales the other ship, we immediately flash to Princess Sailor Leia Moon screaming like she just had a large dick thrust in to her, so I can only assume the entire ship must be her vagina.

She must spend a fortune on douching that thing.
After that, and the princess screaming in slow motion, the rest of the ship explodes off, revealing it to be shaped vaguely like a woman. I mean, it has tits. I am looking a spaceship with arms, legs, a head, a vagina, and two tits. I haven't done acid in years but this movie makes me feel like I must be on it right now. We see the...Spermtroopers....start boarding the ship as they're ordered to set their guns to "full load". I take it all back, I now want an Axel Braun parody in the worst way. These puns are going to kill me. I feel like the scriptwriter has a dick-shaped knife to my jugular. Let's get back to those Spermtroopers.

What a bunch of dicks.
They march forward with their jankily animated legs and we get a brief glimpse of the droids...R2-D2 is clearly Pikachu, but I have no clue what the hell C3PO is meant to be, but he seems to have tits too. It's at this point I wonder why all the character don't just have massive yabbos, because clearly that is the creative center of this film. Also, the princess runs by in full Sailor Moon regalia, which I guess what just borrowed from their last production out of laziness? Oh yeah, these people made more than one movie.

It has the same amount of wonderful quality on display too.
But, it turns out I was wrong, as the sailor I saw run by was actually one of the many female guards on the ship who are all wearing that classic Sailor Scout uniform. After they exchange some bad jokes ("go for the money shot, boys"...ugh...) the two groups begin shooting at one another and it leads nowhere. Really, it just fades out and we join the droids as the sexually ambiguous (and rather ugly) C3PO stand-in shakes its ass to try and distract the guards (apparently) but this seems to have gotten Pifucku (yep) in the mood. You know, I expected some things out of this, but I didn't expect to see Pikachu as a robot fucking another really ugly robot in the ass. Well, thankfully, Pifucku decides to pass on that golden booty and we go to the princess saying she must get to him to insert her analgram. Then she just starts murdering the Spermtroopers like she's John Rambo.

But with tits. We can't forget those giant damn tits.
She does take time out to quote John McClane though and we get a Saving Private Ryan reference...wait, did these writers go on to work on the Scary Movie and it's derivative movies? Because it would make a lot of sense. Anyway, we get a very brief introduction to our villain. It's Darth Vader with Mickey Mouse ears and a red bow tie. He immediately falls over and the Spermtroopers laugh at him. At least somebody is laughing. The princess then find Pifucku and jams a dildo in his ass, because apparently that's how analgrams work. I know lots of people who are pros at sending analgrams, I guess. From there the droids leave to into the ass moon. There's an awful ot of focus on assplay in this.

And look, a Thelma & Louise reference! Because that's totally not going to be dated & pertains to Star Wars. Yep.
We're barely 6 minutes into this movie. The princess resumes murdering Spermtroopers, Darth Mickey shoots her in the back, and we go back to the droids because clearly we really want more of them. Then what might be the strangest thing happens. We focus on some guy hanging on a wall. It just stops on him. Then the fucking droid makes a joke about him being well hung. HAHAHAHAH. HAH. SO FUCKING FUNNY.

My sides are positively splitting in amusement.
C3POHGODITSUGLY's face turns into a biker, for some reason that I am sure is meant to be hilarious and we see three women in bikinis licking wineglasses and rubbing one another. Is there a point to any of this? Is any of this supposed to be attractive? Is this turning anyone on? For fuck's sake, I am so confused I think my penis just hurt itself.

IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!
After that's inexplicably over (a scene that led nowhere, what a huge shock) we get brought back to the ship where we can watch Darth Mickey jerk off over the unconscious princess' ass with Darth Nipples and some Spermtroopers watch. Why Darth Nipples? Because it's Darth Maul with nipples on his head instead of horns. They movies isn't trying to be creative, so why should I? After he blows his load, which is generally what happens when someone jerks off, the soldiers all laugh...because ejaculation is funny now? Are they trying to make a premature ejaculation joke here? Because it doesn't explain that very well. He didn't say he was attempting to get hard or anything that would imply that he wasn't simply trying to cum all over the sleeping Princess Sailor Leia Moon. Whatever, I don't have time for that because now they're literally wrench in Joe Pesci's Casino rant. Are you fucking kidding me?

