Hello and welcome to a new feature here on BGAN. Those of you who both to watch our videos over on YouTube may be familiar with Cameron, who has long been my partner in crime. He expressed a desire to drop his hat into the reviewing arena and, as he's done a lot for me, I couldn't say no. He's a part of this whole mess, so he deserves to talk about crappy movies too. Until he gets his own account set-up on here, I'm posting this first review on his behalf and just generally being his hype man. So, without further ado, take it away, Cameron!
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And please, keep your fingers away from the writer at all times. He bites. |
Ugh... I really don't want to do this guys... this
movie is such shit that one review alone is not enough. So, I, Cameron,
am writing another review on this crap. (Put a link to yours here dude)
The
movie is, another, of Fantastic Four's origin. As told by someone with
whom good storytelling is a vague and mysterious thing, Josh Trank.
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Sometimes the truth hurts, Joshy. |
Now,
I will say that I enjoyed Chronicle. It was a bit cliched, but I still
enjoyed it for what it was. This...
thing however, is cliched to
the point of being tragic. I feel bad for Trank; it's almost as if he's
gonna become another Shyamalan, starting out relatively strong, then
blowing out like a virgin at an orgy.
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Unlike with how most virgins are though, he didn't improve over time. |
This mostly starts with a bit of a prequel, set in 2007.
Two thousand fucking seven!
Ben and Reed are in fifth grade. Since fucking when did I become older
than Reed Richards? His gray hair wasn't a fashion sense people, it was
the fact he was older than Brian and had a stressful job! These actors,
who aren't terrible mind, are just too fucking young to be Dr. Richards
and Co. That being said, lets just move on to the others. Micheal B.
Jordan is Johnny Storm. What. The.
SHIT!? I don't have a big
problem with changing characters race, but for God's sake, it has to
make logical sense! Johnny and Sue are siblings, but now she is
apparently adopted. And the dad is, I suppose Dr. Storm. Apparently, he
and Sue have been working on
interdimensional
travel. And here I was thinking they got their powers from space stuff,
I was wrong, it seems.
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Which just makes the spacesuits even more confusing, especially when they don't have them on later when they're in the same place. |
Anyway, Reed and Ben invented a device that
sends stuff and can bring it back. Dr. Storm can't, apparently. Proving
once again that two teenagers in a garage can do more than a whole lab
of scientists with millions of dollars in funding. (Another picture
here, maybe of a fancy lab captioned "Foiled once again!" or something)
Dr. Storm offers Reed a scholarship, because Ben isn't worth the money,
even though he has a clear understanding of collage level engineering.
Class-ism at its finest. Viktor Doom, who is also like fucking 19, and
is never once called doctor, has been working on this
interdimensional
since he was 8.
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Maybe he got a doctorate in being the most adorable kid? |
He's kind of an asshole, but his becoming the villain
doesn't mesh with how they made him in this schlock, as he's an
environmentalist. For some reason that isn't even spoken of. Lastly, Johnny
is a risk taker, as seen in his totally not a stereotype intro scene
where he is, honestly, street racing. Dr. Storm is portrayed as a bad dad and I
can find no other reason for him to be other than he's a black guy. Is
that a law? Black dads have to be shit at actually fathering?
Whatever...
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He's a scientist, but something must be off! He's black! Better make him a shitty dad, right? |
He forces Johnny to work with the others to pay for fucking up
his car. They make a big version of Reed's machine and send a CG monkey
there and back. The military decides they want it, so Reed, Viktor, and
Johnny do some underage drinking, call Ben for no reason really, and
they all got to the other dimension. Just because they can. Because
clearly sending a robot to test the place first is out of the question.
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We don't need your kind around here!! |
They
go, Viktor falls in green science goo, Johnny gets caught on fire, Ben
gets pelted with rocks and Reed is trying to get them back. Sue helps
them from Earth, because apparently video and audio feeds can travel
across dimensions, they explode back to Earth and somehow Sue turns
invisible. They get taken to Area 57, six whole areas better than 51,
and are examined. Reed escapes, telling Ben he'll be back when he
figured out how to fix him. Ben agrees to become a, no kidding, super
solider for the military, eg. typical military shit in movies.
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You mean that isn't an original idea?! How shocking! |
Its a
year later and fucking nothing happens. This middle part is so ungodly
boring, I nearly fell asleep. Talk, talk, science babble, science
babble. Oh shit, Reed is in South America, who could've guessed?! Ben
goes and gets him, saying how dare you leave me. Their conflict goes
nowhere, by the way. Its all of one paragraph how Ben feels shorted by
this.
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"REED, YOU ASS...nah, it's fine. I'm cool." |
They decide to go back, for some weak reason that we can mine
the other world for minerals. They send actual scientists this time and
they find Viktor still alive, but with his protective suit fused with
him. Huh, and here I was thinking that Doom was fused with metal, but
its apparently really shiny cloth and polyester.
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"The other villains teased me...they called me Hubcap..." |
Viktor,
who I refuse to call Doom, because the movie sure as hell didn't, breaks
up the lab, blowing people's heads up like Tetsuo. Allow me to repeat
that, VIKTOR VON DOOM IS POPPING HEADS LIKE ZITS!!! What the ever loving
hell is this? Elfen Lied?
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The resemblance is uncanny. |
Viktor
returns to the other world and starts ripping off the Avengers ending by
sucking Earth into the wormhole. Then, finally, we get some superheroing! Yeah, kick
his ass!! Wait... that's it? The climax of this movie's lasted shorter
than my own climax when I lost my virginity!! And that's it? Fuck me... this
movie ended like my first time too. Shaky, too fast, and making me want
to drink.
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"You never called..." |
In summation, DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE!! I'm glad my dad got me
in to see this for free, because otherwise I'd have demanded my money
back. Do not watch this shit. Ever. Unless you're some kind of
masochist, in which case start calling this movie Mistress, because a
harsher one I've never seen. Watch the 1994 one guys, at least that one
is laughably bad... Later days guys!
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You heard the man. He didn't stutter. |
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