Bigfoot (2012)

I may not be able to talk about Mega Shark Versus Kolossus, but some people were nice enough to remind me that The Asylum had no shortage of giant monster movies, so i may as well choke down another one before this month is over. What did I pick? How about a Bigfoot movie? Yeah, normally he's strictly in the regular monster/cryptid category, but thanks to The Asylum, he's now snuck into Kaijuland. This means I get to talk about a big hairy monster that isn't a giant gorilla or a tarantula.

Oh joy.

Directed by Bruce Davison, this isn't merely another story about Bigfoot. No, this is a story about two really terrible characters being idiots and it's also about Bigfoot, who kills many other idiots while those other two whine. I could review this movie in one sentence, but you deserve the full treatment, because then maybe you will know better than to watch this steaming pile.

Spoiler alert: I didn't like this movie. I hope Harry shits on it.

The movie starts off as we see nature working along its natural course, with living things eating one another, which ultimately leads to a hunter aiming a rifle at a bear. Oh lord, did I accidentally put in Grizzly III: The Bearening by mistake? Nope, he just kills the bear so we can then feel no remorse when Bigfoot shows up to kill him. Yeah, because I was really emotionally invested in that character. Pardon me, but it really is hard not to point out that this movie has no likable characters. Not a single one. It does have one good thing going for it though.

Alice Cooper is in this turd.

Yep, so with that knowledge, I let out a heavy sigh and prepared to suffer because I happened to really enjoy the album Hey Stoopid. We then get introduced to one of our idiots, played by Danny Bonaduce. He plays a local radio personality named Harley Anderson and he's prepping for a big 1980s rock festival, despite the frosty weather. Because when I think of great places for 1980s rock festivals, I think of South Dakota and Danny Bonaduce. He cruises over to the site where they need to clear out some trees for the concert, which is understandable and he does say he'll plant new trees. But no, it's still a terrrible atrocity against nature and someone must stop this 80s revival!

I don't mean the trees...I mean the fact that Michael Bay now wants to do a Thundercats movie! Priorities, people!!

Out of the woods, they come like locusts! Hippies! And who leads these tree-huggers? None other than Barry Williams, playing Simon Quint. Hold up...is the only reason this movie exists because someone wanted Danny Partridge and Greg Brady to be in a movie together where they hate each other? Oh fuck, that's it, isn't it? This movie is nothing more than a really terrible fanboy brawl that no one was clamouring for. I don't know if I can do this. My heart feels weak. I think this may be the big one! Nah, not really, it's going to take a much shittier movie than this to kill me. Bearing that in mind, it'll probably be something Michael Bay directs. But let's get back to the lamest match-up of the century.

I hope they get eaten by Bigfoot. The Creature or the truck, whatever works.

Greg Brady and his regiment of hippies run out, chaining themselves to the construction equipment, which puts them in danger and could easily lead to someone getting ran over or dragged behind the equipment. But they must save the trees! You know, the ones that Bigfoot's just going to knock down later anyway so he can use a few to scratch his ass. We must save Bigfoot's butt scratchers!

Obvious joke, ahoy! I'm sorry, but I'm tired so this is what you get.

The cops show up, the boys get pissy with each other, Greg's girlfriend nearly gets dragged behind one of those dangerous construction vehicles that they so smartly chained themselves to, and Danny talks about how he fucked Greg's mom. What a wonderful cast of characters. But they're not our only main characters, as we also have the two cops trying to keep the peace. One of which is played by Sherilyn Fenn, meaning that she must be here for the 1980s festival. The other cop is the wise old one who is meant to be the heart of the movie and he's played by the director. Glad to see he got to nurse that messiah complex while also making a movie with obvious eco theming. Just a reminder, folks, that this is the same guy who wanted something done to that pesky mutant problem in the first X-Men film.

That is, he did until he turned into a living water balloon.

They break up the idiots and the plot trods along, eventually getting us to Bigfoot again. He kills the workers and some people in an RV, mostly because he was really angry that Johnny Bago got cancelled years ago while The Bachelor is still running.

I'd rather be watching that too.

