|And here's the moment when I lose all of my credibility.|
This is likely due to a combination of DVRs not existing yet and me spending more time hanging out with friends. But I have been slowly revisiting them and I find them honestly very inspiring. So, maybe consider this a small tribute to them? I haven't seen their episode riffing it, but it's probably better that I don't until after I do, otherwise I'm just going to second guess myself. So yes, I do know that this has been done before, but I'm going to give it a shot anyway. The other thing needed to be said about this movie going into it is that it is a Mexican film. Now, while this isn't really a bad thing as a rule...they cranked a lot of bad movies. Especially in the era this particular film came out. And not surprisingly, more than a few of them were helmed by René Cardona. Not only that, but his son also followed in his footsteps. Bearing all that in mind, let's dig into this movie.
|I'll bring the shovel because there's going be a lot of shit.|
|Sweat shop or underage harem for an aging pedophile? You decide.|
|It has lips, for some reason. I guess maybe Santa just has needs. Terrible horrible needs.|
|This is what nightmares are made of. Get your Silent Hill out of this Christmas film!|
|"Santa needs me! I must go make sure two people go forth and fuck a whole lot!"|
But if that's enough of a "what the fuck" moment, it also turns out the Merlin lives with Santa too and is responsible for all of his magic. Hey...um...movie? What about the elves? Did you forget about the whole magical elves thing? Because I feel like you're kinda pulling this shit out of your ass. He supplies Santa with sleeping powder and a flower that can turn him invisible, because for some reason Santa can't be seen. I'm not sure why it's so important here, because seeing Santa in other stories never really had any negative connotations. Actually, it usually made people feel good and truly believe in Christmas. Fuck that though, right? Santa must have really bad anxiety. He also has a key maker who looks an awful lot like Oliver Reed in the Baron Munchausen film. There sure are a lot of strange old men living alone in this castle populated with children. The more I think about this, the more uncomfortable I get. But don't worry, it only gets creepier as the kids prepare his sleigh and...BLOODY HELL!
|JEBUS SAVE ME FROM THIS HORROR!|
|To be fair, he did give Santa a perfect target. Dat ass.|
|Pitch, you cheeky bastard. You know, because Santa shot him in the ass cheek.|
Then he gets attacked by a vicious dog, Pitch tricks the people in the house into thinking he's a burglar, and the emergency services are all called in while Santa cowers in a tree as useless as can be. The child harem sees this and, rather than trying to escape their confinement, go to get Merlin who then tells Santa to use a toy cat from his bag to lead the dog away. So...Santa could've bailed himself out but was too much of a dumb ass to do it? Greaaaat. He gets away and Pitch ends up being sprayed with a fire hose. He makes a final trip to deliver Lupita's dolly and then seems to explode in the sky, because that's what it looks like. but no, the final scene shows us he's going back to his castle where he will no doubt be greeted by the child harem who seem to be suffering Stockholm syndrome.
|"Now run along, kids. Santa wants to spend some...private time...with the telescope."|
Thus ends this journey into a terrible Mexican film and, while it isn't the worst film I've watched, it's definitely not good. This movie was just weird, creepy, and so crappily nonsensical. It took the story of Santa Claus and made it into a strange drug trip where he has all these kids from different countries living with him and two other guys, has a spaceship pulled by robot reindeer, and only seems to ever visit kids in Mexico, because fuck all the other kids. The only possible way I would recommend watching this very odd film is via the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode I mentioned earlier, because at least they'll offer something funny to the experience. No one talks about this movie and now I see why. As far as forgotten Christmas films go, this one needs to stay forgotten. So, until Tim Allen remakes this movie as The Santa Clause 4: The Devil in Mexico City, I'll be here shoveling this shit into a deep dark hole. Later days, bleeders.
|Oh, and don't forget a healthy dose of 1950s racism. Ho ho ho, Merry Shitmas!|