"I'm what counts out here. Not your fuckin' stupid spoof or your fuckin' flat jokes. And what the fuck are you doin' in porn anyhow?"
They take her off to jail, we get another "timeless" joke, and another inmate flings some semen on her to which she reacts with delight. This movie is less that an hour long but it honestly feels like it will never end. Also, she talks without her lips moving sometimes, because the animation is just that good. The two Spermtroopers come in to lead her somewhere, but it just results in more flat jokes, them smacking her around, and that making her horny. Then she sucks them off, because why not? We may as well have some actual porn in this thing at some point, right? But it's a very short scene, which means that this porn parody is rather light on actual porn thus far. Getting their dicks licked and jerked knocks them out, she runs off to find a dick doorknob (yes, really), and Darth Mickey shows up to actually fuck her. In only took a fourth of the movie's runtime to get to an actual sex scene.

I wonder if he's actually going to fuck her or if her nipples being pinched will knock him out too.
Now's the point where I will point out that the characters being spoofed here (at least partially) are father and daughter. Because even when it's a parody that it honestly one of the worst I have seen, there's still got to be some incest or rape in there. Of course, he cums before he even gets inside of her and then the Spermtroopers fuck her instead. I wish one would stick one her mouth because her voice actress is tedious as hell. I get my wish eventually, except she still keeps fucking talking with it in there. God dammit. The droid ship crashes, for some unspecified reason, and the humans keep fucking until the cumshot happens, then it's back to the droids. A package gets dropped in front of them and inside is....the head of Jar Jar Binks.

I suppose someone might find this funny. If they were high. Also, SE7EN reference, because fuck you.
Even the droids think that joke is stupid. Then a bunch of gnomes in robes (those are not Jawas) run after them after C3PDoh downloads an mp3 illegally. Topical. I wonder if there's also going to be a joke about Princess Diana dying. What? That was in the 90s too and it would be about as funny as moist of these jokes have been. They talk about how anyone who steals mp3s should die and suffer, because that's totally a reasonable reaction. Now is where the late 90s really vomit everywhere as Mulder and Scully walk into a cantina run by the Fox X-Men movie version of Mystique. Scully shows her tits, they wander off to fuck, and Mystique turns into Kid Rock and sings to some multi-cocked aliens.

Fuck my entire life.
Scully then appears in front of him, sucking him off while Mulder says "I don't want to believe". I promised myself I would make it through this movie and I will do it no matter how badly it makes me want to scream into the night for a reprieve. Cheech Marin's crier from From Dusk Till Dawn shows up, because that movie also came out in the 90s so let's throw in another reference that makes no sense, the Men in Black shuffle past the outside of the cantina, and finally Han Goku wanders into the story. Wait...did they just show Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World with giant fucking heads sitting there while they go on about wanting to get laid?

Who needs logic when you can just toss everything from the 1990s into your porn spoof of a 1970s film.
Goku refers to C3PUghhhh as a "hot chick in suspenders" and they flip a coin over who gets the pleasure of fucking her. Are you serious? The robot Joan Rivers in Spaceballs was more attractive than that abomination, partially because she actually had some sort of personality and a face that didn't look like it was going to molest your kids. But whatever, Chewbacca gets to fuck the "hot chick" and Goku fucks Pifucku, which causes the analgram to play for them. The princess says that only a horny fucker like him can save her and offers herself as payment. I hope he doesn't mind sloppy thirtieths. They get on the ship and the kid from The Shining rides by...this movie is physically hurting me now. What next? A Mission: Impossible movie reference?

Finding something that is actually funny in this movie is the true Mission: Impossible.
We then get a slow drawn out scene of her avoiding the lasers in her cell, taking every chance to show off her vagina, ass, and tits while Goku drools. It results in giving him a boner, which sets off the lasers, and they all run. The alarm sounds and...alright, the alarm actually made me chuckle. It's just a guy screaming repeatedly into a mic. But then it goes on so long that it stops being funny and just gets grating. Then they turn the corner and...it's fucking Jar Jar Binks sticking out of a hole screaming repeatedly.

Meesa being telling you to enjoy your nightmares, everyone. Okeeday?
Goku opens the door next to him, quotes Jack Nicholson from the Shining, and we see some sort of army of Xenomorph/Terminator hybrids with Mickey ears. And they start dancing while Jar Jar keeps...fucking...screaming... My eye is literally twitching and I fear it won't stop. One of the Xenoterminators walks forward and we see why Jar Jar is screaming. First, we observe that Jar Jar is woman here with large breasts. Second, the fucking Xenoterminators are ramming their bitey tongure into Jar Jar's vagina.

