|You think I'm joking, but this is a real comic that even has an animated adaptation. Welcome to my world.|
Jeph Loeb made me simply stop giving a shit about the Ultimate Marvel line all on his own by writing two mini-series featuring characters acting completely out of character, meaningless shock deaths, and a lot of terrible writing in general. This one man ruined my enjoyment of an entire universe. Do you realize how hard that is? I actually read Image Comics during the 90s and kept up with the bollocks going on over in the Extreme Studios line of books without ever feeling like I should give up on them as a whole. It's even worse when you think about the fact that Loeb actually is a good writer. This is the man who wrote Batman: The Long Halloween, what I personally believe to be the greatest Batman story ever written.
|Frank Miller and all of his fanboys can feel free to fight me over the fact that I have better taste than they do.|
|Because you can totally see how a guy can go straight from being a selfless hero to a rapist henchman, right?|
|Maybe one day we'll talk about Kirkman's run in detail, which will probably be littered with more Loeb-based bitching.|
- Colossus was gay.
- Dazzler was a punk rocker rather than a disco singer.
- Cable was Wolverine from the future.
- Captain America was kind of a dick.
- Juggernaut had a thing for Rogue.
- The Fantastic Four were teenagers who went to the N-Zone to get their powers.
- Dr. Doom had goat legs and acid-vomit. Seriously.
- Apocalypse was a voice in a guy's head.
- Spider-Woman was a clone of Spider-Man.
- Gwen Stacy died and got brought back via alien symbiote.
- Green Goblin was a big hulking monster who was on fire all the time.
- Spider-Man and Kitty Pryde dated.
|Sabretooth was also just a shittier version of Wolverine too. He wore ear necklaces.|
|Because nothing is better than calling your audience a bunch of losers, right?|
|Maybe he just needed to work with a better artist? Because Art Adams never disappoints.|
|Mark Millar felt it necessary that we know Hulk's stance on sexuality in the most subtle of ways.|
|Yes, I know, this from later on but it still highlights how supportive and strong she's always been.|
|I imagine this is how the fan reaction to my statement might go.|
|Millar writing about assholes with powers. What an original idea that totally hasn't been done to death.|
|The page that launched a million memes.|
|With his head like that, I can't help but wonder if he'll end up narfeling the Garthok.|
|Except for ol' Goatlegs. He's beautifully silly and I love him.|
|This is the version of Reed Richards that got used in the new movie. Remember that.|
|Somehow coming back from the dead also managed to make Peter resemble Arin Hanson, which makes this the second time I've ran across a doppelganger of him.|
|Unless you think making a beloved hero into a symbol of everything he hates about America is cool. Right, Mr. Millar?|
|But hey, maybe you like seeing stupid things. I'm not here to judge you for having shitty taste.|
|Like Ultimate Kevin Smith, who is apparently a mutant.|
|And please, let me never have to encounter a spider that large ever. I enjoy having unsoiled pants.|