Danny is told something bad is going on, but he ignores it, because he subscribes to the Mayor from Jaws school of logic. The festival gets going finally, but it's mostly pretty lame. Danny gets Greg to cool his jets by saying he can perform and make an impassioned message about the trees, but the audience ends up booing him off stage because his song sucks, which is kinda what Danny expected to happen. He then introduces Alice Cooper, who plays something that doesn't sound anything like one of his songs because SyFy is too cheap to actually get the rights to use those, it seems. Bigfoot hears the music and starts eating people who just really wanted to use the port-a-potty. Everyone flees, Alice Cooper gets killed in a very boring fashion, and Bigfoot kills a guy in a Bigfoot costume. Now the secret is out: Bigfoot is real and he really isn't a people person.

Unless we're counting eating people. He seems to dig that.

From here on it's a race to see who can be more stupid! Danny wants to catch (or kill and stuff) the monster to turn into an attraction and Greg wants to save it so it can be placed in a preserve. In the meantime some idiots venture out into the woods to take pictures of Bigfoot for money and they all get smashed to shit. Guess that was a terrible idea, yes? Danny gets a hunter buddy of his to round up some boys and go hunting, but it goes about as well, with all of them being brutally killed by the hairy CGI monster. Only Danny and the lead hunter escape where they concoct a plan to steal Greg's tranquilizer darts. This leads to Greg stupidly not checking if he still has those darts before venturing out into the woods, which results in a lot of dead hippies.

It's their fault for taking all of his beef jerky. Bigfoot doesn't do vegan, dammit.

Greg and Officer Fenn get away while Danny and his helicopters the mayor bought for him go after the monster, which results in one helicopter getting smashed and more people dying. Danny and Greg end up finally having it out, with Greg revealing he fucked Danny's mom too, meaning they're both assholes who fuck their former best friend's mom. In the final act, Greg's girlfriend he barely pays attention to ends up getting killed by Bigfoot (who he still wants to save), Sheriff Director dies, both of the former teen idols end up on Mount Rushmore fighting each other while Bigfoot lumbers around, Danny falls and Greg tries to save him. Do they both fall, ending our misery?

Then they can both be on Haunted Highway as spirited guest stars.

Nope, something much more ridiculous happens. Greg reaches out for Bigfoot's hand, hoping the beast will pull them both up. The same creature that murdered all of his activist friends and his girlfriend. Bigfoot reaches out, most likely to bite both of their heads off, but then a missile strike that was called in hits the mountain and all three die. The movie closes one year later with the mayor showing off a new monument built: a statue of the two idiots standing together, because he says they saved them all from the threat of Bigfoot. Yeah, the military missile strike didn't have anything to do with it, I guess.

"I wonder if Charlie Sheen wants to make The Wraith 2..."

This movie was awful. It was more stupid than Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus and its environmental message gets lost in that stupidity to the point where it feels more like it's really here to show environmentalists in a wholly negative light, as the main one in the film got countless people killed with his idiotic crusade to save a monster that loved biting the heads off of people. The only enjoyable parts are the scenes where we see Bigfoot killing these morons, but even they go by too quickly to truly be very entertaining.

Even Bigfoot didn't seem like he wanted to be in this movie.

In the end, the whole thing was a very dumb movie that clearly only existed so Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams could make a running gag about the whole fucking each other's mother thing, which wasn't funny! It's the sort of humour a drunk fratboy asshole would find hilarious, mostly because it involves being an asshole. And while I can get behind some good asshole humour, this isn't funny and just comes off as mean-spirited and a bit disrespectful to their TV mothers who the jokes was clearly meant to bring to mind, as they were both attractive women. All in all, this movie just felt like a waste of my time that I think would've been better suited to going out of town to find a copy the fourth Mega Shark movie, because there is no way that thing is worse than this. So, until we get a sequel to this thing where Shirley Jones and Florence Henderson piss on that friggin' statue, I'll be here wishing I still drank so I could drink away the memory of this pile of excremental nonsense. Later days, bleeders.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch something with Bigfoot in it that is actually good.