Yep, that would do it.
Guess what? That leads nowhere. Those things don't attack the heroes. Pointless scenes in a pointless spoof. Woo. They continue running until they get cornered (even though there is clearly a door they didn't even attempt to open) and the princess squeezes into a hole she gets stuck in. Han Goku decides it's at this point that he should begin fucking her while she protests. Ah, yes, there's the rape. I knew we'd get there eventually. We were almost there when Darth Mickey jerked off over her, but now the circle is complete. Incest and rape. David Penava can go fuck himself. He fucks her for a while, she falls through the hole, they follow, they complain about literally standing in shit, and then Goku wants to fuck some more because nothing turns him on more than being ankle deep in human refuse. She obliges and they fuck while standing in shit. Beautiful.

I'm sure it's true love.
Chewbacca feels left out, so he picks up Wilson (the ball from Castaway) and fucks it. Yes, the just referenced a Tom Hanks movie about a man going partially insane due to being alone on an island just so a wookie could put his dick into a ball. A woman appears and says they're adorable together. I'm sure she's meant to be recognizable but the animation is so bad I can't place her. Then the walls close in, stop just shy of crushing them, and dicks come out of the walls. Oh boy, I wonder what will happen next? The princess starts sucks and jerking them off. She is fellating dicks that came out of the walls of a sewer/garbage area. I'm sure that won't lead to any sort of diseases. Who am I kidding, she's probably got more STDs than this movie has sex scenes. Goku decides he doesn't want to suck wall dicks, so he find a vent and gets dropped down onto Monica Lewinski sucking the president's dick.

I don't know if I can handle any more of these timeless references.
Oh yeah, and apparently that was actually him entering his mind...like in Being John Malkovich. Fuck you, movie, this isn't how you spoof Star Wars! Anywho, Goku then finds a toilet and crawls into it, because I guess he figures everything else here is shit, so he may as well be shit too. But no, this happens because they need to reference Eminem's Stan music video, complete with a midi version of the song. And if think I'm wrong, the fucking car from the video floats past him. The car a psychotically deranged man stuck his pregnant wife into the back of before driving them both off into the water because his deep emotional need to talk to and have the attention of his idol led to him losing his mind.

COMEDY!!!
If that wasn't enough, he says he sees dead people right before half the Titanic floats by and we get a close-up of Jack from Titanic beating on a window drowning. But wait, there's more! Because we go back to the car, now falling to the bottom completely where the trunk comes open and...no...really? You went there? Stan's dead pregnant wife floats out of the trunk. Hilarious. Truly, David Penava is the comic genius this world deserves. The alien from The Abyss shows up to save Han Goku, meaning that our writer has actually seen something outside of the late 90s, and that somehow leads Goku back to the others. Why isn't this over yet? The run some more, fight the bad guys, Goku jams a lightsaber up Darth Mickey's ass, Chewbacca shits himself, and we get more unfunny jokes. They escape and we get a final long sex scene that is about as boring as this movie is funny. Oh wait, no we get an "after credits" scene as George Lucas is seen getting a blowjob from Jar Jar Binks.

Gee, I wonder why Lucas might've wanted to sue them over this?
This movie is over and I would love to say I'm happy, but all smiles have evaporated from my face. I really need to go watch something good now just so I can remember that good things do actually exist. For a porn parody, this focuses less on the porn and more on the parody. Normally I would be happy, because I prefer the funny scenes in porn. The problem is that there aren't any funny scenes. Not to mention that almost none of this shit actually parodies Star Wars, because they decided to jam in as many references to the 1990s in there as were possible when you're a shitty animated production that makes Foodfight look good by comparison. At no point was this movie good or even entertaining. It honestly may be simultaneously one of the worst spoofs and pornos that I have ever sat through. Yes, seeing this was actually worse than watching a man tongue-fuck Chyna. I never thought I would say that.

That still doesn't mean I wanna see that shit!
Then there's the fact that the creator of this movie decided to throw shit like a dead pregnant woman in here, which really sets this movie on the lowest rung of the spectrum of shitty porn spoofs. This movie is a forgotten relic of the 90s and that is a well-earned status as it has nothing of value to anyone. The animation is some of the worst I've ever scene, the acting is fucking terrible even by dubbed hentai standards, and the story is nearly nonexistent (much like the porn itself). The sex scenes are either too brief to matter or too long and drawn out to the point where you just want it to get on with it so you can go do something else. It's not funny at any point and I sincerely hope David Penava gets punished for making this at some point. I really do mean that whole-heartedly. So, until I drag myself once more through the much and mire to bring you another shitty movie, I'll be here trying to scrub this movie off. Later days, bleeders.

It's a good thing he didn't make like six other films or anything...

No comments:

Post a Comment