|I sometimes wonder who has been untouched longer...me or the movie.|
|Although, the cover makes me think it's about Jerry Dandridge becoming a holiday themed stripper.|
The movie opens with some strange imagery involving a ballet dancing mannequin and I find myself wondering what that has to do with a killer elf, which then leads to shots of a Santa toy, a Christmas tree, and a snowglobe before an ornament is smashed as tinsel falls dramatically. Well, I don't know if it's scary, but it does feel like a student art film so far, which is scary in its own way. But yeah, weird opening now being over, we finally get introduced to our lead. Her name is Kirsten and she's a teenager who looks around my age, because all the actresses in their 20s who resembled teenagers were busy being killed off in more popular horror films. Kirsten and her two generic 80s girl friends are in the woods practicing a Anti-Christmas ritual that would probably make Kirk Cameron's head explode, because the three of them hate Christmas. Why do they hate Christmas? Oh, you know, the commercialism...and the lack of good presents. Well, at least they know what really matters, right?
|Drawings of a naked woman from her dream, of course!|
|Who knew having a stroke and being buried in a forest could lead you on a holiday themed killing spree?|
|As a former cat owner, I somehow doubt her cat really cares that much. But it is cute.|
|Calm down, kid. He's probably just cold and wants to cuddle. Without pants.|
|I'm not saying I condone stabbing rapists and molesters in the balls...but I do.|
|She should know better than to break the "no shoes" rule. Time to die.|
How does this involve our heroine? Well, it turns out that grandpa is a former Nazi...and he's also her dad. Yes, that's right, he fucked his daughter. I wish this could explain why she's horrible, but it still really doesn't. She goes nuts, putting on a bit too much lipstick, and the elf kills her while she takes a bath. The Nazis show up and Mike fights them. Gramps gets killed, the kids run, and the lead Nazi pursues them after shooting Mike. The kids run into the elf as the Nazi catches up, getting saved by the elf when it shoots the Nazi. Who gave the elf a gun?
|Perhaps an even better question is who taught him how to use it?|
And if the elf is protecting her, why are we supposed to be scared right now? I don't know but this cues Kirsten to send her brother back to get the mysterious crystal that will supposedly kill the elf, which he does and she stabs the hole it came out of, resulting it it bursting into flames for some reason. The two siblings awake the next day in the now burned out forest and the credits roll as we see some kind elf fetus? Did she get pregnant? When did the elf rape her? All we really saw was it awkwardly touching the outside of her thigh before it actually walked her over to the hole, like it was worried she might get hurt on her way to kill the thing. I honestly kinda feel bad for the elf now, as it only killed terrible examples of humanity throughout this entire film. Why is it villain again? Because the Nazis want elf babies? I don't really think that babies are born being Nazis, so it seems kinda silly. But really, this is a movie a killer elf and Nazis who worship it, so silly should be expected.
|Maybe the elf baby will be the next space baby.|
|May our lord, Dan Haggerty, bless you. Amen.|